They call me insane. Decide Yourself.
25 years old, Female, Pakistan
This thing does not matter to me but mere a memory, and I am in mood of writing.
So, I met this dude with a neat,black, "face shape" beard and a pair of suitable glasses perfect for his square face. Sometimes I judge people by their first gestures, and his was "arrogance" when we exchanged our first gaze. He was dressed in red shirt and some black or dark grey trousers that I didn't notice until the bus made its stop at Sial.
No doubt he had all the features a handsome guy has. Good height, attractive voice, cool looks with a pocket full of arrogance. He was sitting right next to me in the bus, listening songs and sleeping and sometimes staring across the window or the wind screen. Meanwhile I was listening songs, made two calls, and read a book whenever I felt I could complete a chapter. He on the other hand was getting extremely bored and that I could sense.
Anyways, it was me who first acknowledged his existence. LOL. We were waiting outside the bus during our stop. I asked him if 15 minutes were already over since the driver had come back to the seat and other passengers were hopping into the bus. The reason was that I didn't realize it could take me 10 minutes in washroom and merely 5 minutes in the bakery for the tea. Well, unfortunately he did not have the mobile as it was dead.
Then he asked if I could tell time, I said yes, it's "10:40 PM" something. He joked about it that the drive is super efficient that he is getting into the bus before time. I laughed. And here he quickly asked his first question if I work or study etc. And here we started talking.
Well, during our talks he seemed to acknowledge the problems and facts we discussed about traveling, marketing trends (he was MBA person and worked for some event management company), politics, and life in general. We talked continuously for 1.5 hours and didn't realize until we reached the destination. It was one good talk. His phone was dead so he asked if I could save his number and buzz him whenever I get time.
Well, whatever kind of a person he might be but one thing is for sure: All people are opportunists. He was traveling to Bangkok for the sake of leisure etc. So surely, he was one spoiled kid whose family was settled in Islamabad and had one fancy home in Lahore too. So yes, he had everything to impress a normal Pakistani girl. Who is not attracted to riches? LOL. Well, I DO and I DO NOT. I judge people by their values, their thought processes and how do they respect others' privacy. So, it had been 24 hours that he asked me to come over to his place because he was too lazy to go out. I used the same excuse that I am too lazy to go out and maybe we can catch up some other time (which we never will).
So, the point of all this is that yes, I am a silly blunt girl with a few attractive features. But it does not mean I am dumb enough to fall prey to your traps. To be very honest, I really enjoy talking about practical stuff and exchange of some valuable thoughts and beliefs. But hey, sorry man, I am not flirting with you and I am not hitting on you. I am just a very expressive person! If I am sharing my thoughts, agreeing to your points and laughing at your jokes, it does not mean that I am into you. You WISH.
I love meeting and talking to strangers but I believe I should not be exchanging numbers moving forward. They will reach out to me via my blog if they are serious in doing work with me. And I shall not ruin this beauty of traveling by converting short term connections into longer term poisonous and troublesome unnamed relations.
So here is my Rule Number 1: Do not spoil the beauty of travel connections.
It's not very often that I cry for someone. But when I do, I cry over strange things. Things like fears of a growing up child. Things that are not even true in that time. Things that hit me deeper!
Deep down I am still that 13 years young 8th grader who cried when her sister left home after her wedding. She is the eldest of siblings and has all of my heart. I saw her in her weak moments and I have seen her at her strongest times. She is one living hero who does not fight, but who sacrifices for love. She knows what's the price of love. She is not mean as the others might call her. She is one of the most patient person I had the opportunity to grow up with. Mother of two adorable girls, wife of a dominating husband and daughter of the meanest mother, she is my strongest sister. She gave me the freedom and independence. She showed me love more than my mother ever could.
And, this is what weakens me. The bond of love. The honest emotions.
In return I have always been a stubborn and mean girl. All because I want more from my life than anybody else in the family. My interests and my perspective set me apart from the rest. I am one free bird who wants to fly when she has strength in her wings. I fear regrets. And this is the point which pushes me to leave my nest of comfort that my sister has provided me. I know the moment I am gonna step out of this home I'll be all alone, once again.
But, haven't I always been? The only difference is I would be coming back to an empty room instead of welcoming smiles and chatters of my nieces. I'll have not home cooked meals, and no one will be doing my laundry.
But hey, this is not my home. I don't want to be a burden on my sister. I do contribute a little but that's not enough. I always try to do more than I could. It's not about money. It's about how much you care for your loved ones.
At the same point, these luxuries have made me lazy and dependent. I feel both my mind and body are rusting in this comfort zone. Therefore, I need to move out otherwise I'll lose my real self - myself that has fire in it for moving forward with great passion no matter whatever the challenges may be.
