Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
21 years old, Female, NGP/mumbai
There are so many pressing issues that I feel that the government or the masses should take notice of , so much that it makes me physically uncomfortable when crucial things go unnoticed, or noticed and unattended. But I can barely do a thing.
For example. a 2 year old chennai boy fell into a open manhole, stayed there for 3 days and died. This is a pressing issue. Manholes should never be open in a middle of a street but noone takes notice of this, there should be stringent laws and well organised systems.
But Govt and the middlemen are the peas of the same pot.
Life is unfair, better get used to it.
Fear is more often than not , not the problem.
The Problem is your relationship with fear.
These days I am really happy with myself that I am able to distinguish my thoughts from the opinions other thrust into the world, or on me.
There is a glass wall between me and the world. The glass where only the view of one side is visible from the other and not vice versa.
And there is a vigilant gatekeeper on the wall, who scrutinizes every opinion that people are throwing at my direction, labels it as " Not Neha's"
and then passes it in. So when my brain sees a thought with this label,
it thinks for itself and has opinions of its own. My own genesis.
This thing has calmed me so much recently, I don't get angry, I don't hold grudges, I am not passively aggressive, I have alternative viewpoint and more over it's liberating, non dramatic.
I am happy with how this is going.
I am Frustrated.
I have no place to sit and work. Office is crowded as fuck and I am dating an utterly insensitive person.
I am annoyed.
New job has a lot of expectations from me.
I can't ask silly questions.
They don't care where I get the data from or how do I do it.
They just want it done.
And that's what i am to deliver.
Okay this profile is hacked by a friend -.-
:: DAY OF REJECTIONS::
The title itself sums it up about how my day went.
So, I woke up very early in the morning, all ready for the new day and stuff!
So, my morning starts, i see empty bathroom!!✨💖
And i become so so excited, since getting an empty bathroom as soon as you woke up, in HOSTEL is itself says that your day is made!
so i rush to my room, and bring my bucket and bath accessories and start filling my bucket with hot water! That is when 2 girls: Shrawasthi and sayali comes up and says that they are lined up for that bathroom and that i cannot go. I got to know prior that pooja was supposed to go there, so i asked her,if i may go before her and she said okay. but these girls didnt allow me to go at all. after some negotiation, i managed to convince them, however, in the other bathroom where himani was about to go, i asked about the ones lined up after her and she said shrawasthi. 😡🙊
i got a little angry as they wasted my time this early in the morning and that too for no reason!!!!
So, i went to library, all prepared to study ICA: integrated circuits and applications; one of the most complex subjects of my branch, i took this book sergio franco, opened my class notes, opened the book and what i see: the topics were not there at all!!
i searched entire book, thinking it would be somewhere in bits and parts! but no luck!!
then i went to issue another book: sedra smith, luckily i found it soon, but the issuing counter wasn't being attended by anyone hence issuing was stopped.
the librarian rejected to give me the book. with a sad face and heavy heart, i went back to the reading room.
there i spotted nikita and vaishnavi, my classmates.
and vaishanvi had another book for ICA :ramakant gayakwad, although it didnt have all topics it had some! i felt soooo happy :)
i asked her to lend me the book so that i cant photocopy it. she gave me.
i went to the xerox centre behind my college.
there are three photocopy shops behind my college.
I went to the first: "abhi nahi, badme"
i went to second:"aaj nahi, kal"
i went to third: "shaam ko deta hoon."
i requested the third shopkeeper, and convinced himt o give it to me till lunch so that i could return her the book.
**meanwhile, vaishnavi goes to the library, and issues Sedra Smith**
**i meet her, she lends me this book as well**
**i attend lectures till lunch and bunk the rest**
**after lunch, i go to the shop 3**
i take the prints and ask him to give me xerox of Sedra smith.
second:"aaj nahi, kal"
first:"aaj nahi kal"
xerox centre inside college:"aaj nahi kal"
i go to king's circle, little away from college,
circle shop 1:"shaam ko deta hu"
circle shop 2:"2 ghanta lagega"
circle shop 3:"time lagega madam"
since circle sho three didnt specify the time, i said, koi baat nahi bhaiyya, i will wait here only, take your time.
so i waited for 30 mins outside the shop. hungry, thirsty and tired from walking with ramkant and sedra.
