Awesome's Diary

Awesome's Diary

Open diary

Some cerebral cool stuff that will..if enters into your consciousness..change your perceptions about reality...ha..nope...some bullshit that I find interesting.

21 years old, Male, India

Diary Entries (83)

Jun 1st, 2021 09:37 AM

Yo Champa Bro!

For some reason(procrastination) thought of writerbabu, I used to write here, so read some purana entries. Kitni pyaariii hai! Seems like a different person, hopeful jyada, I think confident bhi jyada in his world views, in his convictions to right and wrong. Some ice bergs of certainty are melted, some are to melt with due global warming, end meh bas samandar rehjana, dur dur tak, phir se hopeful horaha shayad.

Feel-your-feelings, kitna easy sa lagta, but so far I have been from this island, coming to that, to stiffen up has been such a go to bachpan se, to sit with it, with everything, and let the life pass through you.

Increasingly have been conscious of death, how little time we get on earth, envious of moon and stars, how to live well, how to live to your true nature, how the previous me would have said, suck the marrow of life. The questions have been the same, these have been same for billions of humans, living and dead, what do you in this narrow window, what goes into making a human, biology, society, parents, peer group, sabko ek ek kar hatta ta rehta, phir bhi khub sara meh bach jata. Abhi ek mail bhi likhna hai, client ko, yaha diary bhi likhna, shambanva hai, jaisa diary meh likhta waisa hu nahi meh, ya kayi meh mujme, tumhe kaun se meh se matlab hai. Kayi galtiya abhi karni baki hai, km seekhna hai, bhulna bahut hai, pata nahi shayad, ability to forgive yourself, kitna jaroori, for whatever you have been, once you accept it, once you think that you should have been different, or is bug in your system, just to say its okay. A lot of people I have seen are not able to do that, we are humans yaar, matlab ek inta gir jayega sar par kabhi toh pura sense of self hi badal jana, kya nahi badalna, pata nahi need for connection, need for hugs from loved ones, tear of joy sabko ek jaisa hi lagta hoga na, kahi ka bhi ho, time, geography, age; tear of joy is tear of joy. intellectual hora. cool. bye.

Mar 1st, 2020 10:11 AM

Hi Champa,

Bahut badiya diary entry linke the, dhupe sakte hue, publish na hui, Net challa gaya, jasbaat hai, shadb kho gaye, but chill hai.

Much love hai.

Dec 29th, 2018 3:51 PM

Dear Champa,

In my neighborhood, my getto, we have a family five brothers. Most of these have there own shops, or are engaged in similar businesses. The eldest, a decade ago, had an accident. Now Auncle uses a stick to walk and mostly is at home. He has like four daughters studying in some of the best schools. A couple of months ago this quarrel broke out among bothers. The younger on one side, the eldest and his family on the other. The main acquisition that the younger brother paid for the education of his children, and the eldest instead of being thankful, is a pain in the ass.

So the reason I am writing this this diary is because of an observation I made in a fight among brothers.

They were calling the eldest one's eldest daughter a Randi again and again. Because she was participanting in the fight. To my young mind, I didn't understand, she was in her 12th, I havent seen her with a guy ever. I just didn't make sense.

I later realised maybe he was saying it because that's shameful thing you can say to a girl, to a daughter infront of her dad.

Now anytime I hear that word, Randi, I go looking for its meaning. The word in a way has lost meaning for me.

Dec 28th, 2018 10:47 PM

Dear Champa,

Amit Sir once in class said, there must have been some discussion on how to find your true voice, your intuition, if there is such a voice. He said on days when you can look and admire the beauty of the hills. The beauty of nature, the magnanimity of it all, on those days consider yourself happy, closer to your true self. It resonated with me and I would often like to test myself, my authenticity, reminding myself to be conscious of the hills.

