Oh Captain! My Captain
23 years old, Female, Thoughts
Talking to Ditto 😍😍😍. I love him for all stupid reasons and you know it. Talking to him about what I did and why I did so.
Also it's their. Google keyboard is a pain in ass.
Life is good. I'm so happy for 2018 to happen. It made my visions clear and not to forget those long ass emotionally numb months I'd. They kind of shaped me into who I'm.
2018 was the year I let go of many people in spite of me realising my mistake and wanting them to a part of my life. Turns on it was good decision. I loved deleting thier contacts and thier Hollow personalities from my Life.
Another year of self reliance, another year of me hopelessly being in love with someone and have chutiya so called friends who can't handle minimal stuffs.
Inked wrists Page 😂 Joke. Too many cooks spoil the broth. I loved how Ayushi was trying to hold it.
I don't even talk about it, because I've stopped writing , I don't know when am I going to get back to it but as of 2 years nothing. No regrets of any sort bye bye self righteous people. Oh expect one regret, Karl , you're a motherfucker pig.
Shoutout to my important peeps
Chintu and Shraddha
I've been so busy recently, I can't tell you. Not that anyone's asking me.
Do people care? No, the harsh slap of truth. They just wear this facades everytime . I really appreciate facades, they're so necessary for survival. I don't mind now - anyone portraying me they're something that they're not. It's fine Bastian, people do what they need to. Instead of cribbing about how things , person changes I try to see what made them do that.
Normal life is good life. I don't want anyone existing or coming in my life ( Not anymore) .
Ayush's surgery was successful.
I've become healthy Bastian, can you effing believe it?😂
Dear Bastian ,
i wanted to write to you since so long but couldn't gather courage to do so
How was 2018? (In my head I was like 2017 okay )
It was one of the major defining years of my life! My relationship with Zee ,on an honest note I don't know even what the fuck was my relationship with him ,ended. I saw us struggling in the space that was there between us. Secondly I've learnt that I'm better off without certain people in my damn fucking life.
I've lost myself Bastian.
3 months since my affair has ended with Zee and everything with Chintu is confirmed.
Yet, why this hollowness?
Yet why do I feel like I've been robbed?
Yet why does my heart always searches for him to be the light?
Never hold on to people. Learn that
You know what, I have tried to hold on to some people but at the end of tunnel they've proved it to be totally unworthy. Enough of me saying sorry again and again and wanting them back in my life when they clearly have grown bonds over last years so well.
I never want to return to my father again. It's a vivacious chain.He keeps hunting me down whenever I try to stand up. He kills a part of me with eah words he speaks to me....
So all the tears were a show from his side.
He never wanted me to come back to him and maa. Sometimes I wonder,what kind of fate have you bestowed for my mother..
my HOLI was a sad affair again..
As of now, I've loads of shit at my plate to deal with.
1- Badi ma needs is back at home, but the main problem still lingers cause her blood pressure and sugar are high without it being low, doctors aren't going to perform any sort of operation. God! Her heart attack shook us like fuck.
2- I'm being emotional in loving someone who just don't hold the power to love ever again.
3- Lord! I hate relatives and gatherings. All they do is notching and bitching. There is marriage at place so can't ignore them. Come stay at out home, don't give a fuck about my ailing mother and demand five star level food.
Guess what kiss my sparkling ass. I don't know about maa but I'm not to tolerate anything against me or my maa.
4- Least I require from people is emotional attachments.
5- Let me sleep.
I'm an irrevocable fool for letting the other people have me.
Have my feelings, my thoughts to be ridiculed upon.
Each time, I feel I'll be fine after letting the agony and other things out, I feel more miserable.
It's like they stamp over my head through their slaughtering words.
I'm not fine and hope the opposite for you.
I've broken my left foot yes you read it right and my haemoglobin status is 6.7, whereas it should be 14—16. -. -
I've got to seriously admit that I over pushed myself for last two months. I was hardly taking 4-5 hours sleep in total and idk what not.
I was labouring so hard, focusing on finding a way out that I overlooked my health and biggest chutzpah amongst all this is I still stand no where near Tuhina like I wanted to be.
Tuhina Ayushi in our batch have this superiority complex and I wanted to show them that, a girl who wears baggy clothes remains out of style mostly is of your level too.
Biggest regret- Chintu is in town for his birthday and I can't even stand. Amazing isn't it?
Rest we're products of our own environment. Courtesy of my father, my depression has resurfaced. Yes I'm choosing to address this issue rather than talking in hushed tones behind the door. will write 📝 later on.