**took the prints**
i had an appointment with a doctor so i needed money.
atm1:maharashtra: no cash.
atm2:icici: no cash.
**takes the taxi to the clinic, hoping to find atm there, nearby**
atm4:axix:unable to dispense cash.
atm5:kotak:unable to dispense cash.
atm6:sbi:atm closed entirely.
**takes the taxi back to hostel**
as i get off the taxi, few loafers started to say useless things about me, whistling and passing needless comments. i stopped to stare at them and asked,"problem kya hai aapko?" "problem toh kuch nahi hai ji" *starts laughing* i say,"accha hai, dhang se behave karo warna problem ho jayegi!"
i walk inside, and there are boys playing cricket. i am terrified of spherical objects with high momentum. so i walk fast , trying to pass it asap. so i took a hypotenuse cutting the corner of the ground making my way faster..and then, a fast ball passes just beside me.
well, i should call it lucky#1, rather, escaped no_luck#1
so that was my day till now!
so, here i am again, all freshened up, washed my self and and a bucket full of clothes, with a little strength in my arms, i am here to complete my diary :')
from a few days, each morning i read a quote and try to live up to it all day long.
so today's quote comes from instagram :
" The distance between who i am and who i want to be is seperated only by my actions and words"
well, this is something i entirely believe.and it is true for myself, because from a week i wanted to be a girl who writes her diary, but my actions didnt live up to it.
this is just one example thou:P
Yesterday we had our PCS lab, i.e. Presentation and communication Skills.
It is taught to us by an elderly ma'am. Her name is Mrs. Usha Nair.
So, she gave us a 5 min assignment as she walked in. where in she asked us 4 questions about ourselves and asked us to discuss them with our benchmates
so there was this question, two greatest strengths and weaknesses. so Vaibhavi and i decided to answer that for each other , so i told her about her strength :
Electronics and the passion she possesses for it. and she told me, that i am able to make my point very clearly. And this was a revelation for me, because all my life the greatest communication barrier to me was having lack of vocabulary to correctly express what i feel and occasional but dangerous shyness of mine had many flowers of thoughts in my mind to die before they bloom!
The suprise further increased when Tanvi, who was sitting a little farther from us, also said the same thing about me, and added that i am able to convince the opposite party with what i have to present, in times of debate esp.
I felt very suprised as i never knew that how others saw me.
This made me realise, that everyone has their own backstage crisis, but when they come onstage and are ready for a show, others only see that. And hence it is very important to have a strong and a happy show. But simultaneously it is also very important to not compare our backstage crisis with the onstage show of others, because we may never know what all they are facing themselves. We must Focus on our Wellbeing without a flick of illness, of wish of others' failure over us.
This is something that Santiago, of alchemist, taught me too.
he is being robbed thrice and yet, it is not for very long that he grieves over it. He focuses on his ultimate personal legend and what he has to do today to make him go closer to his goal. What all extra could he do today?
I think, that makes all the difference!
I hope i put on a good show myseld and also improve my backstage crisis, so that i too, go closer to My Personal Legend!
Good morning diary!
From about past 1 week i have been thinking to write in you, so many things to tell you came and gone. i even thought about few things that i thought were worth mentioning!
for now, mera college 11.15 ka hai and meri roommates ka 9. so Ashwini has this habit of playing songs in the morning and i used to like it a lot! But from past couple of days, it kind of bugs me. You know i havent heard a single song ,intentionally, from past one and half months.
SO STRANGE! but i kind of like it silent:)
So, what do i write now?
Actually i came to you because i wanted to talk to someone who'd listen, i know this is virtual, but somehow if you were to turn into a living creature, not necessarily human, and not carnivourous, i am sure, that you would be the one person whom i would literally bury my heart's content into.
so again, What do i write now??
Well, i would like to tell you about the book fair i went, a day before yesterday, it was Book-by-Weight bookfair and there well hell lot of books!
if wb allowed to add pics to diary then i would have shown it to you!
what's more interesting is that i found myself intrigued by whole another sections which i would otherwise wouldn't be.
and that is TRAVEL and GARDENING.
honestly, i have never read those genres, butwhen i saw them the immediately held my utmost attention and casted upon me the immediate longlastind yearning- i would like to be author to one of those travel logs.