When I came to Delhi, there was a lack of natural beauty, so I'd go on for days and not know where is the inner voice. Then I saw Yamuna one day. And I marked it as my point of reference, whenever I would come either to Indraprastha or Pragati Maidan. I'd try to remind myself to look at Yamuna, to look at its and beauty and maybe drop a little sigh.

Overtime I had forgotten about it. Untill I saw her again, brining with watery light.

Jan 29th, 2017 11:48 PM

Dear Champa,

Its been a long day. And that kind of day which I would like to write down. Because days like this maybe have an effect on what shape your life will take down the line. Went to office. We had to go with yda since he was going out with jp. Toh we started talking about the companay and how no money is coming in. How he had to do a work under a CA and how things are not taking the form. I was quite receptive to his words. He later started taking about Mugs and how how things are not working between the two. The trust quotient is low. They had a talk with each other , heart to heart wali, and now I realise how these talks just postpone the inevitable. Talking about it might well be just a short term thing. Anyways he seemed pretty upset and rughtly so. We went back with mind of having a talk. with everyone else. The atmosphere was never there for such a talk. Mugs have been getting banter from his gharwalas about what is doing with his life. He is confused. I am also reading The Unbearable Lightness of Being which talks on YOLO. We live once, and since we live once we don't know if there was a better way to life, what this decision will lead us, we seem utterly confused because its happening to us for this first time. Since we have nothing to compare to we are lost people. And Bhattji is lost. I have also periods of doubt. But then I have come realize how fickle are our emotions and how much key they are in defining experience. If only I could just take a back seat from feeling terrible for an hour or so. After that I feel fine. I just don't give a shit about those mofos. Than I had a talk with him. He seems pretty sure that he is not sure where is he going but he wants to do something else. Fail at other opportunities in life. Not the same, mundane ones. I hope its a phase. He is jolly good follow and since he is not being these days. The other day I had fight with girls about how things are great btw the partners and how now , only three days latter, things might have taken a turn for the unfortunate or maybe not. Maybe I am just overthinking about this. Well I made his resume. Pua had given me a call asking for someone who was 'tech savy' and 'street smart'. I could only think of Muggs. Its a good job. High profile resort in Corbett area. A few hours before, I was thinking this is it, solution. Now I am thinking maybe he should stay. I'd like him to stay. I'd like that very much. But its his call. The future of Mandli hangs in the balance. What do I want? I want

Jan 24th, 2017 8:18 PM

Dear Champa,

Although I have been in the habit of diary writing. Every other day I use my notepad but I don't do it here much. How is writerbabu. I don't know. Although I owe much to the guy who had this idea. I met my girl friend through this platform and we have been together for like 4 years now. Feels weird. So if there was no writerbabu I dont how things would turn out for me. I'd be definitely a very different person for I am now. How weird is that? Like I was reading today Independent yet dependent . The duality of life and it's understanding. One thing that has been absolutely great about this year so far has been I have been reading a lot. Rather I have been listening a lot. I listen to audiobooks. Let me count I have listened-

The tao of pooh
Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
What proust can teach you about life
Deep Work
The letters from Seneca
The Begginer's Mind
Meditation by Marcus Aurelius
Waking Up by Sam Harris

Add to that some podcasts. No wonder I have been not able to do much apart from this. Like from the list you can see above there is a lot conflict in the list above. Some of them proclaim to reach human potential, deep work, achieve great things in life. There is only one life. There so much to be done. Your work defines you. You have to peruse excellence. On the other hand the theme of other books is quite the opposite. How to cope up with self doubt, how to accept things as they are, how to find beautiful in the ordinary. I don't know which way to turn. Often I am reading someone who is saying quite the opposite of the guy the previous guy was saying.