Leg is paining.
Kinda dissappointed with the way everyone is busy!
Abhishek sir is one hell of a person. I mean, I get it! You like Aradhana, it's totally okay no harm but stalling other students cause your Aradhana hasn't yet completed RC is one fuck of a behavior. I and Radhika had finished 3 RCs while the students who've Abhishek 's support or rather are his top students were struggling with completion of one.
He could have simply checked our answers and let go of us but nah! He made us wait up till 1 PM.
You know I'm kind of feeling guil, Ayu has vested so much trust in me and I am unable to edit a chapter since so many days.
I'm so caught up. And if I'm not caught up, I'm tired.
I'm tired of getting tired so easily.
My body isn't coping up with various things around.
Lel I care least.
Anil sir has told us not to waste a single second.
Things are slow with Chintu. Yes we've patched up as clichéd as it may sound, but we simply couldn't let go of the years we gave to each other.
Will be writing regularly now. ☺
Oh and yes Pradeep Sir parked my scooty today. He's so ultra cute I tell you.
Gotta go don't need my head in gutter again!
You know what I am pissed ,I'm an emotional fool. Yes I'm, an utter fool who falls prey to the emotional drama family pulls up in front of me.
I was much better than Riya, I'd potentials and yet can you see where I stand? Comparatively nowhere. Riya just got back from training at Delhi. She'll be joining hotel for work next year at Delhi(Hayaat,I guess).
Jatin jiju asked me last night at party ki Neha Saali ji,kya kar rahi ho kaha ho kyu ho? And I didn't had answers to any.
Mai aaj bhi wahi pe khadi hui jaha 3 saal pehle thi..
You know you can't be support less ever when your mother hugs you and says - "I asked for your new life Nihu while bathing in Ganga and see you got a one. Let Chintu be what he is, you shouldn't waste energy on him"
Varun had a hilarious reaction to my breakup.
"Jayda farzi ka roo kisi Chutiya ke liae toh utha ke gandae naalae mae pheak aauga, You just need me Didi love me" and we danced on Dum maro dum, like idiots.
New life indeed.
I've targets. I want to get out of kanpur anyhow.
Life hitting hard.
Got my graduation result yup I passed and yet I failed in everything I had,
Yes if you know.
We broke up. I and Chintu are no more a thing.
Won't go into details, just that we mutually ended it..
(Idk why I still have a little hope, that someday he'll call me up and say I want us back. Lol I'm being too hopeful ain't I?)
There's a writer Daniel Welsh on Instagram and his one writing has stuck in my mind like a idk what.
||~Why do you smoke ~
"Why do you smoke? "she asked me, as I lighted up the cigarette,
" There are many things "I said, crossing my legs,
" Many things that are going to destroy me
Having a cigarette makes me feel like, I've a choice what "..
Frankly, I miss Bless this hot mess's diary.
What irks me is, how we humans have a conceptual habit of putting all our feelings, our trust, our love, our peace into the palm of a person only to be played upon? No matter how much we deceive ourselves of not falling in the same trap again.
Accept it move on.
Try not putting the whole content of your heart blah etc into the playing hands of other person who walks in picking up scattered pieces of you from hither tether.
Try not oozing out your feelings to the person who next tells you that he/she loves horizons like you do.
And by writing this, utterly lame things above, I'm convincing my own pity self for not doing it.
It's my cooping mechanism.
Kicking start the Ink Wrists insta tomorrow.
Allah rehem nawazae.
Bruce, God damn! Stop licking frost from your own hand. Lol
I'm fucking irritated on Varun, cause he needs the scooter to go to his friend's house nearby. I mean, that's my scooter my petrol and you being a 16 years old guy come out of nowhere and show aggression over wanting it.
Lame. I pity you..
Moreover, what pissed me off was, Maa sitting and silently staring at me and him. And later said 'Tum dono ka mamla hai, tum dono jano ".
Hume toh pata hi nahi tha. Aur tab aap ki yeh high level functionality kaha chali jati when you really need to fucking stop giving advice in my matter?.
Bloody Double standards.
Oh yes! It was Father's day. I didn't even wished Papa.
Why should I wish him? For giving us countless memories, that only brings tears or should have wished him for making me an addicted.
I know, everyone says Smoking kills. Yes it does.
But I guess, more than half of the people kill themselves over mental issues.
Back in class 11,when I used to cry silently.
Was anyone there?
But Cigarettes were there.
I know it sounds utter shit. 😂😂😂😂.
Csjm fucking University fucking hasn't declared my fucking result fucking yet.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.