And when the pen whispers, the paper silently listens.
23 years old, Female, Delhi
I have shifted again this August, to where I came from, leaving Vasant Vihar forever, post the retirement of my Dad this February.
Time and age often pulls us apart from hobbies, out of which, one of them is you. You, the diary I keep returning to, even when there is a gap of more than one year, even when I forget I do have someone I can share my feelings with, I do return. In the darkest hours of the midnight, long after everyone has gone to sleep, I turn on my laptop, to get back to you, to update you with all that has been going through in my life, all this time I was away.
It has been a journey of seven years with you, Zoe dear, and I never remember any diary lasting that long, any accounts of words and sentences still freshly written down, from the first to the last entry. Probably that is why I shall keep returning, keep reading snippets from the past, now and again, to keep up with the lost memoirs buried beneath the heaps of new memories and workloads upon the petite shoulders.
It has been more than a year since I wrote to you, dear, for I was very busy, trust me. The past one year went away in such a hurry that even I couldn't exactly comprehend the intensity of the occurrences, couldn't adjust myself to the fast paced life and the decisions hurriedly taken, without being well thought of.
There comes a time in your life when it all comes into a standstill, when you can't feel anymore, when you don't enjoy your life anymore, when you stand in front of a crossing and cannot decide which direction to move forward to. There comes this time when this confusion overpowers your emotions, and you seldom understand the best decisions to take. I remember the day I was returning from an interview at CP Kukreja's, which of course did not fare well. I remember the various rounds of interviews, the Uber drives which were mostly spent lost in deep thoughts about where to go, which direction to take?
Rupam's colleague Ankit had randomly called me in their office to chit chat, since I had not met them for over a year. I went there straight from the interview, all dressed in formals, with my portfolio and CV in hand, as if totally prepared for a job interview at Dramantram. Ankit and Rupam had reviews them with great interest, and I did go to their office for two or three day to work, just to pass my time and keep my hed off negative thoughts that hovered around like demons, mocking me for my joblessness. I was offered a job there, but I refused, scared to death regarding the change of stream and future career prospects, leaving it to a standby, which after calculative measurements, I think I would finally pursue, after a month or two, thereby leaving architecture altogether.
Durga Puja last year got me some good news to keep up with. I got accepted at two firms simultaneously, and out of the two, I selected the one with better projects and more employees, where I just completed a year last month on October 22nd, and am still working, till I find a better one.
October 22nd brought along an array of confusion in my life. I met a guy who joined just 10 days post my joining at the same firm. He was the kind of person one would like to maintain distance from, he had the looks of a thug with a body with abs and muscles, who liked adorning himself with shoes that cost 30,000 bucks and whose favourite hobby was to roam around the city in his Royal Enfield. It was weird how this started, maybe it was a distraction, maybe I knew I wasn't into him and that was the sole reason I pulled myself into it, to distract myself from everything that kept on happening with me, between all the heartbreaks I suffered all along, probably I wanted to hurt myself more. Or probably I just wished to live my life roaming around the streets at midnight or get drunk while my parents were out of time, just for once. Maybe we just bonded over our mutual interest in art, or the similar taste in music, for apart from that, as far as it goes, I don't remember having anything in common with this man.
I would come back from this date only to have Rupam wait for me back at my home, with glasses filled with whiskey and Old Monk, and cosy blankets and fairy lights creating the ambience in my room.
We dated for a good 20 days, on his call, for he kept on calling me for a month before that, until the day my disinterest started turning to eagerness, before this guy blurted out he wanted sex, and yet did not want a relationship, or that was the end of us.
I don't remember how it ended. Neither I nor him gave any clear closure, and yet it stopped, gradually, between us, like forgotten lyrics of a quite uneventful song.
The days were blurry post this incident. The guy I knew did not matter to me was hovering around everywhere in my mind, when I went to office, when I sat down to work, or when I went to sleep... It was always thee, this feeling of heartbreak, loneliness, and the saddest part was my inability to speak up or share with anyone, for no one was aware about this secretive relationship, except Nikhita, my best friend, who had disapproved his existence from the very beginning.