Having a startup of my own, nothing much is being achieved there, I must say, Both at the personal level or economic level. Things are on a standstill. And I have myself to blame for that maybe. The lack of resources. Own expectations from life. Its just too much sometime. Although as I look into the future, I think since there is so much to do here, I might miss out on becoming who I can become in the materialistic world. But again there is a side of me that really doesn't want that. You get what am I trying to say, me neither. Maybe work life balance is something mythical. Maybe through this too I am developing a muscle. I don't want to feel like Sisyphus, rolling up the same stone. There has to be meaning in this too. There has to be a light. Maybe its a phase every young person so through. You know when they ask these big people, "What will you tell your 20 year old self?" The answer almost always is "Chill the fuck down". You will be fine. Maybe I will be fine. There is this fear of living a life of regret. And there is a fear of corporate job. My friends who work in Delhi they hate there job too, many of them have come back, are now preparing for competitive exams.

No one is really happy in this phase of our lives. We have no clue what we want from lives. Neither we understand what we deserve. To find meaning in this world, to live in the present moment, to be accepting of the small joys in life. Maybe these are too much to ask. There is suffering and what makes it worse you know this is psychological suffering. Maybe all suffering is psychological suffering. The combination of paralysis and ambitious is a recipe for sad life. These things individually are sad things. But the combination is hell.

Maybe writerbabu would still be there 20 years from now. And I would be reading this laughing asking myself to chill the fuck down. Whatever happens I know I will be all right. Full potential or zero potential. Someone is fighting outside with a client regarding a bike which has broken down. I don't know if people can sleep after fighting so much. so much voilence.

Dec 05th, 2016 5:06 PM

Dear Champa,

Last time we had word it was a completely new year. I havent written in a year. That's freakin sad. It really it. So much have happened in the past year. I had the panic back home. This time it was upgraded and a whole new version of shit. Let just say last christmas I was the closest to sucide and depression. I know these words have been romantized a lot. But jab hota, jab actually meh hota, I have notes from those days. They are like 'Just be alive for today'. You feel hopeless. You loose confidence.You go on thinking if you will ever have a 'normal' life. Away from the outside world, you are in a trap of your own. And how on those moments people close to you become very important. They are. They pulled me out of it.

Dec 09th, 2015 00:42 AM

Dear Champa,

Wasssss Upppp... bro.. aur bata? *awkward convo.. yaar a lot has been happening lately.. mostly awesome.. thoda sa comfort zone k bahar btakna.. yeah the annual fest is over.. quite thrilled.. being a part of somwthing.. community and society are two different words.. proud of the classmates, juniors and mentors ..Last fest, and they put their all.. Sumit sir be awesoming around.. parso meditation karaya unhone I was kinda gone for few minutes.. Ganda hi hogaya... "Surrender your ego" he says.. it happens in seconds he says.. the person I want to be like when I am 50.. .. and what back lagg gayi yaar.. RTI lagane ko mill raha.. ajj mum ko btaya she was taken aback.. samjana padta ab unhe.. Manu ki life thoddi better which is good news.. Rupa is as Rupa does.. Happening People.. Exam de rahi ajj kal.. Library ussme, aur woh library meh time spent kar rahi... Mast chal uska bhi.. Friends k liye kehti.. sometimes I think and reseach also shows more the merrier but I in personnel experience think that km hi achhe.. sometimes I don't want options... but dekho.. khair neend arahi so should wrap up.. morning walk bhi jana sube.. Ahu ahu ahu.. kal se padayi..

Oct 2nd, 2015 00:35 AM

Dear Chumps,

Its beeen so long, I almost feel like a Negro. Okay!. Bad-dirty-racist-joke.. Sorry.. India is shining.. Digital India... All hail Modi... That should cover it up.. I was just reading my diary.. Mann I am sooooo smart.. I am even better Adi like the words fall like caramel to your eyes.. the texture.. the depth.. the humor.. It all works so well.. Am I the only one here who has fantasied that this diary would be like the "Diary on Anne Frank" if I happen to die early.. Like it will get published, people will cherish it for centuries to come..No?.. okay.. I really want to write serious hit yaar, hota hi nahi hai apne se.." Hum toh achhe sher k ashique, jaha mille jisse mille"..