The thought of growing old and seeing your siblings growing old sickens me. So, I try not to have emotions in the first case because God knows I am so helpless when it comes to "farewells" and "parting away" things. I did not cry for my father because I did not know him. Yes, this is who I am - an extremist. A person like me could die in grief. And therefore I need to keep my mind busy, keep myself strong. I need to have less memories of the people I love because one day we all are gonna part away. The more memories I'll make with them, the more I'll suffer later on.
I wish I could get accustomed to a normal family norms and lifestyle. But, I am sorry. I am one free person who is unable to extinguish the fire of "exploring and traveling while I am young" that's inflamed deeper in my veins. If I compromise on my deepest desires, either I'll lose myself or I'll die a monotonous robot.
I have to admit it is pathetic and pitiful to get emotionally dependent on someone and then keep on waiting for that person to give you undivided attention. Either it is a friend or in any other relation the person stands with you, for some time whatsoever.
The question is why do you even need someone to listen to you? Why don't you just go to a psychologist for all your emotional drama?
Nobody is permanent. Nobody is always available. Even the psychologists follow a schedule and they fucking charge you for blowing off your steam.. it makes it even worse as if how desperate and weak you are to share your stuff with just a random person who in return asks for a hefty fee.
Holding inside is even poisonous. It becomes a disease eventually, called "depression."
It is worst to stay in the state of confusion. Yet I can't let go of my mixed feelings, secret thoughts and undefined emotions. I have to respect my feelings, my thoughts and my soul to not be exposed so easily and randomly.
I still believe in "keeping hopes", "frequent smiles" and "optimism"
Oct 20, 2018
I have been writing on writerbabu.com since 2011.
Today, I deleted many posts from my diary except the ones that really reflect a part of "present" me.
I hope, I may not need to delete anything from now onwards. LOL. Who knows.
My mind is racing and I need to decide what to write and what not to since I cannot just make it that simple for any reader to know my true self by just reading a few words. After all, it took me years to develop a certain mindset that has figured out a beautiful way to stay at peace.
8th Feb, 2018
Just as I wrote down the date, I realized 6th feb has gone and I could not wish my dearest sister. It's not that I forgot about her, but it's the woman, whom we call our "mother", who does not want peace. I wonder how can she forget the lesson she taught us by telling us a story of an old man and his four sons: united we stand, divided we fall.
It makes me go crazy because I cannot even make peace with the thought of blaming her for the sufferings of my siblings. May be it was already written. But I ask why ?? What had they done to deserve such a miserable life!
I cannot cry, I cannot blame anyone, despite my efforts I could not fix things. I feel as if I am mean enough to stay at distance now because it breaks me down. I feel losing my energy.
I have a lot to say, and a lot more to ask. At the same time, I have a lot to do. My mind never sleeps. I need to consult a psychatrist soon. I am not sure what I want from life. I feel I am escaping from it. . .
Feelings like love and trust are unknown to me now. I only know when to laugh and when to get angry. I dont even react to the gloominess, for deep inside it's tense grief that I don't want to acknowledge because I know I will break into the pieces again that I had joined with a hope of seeing light at the other end of despair.
I feel like a wandering soul. I have no emotions except the craving of a happy family which I know I never had, and I wont ever have. I sometimes wonder how my father looked like. Other times I wish would that my mother could just understand that family is a strength, not a weakness; children have rights and not only just duties; and love is the strongest bond of any relation, fear only creates gaps.
I might not like this piece of writing at another time; but that's a part of me I cannot deny.
I need to talk to someone who can listen without judging me. I wonder if I could find a psychologist as JC.
28th Nov, 2017
When I look behind, there is no one having my back
When I look ahead, I wonder would there ever be someone?
When I look inside, I feel deprived
26th Nov, 2017
Lol. What the fuck I have been writing up in my diary all the time. Read my own diary entry from 21st Sep, 2017. OMG! What the hell I have been thinking about all those years. Those deep emotions make me laugh at my own self now.
Or may be I have become cold.
Whatever the case is, one thing I can hope now is that I won't be hurt anymore since I feel nothing at all. LOL
26th Nov, 2017
I accept that I am depressed.
There is no one date for this state (:
14th Sep, 2017
I am finally returned to those times when writer babu was the only source of relaxation for my mind.
Yes, I am a human being and I need to let things out of me. I need to share the happiness and equally I need to give vent to the gloominess mounting up in me.
But, I feel dejected when people stop caring knowing what you have been through. It feels as if I wasted a part of my emotions sharing with someone who was not worth it.
I found work as an escape from all the complexity of emotions. Now, I find myself numb. Still, it makes me cry. I am not sure what else I want. May be, eventually I just end up at a stage where I no longer care about my loneliness. I was always afraid of ending up emotionless. For, I have always been an open person who does not feel the need of controlling any feelings or expressions. But, now seriously I am comfortable being quite and isolated because I cannot expect anyone to care enough.