To cover up your scars, you apply new medicines, new herbs, new pains that numb the pain of the previous sting. That was how Shashi happened, in the darkest hour of my life, who came to my life like a candle trying to light up the hollowness beneath me, even when we don't get along that well, for we, dear Zoe, are world apart, each one fixated into their own thoughts, head strong in their own directions, and yet strong and lovable enough to hold on to, trying our best even against all odds, all possible obstructions that can lead to the destruction of our relationship. We are still holding strong, for however the relationship might have started, there is sometimes truth and homeliness you find in another soul, a person you can turn to, a person who awaits your voice, a person who can soothe your heart after a long tiring day.
We are there, together, for the moment, though I cannot be sure how long it would last. Probably, if you ask him, he won't be sure too, but his love is greater than his ego, his anger.
That is where I am, dear Zoe. That is what has been brought in my life, this year. Little bit of happiness, little bit of pain, suffering, confusion, dilemma.
Perhaps that is the essence of life. Perhaps we all are living, waiting for death.
I come back whenever I feel I have things to vent out, and here I am again.
Nikhil, I remember always taught be to be strong. "What if tomorrow I am not there?"
Shouldn't I have taken a hint?
"No, I want to be with you. I love you,, Riya... but what if circumstances pull us apart? Will you die?"
I didn't die. But do I call it being very alive?
I have been indulging myself in a lot of therapeutic talks and philosophical conversations lately. Probably, I think we are growing old. Older than we were yesterday. Rupam and I were talking about money once, when he told me how he overheard a frustrated guy in the metro talking to a fellow person.
"We teach all the wrong things to our kids."
Well? Not that I haven't pondered over it.
"Since early childhood, we inculcate values. Emotions, Parents love, care- we all teach the kid to treasure everything they get. And protect them. Have we ever brought up the kids in an environment where they have been exposed to the harsh realities of life? Have we not kept them in a bubble filled with everything happy, pink and gay?
And then suddenly, the kid grows up. And we, the parents are stern. Grow up, you're not a kid anymore- they say. How can they not be? Ask them to go cross the street by himself, and you will be there to hold his hands. How can that kid realize how unsafe it is, when you are always there, watching out for him, guiding him? And then suddenly it turns to marks and money! Does it not? You have to top.
To get into a good college!
To earn money.
I can do that anyways.
To earn better money.
When did money become everything in life?
And, if it were always so, why not train them since their childhood!
Welcome to the world, my child, you are here to earn money, without which you will never get enough respect."
I was fired from the startup.
I do not wish to talk about it. It's already so much pain in my chest, a burden that I have kept to myself. I did my best, Zoe. I tried everything. And yet I failed.
Maybe it too, was the outcome of the values my parents taught be in childhood.
Whenever you see a mistake, never point it out. Never point out someone else's flaws on his face. And I grew up, remembering these, and when I joined places, I realized the world didn't exactly work like that.
What then would I be teaching to my children once they are born?
Probably I should start making a note of all the things I have to speak about. I will, one day. When I have enough time.
A lot of time has passed. More than a year, and within that, more than 365 pages of my life has been turned.
As if a whirlwind swayed and tore away my pages somewhere, lost in the chaos, somewhere, I can't see it anymore.
Things are like that, yes, things are like that.
A whole year, and too much occurences to forget. Or remember. 2017 was a mixture of pains and gains, of new faces and old, and masks and truth. And Here I am, in the middle of 2018, somehow more than a year has passed, and yet it seems yesterday.
I am swaying in the repitition of my own words, and a bit of perhaps and maybe, as I always do in my writeup. Somehow, Zoe, I feel it puts a lyrical effect to my not so lyrical life. And since I have kept away from you for so long, shall I tell you in points over what all happened last year:
I always liked those tiny eyes. And somehow, I never knew when liking those innocence turned to love. Or maybe something similar, for if someone would ask me to stay with him for ever, I could, I knew, and I would. His new duty at IndiGo didn't leave him any space, and that is how, I felt, we swayed away somehow, and yet, kept in touch...
I fared well in my exams. I topped my thesis in college. My thesis was a part of urban design dealing with the purification of Yamuna and proposing a riverfront to the neglected river, it was well received. I did great, thankfully.