The intership is over and as I had tweeted abt it "The best thing abt the internship was that somedays when there were less people in the office in mornings, you could have two sandwiches".. Yaar yeh 9-6 desk jobs na hone wale apne se.. Sala dekstop pe Nietzsche ka quote "Like Dangerously. Build your cities in the slope of Veruvious" lagga k spreadsheet pe kam nahi ho pata... Sala ted videos dekh dekh k jo aag lagi hai na us building k ground floor pe Fire Brigade ka office hain.. Hadd Chutiyapa hai sala.. Bhains ki pucch ek dost ki job nahi laggi.. Topper hai Bechara.. Sala auro ki choro mereko bura lagta uske liye.. Nahi lagi toh nahi lagi.. Zindagi khatam nahi hui uski.. Parents sala stability chahte, hum kutte clearity chahte..

Finance, Tourism, Bank, Marketing k bech meh life latki hui. Kisko pata jaenge kaha. Already tasted a life at corporate. I was desperate not to go back. But now I am thinking that lets do it a few more months. Dreams can wait...

Jun 04th, 2015 06:09 AM

Dear Chumps,

Didn't soya kal.. Read my last entriya.. Maaaan so much drama I am.. Philosophical.. Who I am? .. Its crazy how sometimes you can feel so deeply about one thing.. and how the next moment it doesn't even seem real... what is real anyways.. There is this girl Pursuit of being me wali.. I sometimes read her diary.. Interesting girl.. Jab padta lagta yaar apni suffering toh bahut hi km hai.. like suffering jealousy hojati.. writes from her heart.. never sensors anything.. I have grown this hunger for intimacy for some reason... anyways maybe our diaries bring out the negativity in us... Maybe her life is better when she is out there living it.. and we tend to show our diaries the broken side which we often can't show the world.. the world has no place for such things.. I wonder why that is.. I wonder convo. se don't go

"Kya chal raha hai phir"
"Itna toota hu choone se bikar jaunga"

I wonder was that like that from the beginning like this... Yeah I have my share of anxieties too but I have made friends with them.. like they come stay and leave.. and I move on.. Is there a better way?.. there you go making dairy writing does get you in that momentum.. life is pretty awesome sachhi.. like the best and most beautiful time of my life... everything is just perfect.. We humans don't like perfect waise.. Kahi karti hongi problems mera intzaar hota.. dekho tab kaisa hota.. I love the present... birthday present... its close..

Ciao ,
:* ..

May 31th, 2015 00:11 AM

Dear Chumps,

Whatup? Exams meh Marta hi re entriya.. you know.. Unlike many lot of time.. :p Innovation fucking up with my mind.. Don't know where to turn for answers... Too many questions.. Too many quest to conquer.. Life is at chauraha .. Different possibilites.. Don't know where I am heading.. Don't know who I am.. Don't know what scares.. Don't know should give this much thought.. In this see of possibilities which wave will take me.. Should I swim across the current? .. Sometimes I have so many people, good people, kind people.. Sometimes I am by myself.. I have realized that peace is only found after death.. This life is for problems and to embrace them.. To grow with them.. Relations as comforting they are often leave you more restless.. There no perfect people.. And those who are fuckedups are not because they choose to be... We are all fuckedups.. People who are cruel to themselves are rude to you... Bahut gyaan hogaya.. There's plenty more.. I need to find some answers.. I just need to.. That's what life is abt these days.. You take care re .. Ruhh hai tu apni.. ;)

P.S. I want to read these someday and say "shit.. Still searching"