It became as intense as my dream to open a studio, like i told earlier.
and now the studio would have a backyard garden :D
i bould about 20-21 books in 600 rs. and i am very excited to read all of them!!!
diary sorry, it's my turn to bath now(hostel-life), ttyl, bye
I look at all these country roads
And open fields and trailer homes
And think of all the days that i have left
I wonder how i spend each one
Think of all the things i've done
Well I havent managed yet
But i will be here as long as it will take
I will love you and never need a break
I know others who came but in the end they went
I won't relent
And i was never quite sure what will matter in the end
And i've never really known how it will start
But i know i wont settle
Wont just play apart
I will love you with every ounce of my heart rt
But i will be here as long as it will take
I will love you and never need a break
I know others who came but in the end they went
I won't relent
And i will hold you 'till the end of days
Despite all the hurtful things u might go on and say
And i will be steady even when you're at your worst
If u bleed in I will be there first
And i will be here as long as it will take
I will love you and never need a break.
these days i feel that i am very sad.
it’s strange, because i used to think once this =tension= i had from a past year would be gone, i would feel okay. But it feels like, i am waiting for something, which isn’t really going to happen.
Maybe, because i am very homesick,
Maybe, because i miss being with amit,
Maybe because all kinds of relationships that i had, friendships, ‘best’friendships, love-relationships, stranger-shipness, hi-hello acquaintances, all seems to be falling apart.
And i don’t exactly know what exactly is going wrong, what is it that, i feel so dejected? Is something missing, i wonder?
this previous Sunday, there was a messy birthday party. Emotionally-messy. That made things little offroads for me and bhagyashri, but that hardly matters to me, so its not worth mentioning here.
however, effect is what matters in the end, not the cause.
i feel like its another stage of surviving in hostel.
in order to get stronger, you have to go all through this stuff. but does being stronger means, killing off emotions?? I am losing faith.
I am losing faith. faith in everything. Its hard being a perfectionist.
However, there are still a few things that brighten up my day.
when i go to college, when i meet my friends, vaibhavi, tanvi, revati and abhishek.. i feel full of life. It’s strange, how can you feel full of life and then after sometime, a complete, dreary vacuum?? i mean, where does it all go??
Where you belong?
Well, there’s a quite a cute thing that happened today. today, Tanvi, all usual, decided that we all would be conversing in english rather than hindi/marathi.
and whenever this happens, she speaks sooo much. trying to convert, every littlest thing to english. even crying in english. today while making circuits in DLD(digital logic designing) lab, she was speakings soo soo much that literally connected the vcc power supply in other column of breadboard and was thinking why isnt the LED glowing, both vaibhavi and i checked connections twice, changed the IC, changed the LED, changed the DMM, while tanvi was blaming the ckt in english. And then suddenly when we were about to call the ma’am, we found that Vcc wasnt connected. WTH.
all the other groups were finished with 3 universal gates’ implementation by then. and we were only changing the apparatus.
tanvi will be tanvi.
although the girl is champ of electronics.
then we had, maths and evs class.
after that we went to monginis (cake shop) -bhagya and me. and bhagya bought a chicken pan pizza for me.
while returning, she asked me about amit. how was it for me? like being in a relationship?
i simply said, “beautiful” . “it was the happiest time of my life”
the time when amit had tradeoffs for my sake, and i had trade offs for him. it was my closest encounter with love; love to its purest form. this month, august, was very spl month 3 years ago, we confessed our love, with the actual word “i love you” to each other. the first time we held hands, first time, i had kissed someone, first time i had allowed any guy to be as close to myself, as was i. but change is the only permanent thing in this world. everything is anitya-changing.
good times don’t last forever and its only fair that we move on.
it’s not possible to redo or undo.
well, i just said that, but i don’t know what bhagyashri saw on my face, she was silent all the way back. thinking something, remembering something.
at last, she just said,”life becomes very complicated”
i agreed. and we went to our rooms.
I want to write about the owner of this apartment.
This is a all girl's apartment and hence it has some rules to it.
Yesterday, i was sick..