I landed up at my dream internship at a dream firm, and all was well till three months. I made new friends, went out, enjoyed my time, till they all left for better opportunities, and I got to see the other side of the firm. For six months after my first three months, I landed up in depression once again, which grew worse towards the end. The employer was an asshole. She never treated us with dignity. Felt, as if we were slaves, and we interns, less than human. Somehow, I do not know how, since each day seemed like a year... It ended and I set myself free. Never to return again.
We had our college farewell in October. And I and Loki were almost too close to get together, and maybe share a kiss. We stopped, for my utter devotion to Rohit, and his, to his present sweetheart. Thankfully.
I gained 5 kilos. Began eating too much.
My parents reached the 25th year of togetherness, and that was when I and Rupam had planned on setting things up as a surprise for them on their special day. His strained relationship with Sumedha led them part ways, somehow, and yet he was not ready to accept it. All people make mistakes, that, yes, that is what he said when he found out she had been sleeping with someone else. And he, how could he touch the body of the girl lying on her bed, sleeping in peace, when he knew she was being fondled by some other person on the very same bed, this very same way? We both got drunk, and fell asleep, and when we woke, we gently kissed, and kissed, and kissed more, him on me, hugging, and kissing... hugging again, with tears in both our eyes, frantically searching for a lost love, frantically trying to overcome the situation.
What did we do? and why?
For days I couldn't overcome the guilt. I did not know why we did that. I fell ill the next day onwards. Thinking, how, how would I have felt if it were Rohit who had done this?
Omma passed away on February 9th.
Mom was in Kolkata to attend her last rites on my parents' 25th Anniversary day.
Dad was all alone. And Laltu Da and Olivia had come to stay with us to attend the ceremony of the anniversary. What deja vu. What pain, what havoc. We went to Chowki Dhani to lighten up the mood. The atmosphere was dark. Inside and out.
I was during the rock bottom of my internship period when I had one day, called Alisha just to hear that Rohit had been dating the girl I had always thought he had feelings for. And all these years, he had, for time and again, asked everyone to stop making me worry about her.
His every attention, the way he made me eat, his fingers touching mine, his gentle strokes of fingers on my head when I would rest my head on his lap, all came flashing back in my memory.
They way he proposed, in the middle of the night, with songs of love playing, and he half sitting, asking for my hand, making me promise to be together. Ha, what games do people play, what games do lovers play... and all the while there I was, believing he was there for me, that things would be fine, after all. We did have a lot of time, didn't we? Why did he then, look at me with love, when I wore the blue saree, and ask me to replace Nikhil's small earrings with his mother's jhumkis?
I cried. At home, in office, in the bus, in the bathroom. Wherever I could. My guilt, somehow got overtaken. Turned to vengeance. We talked, and he wished to sort the matter out the next day.
And I waited, waited.
He never turned up.
On the call did he tell me, he was always with her, even when he had proposed me, even when he had me sleep on his lap... They were always together. And it was all a drunk mistake. What mistake which lasts for years? I am yet to find it out.
"Why did you never tell me?"
"Because I did not want to hurt you. You were too hung up on me"
"This cannot be true."
"I feel bad. And over the time I wished to see who was better, you or her. And now that Sush and I have broken up since 5 months, I decided to see if it works out with you."
I was terribly hurt. Somehow something changed again. I grew again. I learnt again.
"I am a great player. I can play with feelings well and people won't even know." "If you want a boyfriend, install Tinder!"
And all these hurt me. I did install it, out of anger, of vengeance, of pain and grief, of being someone he thought I was, to pain me more. For that, Zoe, is what all men have given me. As soon as my internship ended, I did that, went on blind dates, met a man, thought of nothing and jumped into a relationship, without feelings, without commitments, only to know that he had been cheating after a month.
And yet I gave myself no time to heal. I jumped again. Plunged again, and today Zoe, I cannot find myself anymore. Somehow 2018 has changed the whole of me. I am what I couldn't have imagined me to be, and I do not know whether to smile or frown. Emotions do not come to me easily again. Somehow memories of Nikhil and his words still linger. And I live with it.
Oh where are you, after 2 years. Look, how grown up I am. Look what havoc did life play with me. And yet I laugh. And yet I smile at every pain. Is this called growing up? I somehow feel you know how I am doing. I know you know, I just know.