Apr 3rd, 2015 12:03 AM

Dear Chumps,

Haven't written in quite sometime.. But I have my mid sem coming up.. So a lot of time to procrastinate.. Hmm.. So Haven't had a haircut in last 6 months (approx).. Pretty Cool.. Huh?.. Its just who I am yaar.. So much awesomeness.. People be like you look like a "dhanav"... But you know learning to piss people off that really mean something to you is quite a lesson.. to let them know that the decisions that you will make today or in the future may not seem logical or "safe" to them but I don't want safe.. I want a different lifestyle.. I don't know if this is selfish.. If there is a better way.. I do feel for them but I just can't keep killing things inside for the acceptability or for loveability of others.. I don't even know if its only a rebel phase and ho people grow out of it.. Adjusting to life of mediocrity, of quite desperation, of conforming their views under the peer pressure, in pursuit of the success defined by society.. I dont know if I will be able to completely insulate myself from these urges of like-me-please. I don't know if I am trying to do that.. Aree the thing is its kinda big bias which stops you from being truly happy.. You start being more critical about people when you are very critical about yourself.. The good and the evil takes over and you slowly start drowning in swamp.. I also get sometimes in this loop.. So many questions about reality, morality, decision, intuition, individualism, society in my head.. This difference between the idealism in the head and the feelings in the rest of the body,.. This midst of indecisiveness.. I hope it would lead me somewhere.. Some mountain top from where I can see the truth in all its glory without any biases, without any pre-conceived notions.. Just see the world the way it is.. That's the goal.. The spiritual one..

P.S. Kya likhne bhetta.. Kya likhta.. Phail honga ikjam meh..

Feb 04th, 2015 00:52 AM

Dear Champa,

Yo Dude.. Long tame, no sea.. Only mountains? Oo..

Things have been moving at different pace in 2015 untill now. Its been one hell of a January. The exams went quite well. I am hoping to score good in the "specialization".Hopefully they will turn out okay... Been taking a MOOC on positive psychology by tal ben shahar. Good Stuff. Its taught in Havard. Ahem Ahem. Been jumping from one book to the next. Its been awesome overall.

Went to Dehli for Rupa's birthday. I was there for long time. Its crazy how days in big cities pass. There is much happening. Dehli is becoming my 3rd fav city after Nainital and Rishikesh. It might have not much to do with anything else but the atmosphere at some places. Have been discovering the pattern in the chaos. Getting a deeper understanding of things and relationships. I am begining to see things in new light and wonder much impact the light can have on a place. I am delighted that Rupa has such a wonderful array of people with her. I now understand the difference btw family and friends, I guess. Too much wisdom.

Went again to Dehli for Prateek's show. For the nth date. :p. I don't know I don't feel outsider in that place. To many highs for me and no it was was not weed high. It was good. I don't know if the daemons are dead or not. It seems kinda complete to be with her. To go back to bed together. To look into her eyes and wonder what she is wondering. The days just float by. Somehow with the highs and lows of life, we have been lucky to keep it alive. Keep it burning. I don't know what people have in their minds, how things work in future. I am open to embrace the pain and the pleasure and to treat those two impostors alike. I never thought that I had so much emotion in me. It turns out it was her eyes, open wide. Patani kya likne lagg gaya hu. The problem with me writing these days. I get lost in the flow...chalo.. next time.. :p ;)..

Love you re Champa,
you be there, always..

Dec 31th, 2014 8:52 PM

Dear Champa,

Yuhooo.. 2015 Baybe..

2014 was a mixed bag. I think the rest of years from here on will be like this. With new highs and new lows. It really was exciting stuff. I grew a lot in this period. I still am the jolly good fellow. The meaning of lot of things, I used keep close to my chest, have changed. I still love to hangout with the awesomest person in the world, ahem ahem. My obsession with the worldly things, with people has been crazy. I never really thought I had it me, so much drama. The obsession has led me to dark places. It has come to my knowledge that there is a lot of difference between who I think I am? and who I actually am?. I have learned that there are many ways to happiness... Each to his/her own. Its been quite a loop to understand such small things in life.I guess its a pre-requisite to go through suffering for one to get enlightenment. Correction. This year has been awesome. I have learned more about the world/people/myself/relationships in this year compared to the cumulative of the years before. This has been such a liberating process. Yes there have been days of anxiety, insecurity, emptiness,hopelessness, of those swirling feeling in stomach. But I have been able to detach myself from them. I have been able to smile ,that famous fake smile of mine, in the coldest of times. That smile momentarily was able to be my getaway from reality. The feelings which had made holes in the heart. They ultimately became the vessels for love, for bliss, for kindness, for gratitude. I feel much more human today than ever. Isn't that amazing?