Hence my mother told me to go the pharmacy. It was about 8.45pm.
So i went down and asked the guard if its allowed to go out since after 8..no one goes out.
He asked me where i wanted to go, i told him.
He said return in 10 mins.
When i came back..the guard went to have finner while the owner was outside. She started yelling at me..without even listening what i had to say. There's this thing about me. My vocal chords don't work whenever there's a loud voice.
I simply go mute.
Then however i told her i asked guard the permission..and she just began yelling more. And since i
Just went mute..i ignored her and went to the mess.
Now tomorrow i am leaving for mumbai. And the train is at 2105hrs. So my mother asked me to go to the owner and tell someone to drop me.
Because when i rented this place...she said that if there is a late night train.. we will have someone to drop . It were her very words.
And when i asked her today she said..she cant..
Its not possible at all.
I was stunned. Infact i am afraid..a little. This place doesnt seem as safe as mumbai..
Yesterday she scolded me for just going a block away. And today she wants me to go all by myself. Its unfair.
She's a liar.
Today i feel so fresh. Very active and very happy. I don't know the reason exactly.. but i am very happy.
Past few days have been very disturbing and whenever i think about what happened with amit i feel very sad. He said that he and i are not on the same level and those words are very hurtful. I know he was angry and people speak a lot when angry.. but vihan kept a dp few days back.. that said even though tongue doesnt have any bones but its the strongest and it can hurt. (Sry i dont remember exactly)
This makes me think of how i get very angry on vihan sometimes. But he is a gentleman at those times and he acts very mature. I have learnt it from him. Im not very pro like him but i try to be.
My anger is very momentary. It doesnt even last for more than 2 mins. After those 2 mins when i am back in my senses i realise what a goon i have been and i try to stop. But obviously the other one doesn't forget in 2mins. Hence i observe what they say after that. And i don't have a nerve to apologise. (Having said too much)
Ah what i came for writing and what am i actually writing. -_-'
Well i started reading detective conan few days back. Its very interesting.
But kiddo told me to not read rather than i shud read fairy tale and when i was going to read it he told me to watch anime instead .
However i want to tell about a manga i read yesterday night before sleeping.
=prison school =
Vihan wanted to watch the anime before. (Obvio because of ecchi)
I read ecchi at times but its not my usual preference.
I like to read mystery/thriller/drama
And mostly without ecchi.
(If at all desperate , I'd prefer hentai)
However i read the plot yesterday and it was about a girls' school being transformed into a coed..as the new principle was appointed due to which there were only 5 guys in the entire school. The ratio of g:b being 200:1.
All the five boys were very afraid..girls being dominant. And at the same time they were very excited as every now and then there would be a trigger to their testosterone levels.
One of the boys in the 1st class manages to talk to a girl named chiyo/chiho. As it happened that both of them had the same eraser which had sumo wrestler printed on the cover. Chiyo invites him to the wrestling match that has been held the coming month..and he (excitedly) agrees..even though he isnt interested. However later that night.. the boys decide to peek while the girls are bathing and somehow they are caught.
The girls had an underground student council which was there to keep discipline at all times.
Next day they decide to imprison the 5.
And after that they are so so goddamn cruel. The girls are too much. WAY TOO MUCH.
In midst of that chiyo and kiyoshi have a sumo date. And kiyoshi plans to break out. However his another prison mate finds about him and says he will keep quiet if he does him a favour from outside.
The escape plan is nice. But what happens after that.. i mean the domination of girls is sooo much that i literally started hating them.
I read 37 chaps. And im not reading any further. Most probably.
The girls are way tooo much.
What boys did was unforgiveable. But i still felt it was horrible.
That doesnt mean the guys are very innocent. They are disgusting too.
When chiyo confronts kiyoshi all hr can think about is her ~touch.
Not about how only she stood up for him..when even all the boys isolated him. Duh.
I literally threw my phone in anguish.
M i even being reasonable.?
And finally everything is over.
Amit and I. Me and amit.
Whatever it was.. its over.
I cannot believe it.
I just cannot.