With that, my Bachelor's comes to an end. I have a last exam tomorrow, and I am not sure what to feel about it. Started Quora again. Maybe it will help me learn more things. Got a job at a Startup Firm, and too scared to take the next step. Meanwhile, I have tonnes of freelance projects lined up. I am scared.
Wish me luck for the future,
If I look back, I feel like the present me is an unrecognisable, unrelated, unattached being. If someone told me I would be like this a year from now, I would have laughed it away, and in an instant called someone to tell them about this. It's been a long journey, and yet time feels short. Today when I remember all that has happened within the span of these ten months, it feels as if it were only yesterday when I was whining, wailing. How it all turned into a radical, strong, independent personality is something even I fail to understand.
To be honest, it wasn't easy. And if someone asks me whether I like the present version of life that I am leading or would I rather go back to the past, I would turn philosophical. Although I appreciate the strength, the focus, the goals, the life I lead today, I think if I had a choice, I would have given anything to return to the past, to cherish the moments I never knew were going to end soon. Perhaps this is life. You lose things all along, and gain newer things and experiences throughout.
For days, I had been bound. My parents fail to understand that I am an adult, 22 years old, and no longer a teenager as I used to be when I started maintaining a diary. Youth of my age are free to love, to drink, to smoke, to party, or to lead a sexually active life. And among all the above things that I have mentioned, I have done only one or two mild things. I am yet to experience joy, as long as it does not sway me away from the principles I have for myself, from the goals, the visions and doesn't strip me off my dignity, respect. Being in the 21st century, and being almost 22, I have developed my own rules and regulations. I am an adult, I know what is good, and what is not. I know who to stay away from, and who to embrace. And yet it pains me when parents discover a little secret and bind me with their ever lasting shackles, and accuse me of doing things I can never think of. Perhaps their strict and most of the time, stupid methods of parenting, which involves beatin me black and blue, involves verbally abusing me is what has made me harsh towards them.
Falling in love, as I once did, was not a mistake.
Being raised right does not mean you do not love, you do not drink, you do not smoke or party or hangout with friends. It's about respecting, loving and caring. It's about knowing where to say what, it's about nature and mannerisms. If I drink today, it doesn't not mean I may go out and sell my body to a stranger tomorrow. It never means so. If I was in a relationship for 8 years, it does not necessarily mean that I am a virgin.
I feel terrible. I have been abused, a lot. Perhaps he knew this would happen. Perhaps his parents knew this would happen. Perhaps that scared everyone off. It scares me too, Zoe. Knowing the paranoid side of my parents, and realising that all throughout my life, the things that I had taken normally were in fact abuse in one form or the other. It scares me off if I think about falling in love again, for I am well acquainted with the past. I know how much issues I had to face for falling in love, from my family; and on the other side for having such a family, from the love of my life, or so I thought.
I feel like that tiny sapling outside my front door, wanting the attention of the sunlight in order to grow, and yet the harsh sunlight is more than what the little life can bear.
Sometimes you wish you had known the truth, sometimes you really want to know it, and yet even with uncertainties ahead, you keep on dragging yourself into the danger.
I have wasted a lot of my life already: my childhood, my teenage, my early adult life... and now when people keep on asking me to have patience and wait for the right thing to happen, I feel ridiculous. What right ever occurs in a life? I seldom understand the optimism in souls which have the capacity to only think of the positives. Perhaps life has always been good to them. The ticking clock scares me, for I know not what the immediate second shall bring.
How I wish for certain things to come true, yet when I have the slightest possibility of knowing what reality awaits, I tend to avoid the answers to my questions. Somehow it reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me how I would be afraid before entering the examination hall. But more than that, I feared the results. I feared to even type my roll number to check the computer screen. I feared the worst, always. Somehow it made me feel better to see a better result. That is what my problem had always been. I had always taken tests so seriously, that when life came rolling by, I never realised when I started to take it as the end of the world, as if there was no way to survive without achieving what I desired.
And yet this learning process took so much time, it seems it has drained out all my energy. Sometimes, things run off to pave way for better things. But the question is, how do you identify the better?
They say life is ever changing- a month can mess up so bad in your life. If you would have told me this a year back, I would have shooed off your theories stating it to be absurd, irrational, but believe me, I feel back then, I knew nothing about life.