I hope to grow in similar trajectory this year. Little baby steps. I know the feelings/the emotions will hinder my sight sometimes. I would think stupid things and I might act a little crazy. But I promise to keep trying to get out of that pit, I promise to keep accepting experiences with open arms, I promise to be authentic in conversations with people, I promise to realize the essence of being humans i.e. being fucked up mostly, I promise to walk a mile or two in everyone's shoes, I promise to love/forgive myself like I do with people I know are not bad at heart, I promise to listen to my intuition, I promise to meditate more often, I promise to write thank you notes before going to bed, I promise to witness as many sunsets I possibly can , I promise to write more often, I promise to be open to rejections, I promise to let myself take a deep breath every once in a while, I promise to forgive and forget, I promise to provide value in little ways I can and touch as many lives , I promise to make people smile more often, I promise I will find ways to avoid criticism. I promise to write more often, I promise to read interesting stuff, I promise to reach out to more people, I promise ....

Dec 27th, 2014 05:39 AM

Dear Chumps,

Merry Christmas and a Happy new year.. :P

This festive season has been kinda a bummer.. You know emotional highs and lows.. It just feels so Earthly.. Like living with humans all these years somehow have made me more vulnerable to feelings.. I have always liked that word "vulnerable".. I guess it means something like open to feelings even the negative ones.. Even though they kinda suck sometime but its good.. Rupa be awesoming around in HP.. I'd so much like to be in her shoes right now.. This is also good though writing an entry on the brink of dawn.. :p.. Carry On, Carry on...

Dec 17th, 2014 12:58 AM

Dear Champa,

Yaara bada hollow hollow sa feel.. Emptiness type ki feeling has been surfacing kuch dino se... I don't really know what to do with them.. They kinda grab you off guard like when you are doing a really important numerical.. It just doesn't feel right.. Feeling hai yaar, ajj hai kal nahi.. Kissi se sochu baat karu iss topic but nahi ho pata just couldn't find the words or people for that sake.. Iss burst of energy k sath kya karu hojata.. Patanahi kya hai yaar.. Its not like sadness... Sadness is kinda amusing.. This is something else.. I don't how much sense I am making but yehi hai, jo hai... Baki exam hai yaar parso se.. God save the queen .. Kyuki humari toh bajne wali hai bina ultra sound k...

Nov 05th, 2014 2:27 PM

Dear Champa,

leaving for Munsyari ajj raat 12 baje. Business, Serenity , Escape. Whatever you call it. Things have been dizzy lately. The grey area is the place to be.The back and the white are in fairy tales. Time to grow up buddy. I don't want the world to change me, what I stand for. You know how world dictate its terms through pain and pleasure molding us into ways we never thought we were. I want to be a rebellion against evolution, against society, against the voices in my head. Those voices. They shout. They bleed. They mourn. They Judge. They tell me nasty things about world and its ways. I am not those voices. I am toh sexy. I have learned to listen to them, accept them, emphatise with them. They don't seem to take my hospitality in good sense. That makes me wonder. I have read somewhere that kindness to self is very important. I am trying to practice that. This has been a good life uptill now. The equations of the world seems changing. Everything I have been clinging so tightly as who I am seem to wither away. I can see a light in the end of tunnel. Every time I think I get to the end. The light just moves away. Someone seems to be running with that light, toying with me. Maybe I should stop. Maybe he will bring it back to me that light. But what if he doesn't?. The future and the past two steam lines which tend to define my existence. I can trust neither. I am lost in ways like millions of other. What is the meaning of it? If there is any meaning? Are we just bound to hop from one pleasure, looking for another. Our thirst never fully satisfied. Our senses creating a mirage. The distance between what is real and what is not seem to grow wider everyday.

