The Girl- all Messed up!!!'s Diary

The Girl- all Messed up!!!'s Diary

Open diary

I am random, so my diary will be.

23 years old, Female, Pakistan

Diary Entries (25)

Jul 31th, 2017 11:55 PM

31st July, 2017

Every time I cry, why do I feel I need a psychiatrist?
LOL.. my mind quickly answers me: Bcz you don't have anyone to share this shit with :D

Yeah!! Sometimes it makes me feel poor, and sometimes it makes me feel proud of my strength of holding things in myself. Haha, I don't feel just same all the time...

I feel an amalgam of feelings. Such a complexity makes it difficult to identify whether I cry on being alone, being deceived, being treated badly or being unloved? I seriously don't give a shit about how things are or how life is! But, why sometimes eyes get wet? Why sometimes I feel the need of shouting and screaming?

May be I have all the answers to my questions. I just want to keep things simple. All is about giving love. I don't even care now what I receive in return.

Anyways, I am looking forward to introducing a platform where all the people will be welcomed to heal their broken souls. It's no shame to be broken.

I believe: You only start to heal when you accept that you are broken.

Jul 31th, 2017 11:54 PM

31st July, 2017

Every time I cry, why do I feel I need a psychiatrist?
LOL.. my mind quickly answers me: Bcz you don't have anyone to share this shit with :D

Yeah!! Sometimes it makes me feel poor, and sometimes it makes me feel proud of my strength of holding things in myself. Haha, I don't feel just same all the time...

I feel an amalgam of feelings. Such a complexity makes it difficult to identify whether I cry on being alone, being deceived, being treated badly or being unloved? I seriously don't give a shit about how things are or how life is! But, why sometimes eyes get wet? Why sometimes I feel the need of shouting and screaming?

May be I have all the answers to my questions. I just want to keep things simple. All is about giving love. I don't even care now what I receive in return.

Anyways, I am looking forward to introducing a platform where all the people will be welcomed to heal their broken souls. It's no shame to be broken.

I believe: b You only start to heal when you accept that you are broken. /b

Jun 29th, 2017 00:23 AM

28th June, 2017

There are things I want to write about, a lot more things. I sometimes wish to capture each moment in my words. There is so much to write about, but time is all that I have none. But, I will make sure to write the latest happenings before they go stale.

Jun 24th, 2017 9:50 PM

24th June, 2017

DAD, Papa, Baba, Abbu, Abba... and many other nicks I may have given to my father if I had one. I feel cursed and deprived of father's love. The feeling of having a father is unknown to me.

Sometimes, I imagine if only I had DAD in my life, how different everything would have been... I could know what family means.

I might be a totally different person if I had been adored just a little. I would not have ended up at the wrong place Finding love.

Only if the beginning was right... I would not have ended up here writing this.

Jun 21th, 2017 04:13 AM

21st June, 2017

I can see my last note was from Aug, 2016. Almost a year has passed away, and you kept torturing me for the things you did with your own will. Do you regret loving me ? Or Do you regret deceiving me ? Because in the first case, if u had not deceived me, I would not have turned into an insecure person. You planted the seed of insecurity and then you expected of me to heal with a blink of an eye. I am sorry I made you suffer for that, but I never left your side.

You have no idea, in my innocent love and heart full of pain, I tried hard to chose the words that are not hurting. Being myself hurt, I cared enough not to hurt you.

Today you told me that you dont care what I feel. How can I tell you that I didnot experience love before you. I was a deprived child and then I found you. I am just unable to digest that you can leave me on midway.

I have nothing much to put in words, but everything to feel. I only hope one day you may understand the value of someone who loves you even when you insult her existence.

Aug 16th, 2016 10:32 PM

16th Aug, 2016
Tuesday

I can bear everything except the rudeness and the ignorance of those whom I loved an cared for. I was told that my messages were a noise now in his work. I first laugh at this message but then I felt that this has touched me deep inside that my eyes were all wet at once. I rushed to washroom an cried to my heart. I don't know whether it is the work or he is really ignoring me to let me go away. I don't know whether you will realize or not but I am being hurt every day.

Apr 3rd, 2016 02:15 AM

3rd April, 2016
Sunday

I have never known how to tackle with a state when you go all blank. I just feel like I need some rest and even after resting several hours I feel heavy. I then try to cheer myself up by being around with room mates or hostel mates. Though this gives me some time to laugh but again when I am about to work, I feel totally blank and this irritates me a lot because I am unable to explain or even figure out what is wrong with me. Yes, there is definitely something wrong when I am going through such an undefined situation. I can not open up myself to someone else so easily and I don't even like it, and this adds up to my loneliness. Yes, it is not the solitude that surrounds me. It is the weird symptoms of loneliness. I will not deny that I feel alone, but I feel satisfied when I neglect that feeling. I want to stay hopeful and feeling alone brings depression. I even hate being dependent. Besides all these things, I don't know why there is a feeling inside me that makes me think that I need to learn to open up myself. Yes, I was much better when I used to write frequently because the things used to pour out of me in this way. I simply can not stay with the burden of a lot of thoughts, worries and stories inside me, neither I like to expose myself as a dependent and weak personality, so I figure out it is better to write them down where no one can access them. Whatever the case is, I think I need to learn a lot to rebuild myself. I have been broken once, and I got up at that time. This time it is taking too long, that I am worried what form I may take... I still want to hope for good.

