Are we all lost stars, trying to light up dark.
22 years old, Female, Hyderabad
He is my bestfriend and its been a week since I have spoken to him. I miss him so much. I can't complain him about my boyfriend since he is my Bestfriend as well as boyfriend.. :'(
I am in huge crises.
Most productive and tiring day of this month. I am so tired of writing my research papers but I am happy that i wont stress in last hour of submission day since i have achieved my target. Just wanna have baby sleep for 2 days. :D
When I was 5 year old kid. I used to stay with my grandfather. My parents were too busy with their jobs to look over me. So my grandfather used to take care of me. He used to take care of everything from school to studies to meals- hobbies what not. I used to be a topper those days.. We were so happy. I used to tell him what happened in school. How I fought with guys of my class. :D
I used to share my entire day with him. One day when I was in the school, someone came to take me back to home. There was a huge rush. All of sudden my maternal home filled with alot of people and I had no idea what's happening. I was familiar with many of them. I found my grandfather, my best friend, laying down and then mumma came, hugged me and told me that tata is no more.. I couldn't understand, I was wondering why is he laying down in the living when he could lay on the bed room.. I had this weird feeling.. I didn't cry. My family was busy with the funeral customs, rituals and service.
I started feeling lonely, nobody to share my day with. Time passed. One day my parents felt like taking me with them when they settled, could'nt accept the change but somehow I managed to. I was in 6th standard I still remember. School change hua. ghr change hua, city change hue. It was so difficult to accept things around. I used to miss him so much. I couldn't make bond with my parents the way I had with my grandfather. I don't think I would ever have made efforts to make emotional bond with them..
Now when I feel comfortable with anyone, around anyone. I naturally become emotionally dependent. Don't know why. I didn't even realized that nd My world runs around them. It means the person has power over you. I didn't want my relationship to be like that. Idk what I am supposed to do with all these emotions. All I know is its affecting my personal life. Today I asked my boyfriend for space. I really don't know what I am gonna become in this entire process. If my feelings change for him or will remain same.. That's scary but I think its okay. At least I won't be toxic anymore..
I had a "not giving damn about anything" sort of day. Had a peaceful weekend. I was mentally calm ,not rushing and worrying about things happening around. Once in a weekend I think we all deserves our "me3 time" for entire day.
I don't even feel bad about not enjoying life the way I planned. So what if just a year left to over Clg life. I would pursue Masters just for accomplishing my plans. :P
Crazy head no?
Its too early for me to think about any job or getting placed. I want to pursue Masters and remain liability to my parents for at least 2-3 years more.
Well since I have started writing here. I feel its making difference in my life in a way that these days I am aware of things which bothers me and things that made me happy. It feels good when you are mentally and emotionally sorted. So basically its working for me. Nice feeling no.. So yeah, thank you so much writerbabu.com for being there. :)
I realized, its been so long since I worked my ass off. I miss those days or may be the routine I had back in 2018-19. Damn already been more than a year. It was 2020 which screwed my life, getting same vibe in 2021 as well. Feels so unproductive but Why should I put efforts on something which I don't vibe for.
Not walking with time and just wasting time is so depressing. I don't even know what I want from my life. I took me an entire week to find out what I want from myself.. Basically not vibing for anything now. Just on the process of analyzing things. I wish I could go back to the campus and seat on the top floor balcony while looking at moon.. The vibe is so different and good there. I am too sleepy to feel anything now other just sleep but this damn thing I have to figure out na. But later. I am sleepy. Chalo signing off now.
Its meaningless to expect empathy and logic from Hnlu admin. I don't even care about it anymore. Because its not good enough for my mental health. If someone has a chance to leave please do, thats all I could suggest you for a peaceful and stress less life.. Also i will guide the freshers if asked "mat aaana". Its just I am very tired and just wanna passout asap. Its like ek saal bacha hai, kaatlo aur niklo yaha se.
I am so bored of attending all those meaningless lecture, for the sake of fulfilling my exam criteria. It feel like years already passed.. Why the hell my Clg administration so slow and lazy to take decision regarding re opening of the clg and the campus. It seems like even pharma companies are faster than the adminstration of my university. :D at least they produced vaccines. :P
Lol.. I don't know if its something to be happy about or not?
But I hit my guitar after 10 years straight. I never thought I will ever be able to play it. But something made me do that. I would say its my love for my boyfriend, the only reason for me to start playing guitar is him. I wanted to play and sing him a beautiful song. But when I hit it today. I realized, why I never played it for myself and to sing songs along. I always wanted someone to do it for me. Why not me for myself. ?
Btw I have beaten those strings so hard and well that I end up breaking one of those strings...?
And this is actually something to be happy about.. ?
Once again I am here. What made me come back is my loneliness. Just wanna be me. Without any prejudice. It feels so good to be you,the real you and not what society wants you to be. Right?
It feels so good to feel free. I think its been long since I slept well. Hopefully I will today. ?
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.