Nov 04th, 2014 12:43 AM

Dear Champa,

Haven't written anything in millennium. Issues yaar. Samja kar!.. Toh what is the new is the. Life.. Huh!.. Yaar reading lots of Buddhism and Psychology related to that. I took a MOOC in it. Existential Philosophy. Huh? Its kinda fun . Reading about Happiness , Pain, Pleasure, Suffering, Feelings.I know there is no point of it. But I have always been a geek that ways, you know, some question just keeps pinching me about people and the society we have created around it. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really isn't. A lot of it is focused on things like mindfulness and gratitude. Khair the dikhat is I have no one to talk this stuff to. I don't want to bore people. Mota araha, usko chattunga. Aha! Pylann ban gaya.. Ajj k liye itna hi.. Attention span thingy. :P

Aug 1st, 2014 10:47 PM

Dear Champa,

Chan Ke Aai To Kya, Chaandni To Mili
Chand Din Hi Sahi Yeh Kali To Khili
Shukriya Zindagi, Shukriya Zindagi
Teri Mehrbaaniyan, Teri Mehrbaaniyan
Shukriya Zindagi!, Shukriya Zindagi!

Jul 17th, 2014 10:51 PM

Dear Chumps,

Ajj likhte Aw hi wali diary. The thing is most days in life are going to be awe hi. Toh suprize element markte life ko. Match chal riya riya. Arun Lal ka dilogue "Yeh Badiya hai" bhi chal raha. People be sarcastically going around "Yeh badiya hai". Had a awesome awesome time with Devil, Susu, Mada. Crazy crazy people they are. Thoddi craziness borrow marr leta unse, toh Zindagi aasan hojati kuch time k liye. Ghar ka banna na banna sab Bhagwaan k hath meh hai. Barish horahi roz kafi time, ghar walo ko tension hojati, sachhi kisan wali feelings arahi ajj kal. Mum be tensed about the same. Ittu si toh hai woh, Obama wala tension leke ghumti rehti, phir irritated hojati jaldi, kuch bhi bol deti phir. Ram bachaye ajj kal toh unse . Rupa be trying bhang ajj. Darr bhi lagta hai thodda thooda. Phir samja leta khud ko ki Khush hai, Jaha bhi hai. Kya karna hai MAYA hai sab. (MAYA, HOD ki biwi bhi hai. People bhi like HOD Maya jaal meh phasa hai :p). Sala fears ka kya hai. Prefrence kab comfort zone ban jaye kuch pata nahi lagta, phir comfort zone chorr k jaane se phatti. Ghar meh Dad ko dekhta, lagta you become the stories you tell yourself, limit karni wali stories nahi sunani khud ko, budappe tak core belief ban jate woh. Nayi cheeze check marte raho, comfort zone se bhar. Tabhi yeh discomfort zone bhi badiya hai, lagta I am fighting with old system, I am learning with each inner conflicts, I am growing. That's what School taught me Suffering= Learning. Weird rehahti philosophies apni bhi, koi sar paer nahi. Kisi ne btayi nahi, kahi paddi nahi. Bas bann gayi. Sala inko bhi check karte rehna hua. Khair Nusat Fateh Ali Khan is bliss among all this.. Phele Phel bahut hi hassi aati thi muje sunne meh, ab samaj ajaata kuch toh kilesh hojata.

"Mein ne un ke saamne awwal-to-khanjar rakh diya
Phir kaleja rakh diya dil rakh diya sar rakh diya
aur arzs kya mere bad kisko sataao ge"

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