He called me now. He told me about my fb comment.. where i replied my friend siddhesh.. and i wrote the word "wtf" . Actually i had shared an amzing fact about a woman who survived titanic's sinking and also titanic's sister's sinking.. to which siddhesh.. (my classmate in vjti) commented "what the fact" and i abbreviated it as a sense of humour saying "yeah, wtf"
Somehow amit found that post of mine..and read that comment and he said "your English is very good.. i want to learn it. Teach me." And then he said "what does wtf mean?" I said its nothing. Don't use it. But he insisted and insisted to know what it means. I knew that he knew..yet i told him. He told me that i cant use that word again. I said its just a casual word. Its not like i am abusing anyone. Yet he kept saying i can't use it. But what was such a big deal i couldn't understand. I have grown using that word and its so common to me..and its a casual word and the context i used it in was a situational comedy. Nothing else.
I wanted to tell him that its just a simple word and read the context in which it has been used.
But somehow he couldn't understand what i was saying and i couldn't understand what he was.
It became such a mess afterwards.
We fought and fought.
I don't know if i am wrong.
Maybe i am.
But i dont want to restricted on what to say and what not to..just in fear that what if amit finds it.
You know the problem with me is that i love him very much. No matter how much I deny.. or how much i try not to. I love him very much.
After a long time we came back together and just after a week..this all is happening.
Maybe i have got temper problem.
He is the one person i actually saw my future with. How we met. How we fell for eachother. How we spent time. They are so fixed in my mind that they cannot be erased.
Have i just been so immature ?
Did we separate for a stupid issue ?
Should i apologise or should i let go?
Long distance sucks.
It makes us hate one another.
And i didn't want to hate him. Or quarrel. Or even talk anything that's below the avg standards of happiness.
It sucks that we grew so apart.
Being in love is a self inflicted pain.
But i think its better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all.
Who am i fooling.
I am so out of my senses that i wonder if i would die due to less oxygen supply. It feels as if there is this huge hole punched through my chest that is making me breathe uneasily.
A huge lump in my chest that i cant swallow.
Its funny..how at 8.00pm , i talked to my mother and she asked how was everything going on between him and me.. and i said.. finally things are falling back into place
And at 10.00 , amit and i separate forever.
Its so sadly hilarious.
Sadly, painfully, bruttaly, agonisingly, bitterly, miserably, disturbingly, awfully, unhappily, pitifully, heartbreakingly HILARIOUS.
I just finished watching the movie Il mare. Its a story about two people who are 2 years apart from each other. They both lived in the same house, but in different time. However they find that They can communicate with each..somehow. .through a letter box of their house.
Its a beautiful movie.
However this thought is running in my mind now..
What if all the things that have alternatives, doesn't actually are alternatives. .?
Means what if there are many parallel universes running right now.
With only thing seperating them is the time difference?
Like when we look back and say ," it would have been better if i would have chosen a different path that was present then?"
But we cannot go back..and change it.
Because that's not possible.
But maybe in a parallel universe.. the "you" present there would have chosen "that" path and not the one you have...and maybe is going to live a different future.
Means you dint really have the alternative. You chose both the things just you don't know you did.
Alternative is choosing one. Since you didn't, it wasn't a alternative.
When we have loved someone at somepoint in our life..when we thought that it's the truest form of love we've experienced...but somehow due to something we are driven apart from him/her and we get married to someone entirely new.. and we say that we just werent meant to be.. but maybe in parallel universe you two are actually together. That means you weren't meant to be..in this universe. But were in another. Whilst the one we have been married to must have had made some decisions in his life that made him end up with you..and somewhere parallel he too have had made some different choice.. and maybe in that universe he came to ur life.. if it was written but as an entirely different person..with an entirely different meaning.
That means ALLthings are meant to be. We have learnt that food web is accumulation of many food chains.. maybe our universe /time period is like food chains..and accumulation of all these time periods/ universes combine to form a large universe web..based on probability , permutations, combinations of our every small decisions and acts.
It proves the classic question correct. .which is if a person X travels back in time and kills his grandfather..then how was he born in the first place? And if he wasn't born then who killed the grandfather?
If parallel universes exists then its possible ..dont you think?