I hope I will forget all about it in the morning :D office is another complete world in itself.
31st July, 2017
Every time I cry, why do I feel I need a psychiatrist?
LOL.. my mind quickly answers me: Bcz you don't have anyone to share this shit with :D
Yeah!! Sometimes it makes me feel poor, and sometimes it makes me feel proud of my strength of holding things in myself. Haha, I don't feel just same all the time...
I feel an amalgam of feelings. Such a complexity makes it difficult to identify whether I cry on being alone, being deceived, being treated badly or being unloved? I seriously don't give a shit about how things are or how life is! But, why sometimes eyes get wet? Why sometimes I feel the need of shouting and screaming?
May be I have all the answers to my questions. I just want to keep things simple. All is about giving love. I don't even care now what I receive in return.
Anyways, I am looking forward to introducing a platform where all the people will be welcomed to heal their broken souls. It's no shame to be broken.
I believe: You only start to heal when you accept that you are broken.
28th June, 2017
There are things I want to write about, a lot more things. I sometimes wish to capture each moment in my words. There is so much to write about, but time is all that I have none. But, I will make sure to write the latest happenings before they go stale.
24th June, 2017
DAD, Papa, Baba, Abbu, Abba... and many other nicks I may have given to my father if I had one. I feel cursed and deprived of father's love. The feeling of having a father is unknown to me.
Sometimes, I imagine if only I had DAD in my life, how different everything would have been... I could know what family means.
I might be a totally different person if I had been adored just a little. I would not have ended up at the wrong place Finding love.
Only if the beginning was right... I would not have ended up here writing this.
3rd April, 2016
I have never known how to tackle with a state when you go all blank. I just feel like I need some rest and even after resting several hours I feel heavy. I then try to cheer myself up by being around with room mates or hostel mates. Though this gives me some time to laugh but again when I am about to work, I feel totally blank and this irritates me a lot because I am unable to explain or even figure out what is wrong with me. Yes, there is definitely something wrong when I am going through such an undefined situation. I can not open up myself to someone else so easily and I don't even like it, and this adds up to my loneliness. Yes, it is not the solitude that surrounds me. It is the weird symptoms of loneliness. I will not deny that I feel alone, but I feel satisfied when I neglect that feeling. I want to stay hopeful and feeling alone brings depression. I even hate being dependent. Besides all these things, I don't know why there is a feeling inside me that makes me think that I need to learn to open up myself. Yes, I was much better when I used to write frequently because the things used to pour out of me in this way. I simply can not stay with the burden of a lot of thoughts, worries and stories inside me, neither I like to expose myself as a dependent and weak personality, so I figure out it is better to write them down where no one can access them. Whatever the case is, I think I need to learn a lot to rebuild myself. I have been broken once, and I got up at that time. This time it is taking too long, that I am worried what form I may take... I still want to hope for good.
19th Feb, 2016
Sometimes I find myself as clear as a glass, and the other times I find myself as the most complicated question which has never been answered completely. I am finding answers to myself. It has been so long doing the same thing, that it seems now as if I am seeking a track in a desert. I seem calm at outser side, but my inner-side is always wandering-making futile attempts to meet the original me. May be because I have gvn up writing... but again, there are others who dont write and they still have their satisfaction with them! But in my case, writing soothes me. It gives relief to my mind, making me believe that it still works. :)
15th Aug, 2015
I wonder how everything changes with time. And change is what has always been my problem. I hate changes! But then it is what time brings without any delay. Whatever it is, I am not gonna resist any change for I actually feel mentally sick and I just need to focus ob myself right now. I am not being selfish, but I cannt take this pain in my head all the time! I want to be what I had been, pure and simple in my mind and in my heart.
27th Aug, 2014
Time seems to be flying that I have started forgetting the important days which ought to be remembered.
But I want to remember each and everything which gives me internal happiness! yes, it was 24th Aug,2014 (Sunday) when we had a long time together after so long!Almost six hours we spent on Skype and Mobile :p
Loved that time! even though I was tired yet wanted to be with you! There was not a single moment when I felt bored or fedup of you; I always admired your company, no matter whatever we talk about!
That phone call proved that distances and gaps cannot change our feelings for each other! Rather they grow deeper with time!!
Whatever may happen, it will always be you whose company I love the most!!
from 7th to 8th June, 2014
-_- -_- -_-
I Am REAL BAD -_-
Made you cry -_- I did not leave because you were in bad mood. I only left at that time because I myself had been in worse mood and did not want to have another useless fight with you. I feel really bad and guilty for making you cry -_-
writing it down so that I may not do this again, neither I want to be that cruel, for I love you more than something called "love"
29th April, 2104
I think, the things are changing or I am changing... all I can sense is "change".
Experiencing No feelings or a good control over them :)
7th August, 2013
the most amazing feelings 3 (first time)
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.