Feb 19th, 2016 01:35 AM

19th Feb, 2016
Friday

Sometimes I find myself as clear as a glass, and the other times I find myself as the most complicated question which has never been answered completely. I am finding answers to myself. It has been so long doing the same thing, that it seems now as if I am seeking a track in a desert. I seem calm at outser side, but my inner-side is always wandering-making futile attempts to meet the original me. May be because I have gvn up writing... but again, there are others who dont write and they still have their satisfaction with them! But in my case, writing soothes me. It gives relief to my mind, making me believe that it still works. :)

Aug 15th, 2015 02:14 AM

15th Aug, 2015

I wonder how everything changes with time. And change is what has always been my problem. I hate changes! But then it is what time brings without any delay. Whatever it is, I am not gonna resist any change for I actually feel mentally sick and I just need to focus ob myself right now. I am not being selfish, but I cannt take this pain in my head all the time! I want to be what I had been, pure and simple in my mind and in my heart.

Dec 07th, 2014 9:20 PM

4th December, 2014 - 7th December, 2014

Our First Tryst

3 I had never thought that we could meet this early :) but we did, and All because of him ^_^ I have never felt so comfortable and wonderful before! you are my comfort , and you are the one to whom I belong. . .

but I hated saying goodbye to you ... I wish we could have some more time together; yet whatever you did for me, that means so much to me 3

Love you for giving me the loveliest of the memories.

and the strange part is : I am feeling empty abi, may b I get normal within a day or two but after spending days and nights wd you has given me so much to recall about you, about us ^_^ I am totally lost inside your love and I am loving it.

Sep 09th, 2014 5:03 PM

9th September
Tuesday
(Early Night)

Feeling of your being extremely possessive about me made me love you more and it will continue to do so 3

Sep 09th, 2014 5:00 PM

7th September
Sunday
(whole day almost till 2:19 am)

First time we had been together for the longest time in a situation that made us felt completely occupied by each other!! 3 3 Loved it all 3 Love every thing with you!!

Sep 09th, 2014 4:57 PM

5th September
Friday
(Early Night)

First Time you gave vent to your anger at me! I felt devastated until you called again. 3

Aug 29th, 2014 3:46 PM

29th Aug, 2014
Friday

27th Aug,2014 (evening) _Worst mistake of my life and worst decision of my life till now!! I know that whatever has happened cannot be changed, but I want to forget that forever! for it makes me feel guilty for the thing which I did unintentionally! I hurt him badly and I am hating myself. I am blank of how to compensate for that! Yes, I am a stupid, foolish and weird and I am that sort of a person who when goes blank does anything!! Therefore I stay away and avoid talking!! I just don't know that how to explain my real self to him!! Sometimes I think that I think too much and that is what makes me mad! But when I don't think I feel like a dumb! I am an extremist! I love and love hard! I avoid and avoid so much that I feel arrogance! I hate and hate to that level that it presents me as a cold stone!!
I may not be able to explain myself completely because it was the mixture of feelings of disgust, anxiety,insincerity and state of being lost. I felt that as if I was snatching away his right (which he has on me) from him. I felt insincere even when I had nothing in my heart that could ever decrease my love for him! My thoughts were directed towards him all the time and I could feel that no one else can give me the happiness he gives me. I had to accept that nobody else can have my heart except you ! Yes, I am talking to you Catta if you are reading this, no one else can fill the emptiness of my life except you! no one else can make me complete except you! Merely saying these things was easy, but feeling these realities is what made me felt guilty for what I was doing _giving time to a stranger for nothing, but the self-test.

At present, all I know is that I love him the most! and no other person can ever take his place, not today , not tomorrow and not even after if I part away from him ever!

I may fail to express my real deepest feelings but I know that it is not only my feelings which are for you, it is whole of me that belongs to you !!

No other company can win my attention and my own my mind and heart, except you !!

I feel guilty and i will keep feeling unless I prove my love for you!


I hate the reasons which make you feel like as if I don't care for you or that I am changing! All my care and love is for you! I love being possessed by you!












Aug 27th, 2014 5:21 PM

27th Aug, 2014
Wednesday

Time seems to be flying that I have started forgetting the important days which ought to be remembered.
But I want to remember each and everything which gives me internal happiness! yes, it was 24th Aug,2014 (Sunday) when we had a long time together after so long!Almost six hours we spent on Skype and Mobile :p
Loved that time! even though I was tired yet wanted to be with you! There was not a single moment when I felt bored or fedup of you; I always admired your company, no matter whatever we talk about!
That phone call proved that distances and gaps cannot change our feelings for each other! Rather they grow deeper with time!!
Whatever may happen, it will always be you whose company I love the most!!

Jun 08th, 2014 10:09 AM

from 7th to 8th June, 2014

-_- -_- -_-
I Am REAL BAD -_-
Made you cry -_- I did not leave because you were in bad mood. I only left at that time because I myself had been in worse mood and did not want to have another useless fight with you. I feel really bad and guilty for making you cry -_-

writing it down so that I may not do this again, neither I want to be that cruel, for I love you more than something called "love"

Apr 30th, 2014 03:37 AM

29th April, 2104
Wednesday (night)

I think, the things are changing or I am changing... all I can sense is "change".
Experiencing No feelings or a good control over them :)

Aug 07th, 2013 4:07 PM

7th August, 2013
Wednesday

the most amazing feelings 3 (first time)

Aug 07th, 2013 4:07 PM

6th August, 2013
Tuesday

Surprised!!! I love his surprises!! knows three quarters of mine...

Aug 07th, 2013 4:07 PM

3rd August, 2013
Saturday

Sometimes it's not he expectations that hurt, but the words!
The words that are enough to tell you that you are not even allowed to dream of something!!! I cannot help my tears all the time. One day or the other they have to make their way to the cheeks ... My brain is enough to buck up my heart!

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