X kills his grandfather after travelling back in time... then comes back to his present where he is living and continues normally.. but acc to my hypothesis. .if the parallel universes are seperated by time gaps..then it means that X travels back.. but not in his universe.. but a parallel universe and kills the grandfather. In that universe..X is not born. But in this universe.. both grandfather and X and present.
That means that when we are playing with time.. we are altering entirely different universe.
This sounds so cool.
And somehow I believe its true. Just I am not able to figure out any evidences for it.
What do you think diary?
Good evening diary
I think i am kind of a person who cuts people off from their life very often. I am like chandler.. who first strives to be with someone (anyone) and when he is, it scares the shit out of him and he runs away.
I am exactly the same.
Thanks to my luck, i do find people with whom i get along very well. But then there's parasitism.
I give them too much space. Rather don't resist when they try to get deeper in my life. And when they do..
It exhausts me.
I get tired and annoyed. And yet dependant. I sometimes tell them that they are getting involved too much and after sometime i feel the vacuum..of having them left.
If they come again, the parasitism just intensifies. It exhausts me all the way more. It drains out the energy from me when i have to keep up with them. I feel my space is lost. I have no idea how to turn it off. I have no time for my own thoughts. And no time for my own desires. And with a high frustration i cut them off.
I know its not very ideal nature of me. But its brutally true.
The ones that do enter in my life leave a part of them behind with me..thats pretty cherished by me. But there's no one with whom i am just on the same page. There are similarities but not sharing of the same page. I wonder if there's anyone out there at all. But i think when he/she comes along, there won't be parasitism or disappointment but relationship which is unconditional.
It won't matter if its not a guy. I just am in need of a good person . Someone who brinhs out just the good in me.(Even though i am still attracted to guys only. )
The words "we used to be good friends " aren't very new for me..because i have heard them a lot in past few years. And those people are really a gem. And they have left a cherishable part with me. But i myself have cut them off. And its my fault. But believe me it's better this way. Going back all the way, is exhausting for me too. And probably they wouldn't want me back. its a irreversible process. And i literally have given up on everything. I just don't want to bear anything else. I simply want to move on. And would never have to look back.
However i want to take out time to thank some very special people who were with me for some memorable time.. sannidhi, sithi, sunny, kaustubh, saahil, anuj, devyani, amit, vihan, ninad, sanket.
Sorry for cutting off.
I wasn't punishing you but myself.
Its been nice knowing you..and spending quite a time with you. I know its impossible to get back, but i will always be welcoming.
Thanyou for being a part.
Also somethings i have cut off recently ( writing, sketching, fb, tumblr, composing songs, playing guitar.. and I don't remember )
Came in to throw a quick entry.
I learned french braiding my hair yesterday. I dont know how i hot the idea.. i was studying chem. Then i took a break. And just boom. Out of nowhere i made it. It was pretty amazing.
The braid looked very pretty and i showed it to my mother and vihan and they liked it too.
It was really very cool.
I am going to braid my hair again today.
Apart from that..
The weather's been quite nice. And hey..i talked to janhavi yesterday.
After a long time. She is doing interior designing and she stood 3rd in nagpur division.
She really is enjoying what she is doing and i am so so happy for that.
She then said that she would come to mumbai for internship next year and then we would meet. That would be so cool. Meeting after a long time.
I came to know that devyani is doing b.sc but she failed in one of her subjects so her parents took away the phone.
Janhavi said that its easy to focus and peaceful for her now that she isnt in a relationship and she doesnt have to keep up with anyone .
I know that feeling.
When i broke up for the first time..it was kind of hard for me to move on.
Very difficult. But when i did.. i felt so relieved. And i could focus on myself more.
That's actually when i met kiddo.
I was pretty sorted back then.
As i grow older and older.. i am getting confused and complex. Rather than the other way around.
I wish to feel that peace again.
When you only have to be with yourself and your family.
No expectations of any person.
No one controlling your life more than you.
Its very peaceful.
When you don't divide the love you have for yourself.
Noise, of only your thoughts.
And crowding of only your ideas.
Well what can be more peaceful than that?
I did a horrible thing yesterday.
But now i hve nothing to lose.
Every rain drop is like your broad smile;
I wish that it drizzles every day and night;
So that there’s no space for tears in your life.
Happy Monsoons kaustubh :)
And to all my close ones.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.