What seemed to be a beautiful start now seems absurd that it actually happened, and the most part of it was the repentance of that I let it happen. It was going on- the unsure thing, yet obvious- the thing where we both knew something was there, yet didn't accept, nor deny. It went on for three months before the two whiskey shots with honey made me ask him what it was, and what followed was a definite injustice to the docile heart of mine. Inside, my mind screams out aloud, shouts, abuses, cries, sheds tears, outside, a numb, calm soul.
I wonder what has happened to the little girl who would tell everyone her story? The story of how she was betrayed, how she cried, how she wasn't able to survive this pain? Why is it that today I no longer feel my heart even speaks to me? I remember vividly the feeling of love, the jealousy, the seduction, the desires, I felt normal earlier, but today, even my heart does not know what it goes through. Am I sad? I do not know. I know this much that I do not cry. But why is it that there is something deep inside me that I cannot find? Something deep inside which prevents me from smiling or grinning? Why is it that the people whose attention I craved for now seem so distant to my heart: they didn't go anywhere, but it seems I felt for some faraway land.
Sometimes, I feel weird. Absolutely weird. My heart seems empty. I do not know why.
Have you ever heard of the line, "past will always haunt?"
Yes it does, no matter how much you move on, how much new memories you fill your life with, there will always be a part of your heart which will burn when you receive even the slightest notification from him. The slightest touch, which might be as insignificant as a single grain of sand, yet how it disrupts the feel of a whole delicious food- my present life... even if it only says,
That small message had the power to haunt all over my soul, my inside, my outside- that one incomplete sentence to which I did not even get a chance to reply to... It haunts me.
Some say I do not need the past, even as a memory- who do I need it for? Is it any worth protecting and caring for the things which were once very close to my heart but today hold no value, completely useless to worry about?
For although I have all the means, he has shut out all the doors for me to reach out to him, and I, have allowed him to haunt in my soul for as long as he can... But is it not true that I did forgive- I hold no hurt, no hard feelings, and inspite of all the wrongs, I do care for the memories for they were once important, for I was once naive and happy, I still am, although not as much, but content enough to smile- I have understood how this works, this life... I just had to find a source of my happiness- a source not in someone's else, but a source that is capable of lighting up my soul even on the darkest day- the source which doesn't need another body but rather in yourself. These months have taught me what he could not in years " He was just a part of my life, not my life"
and whosoever comes in my life will be just a part- an insignificant part of my life. Life is huge, too huge to be wasted giving out love to the world and be left with nothing for yourself.
He used to ask me why I cared for others too much? Why nothing for me?
That was perhaps because I loved others much more than myself until one day I realised it all goes in vain and that nothing or no one takes notice. The one who provides is always the sufferer, and henceforth the selfishness dawned upon me.
For I, myself am responsible for my moods, I am the lock, as well as the key to my happiness and it is me and my soul who is in charge of my life, not my peers, not sharmaji not my father, not my brain.
Do you know a universal truth we often run away from? It's the fact that the person who you consider to be the closest to your heart is the person who will definitely betray you. The person you call your closest today will never be holding the same importance in your life a year from now. Looking back, I remember how many different people came to my life at different points of time, and I loved them all, at different intensities, and putting myself in the shoes of my past self, I know at that point of time, I couldn't have imagined living without them, and every time they left, they took away a part of my soul, a part of my happiness, and a part of my love. With each passing person, I was left with little to give, to the next, and so on. And that is why when you love for the first time, you love that intensely, wholeheartedly, with a lot of innocence, for you never have seen betrayal, you never have felt what it is to be left alone.
It is indeed very interesting to note how scared we are to give our heart to someone, but when we are free from that scare, when we try to rebuild the broken wall of trust, brick by brick, with a stronger mortar built with love, care, caution, we often tend to forget its past- how it was shattered completely.
An old dilapidated monument is broken down to build skyscrapers, but deep inside, the foundations still have traces of the past, however hard we tend to ignore.
Olivia and Dada were supposed to get married in Mumbai, in a Catholic as well as a Bengali Hindu Wedding, partially fulfilled, the whole joy broken up due to the demise of Olive's father in the morning of 26th of November.
We had anticipated a lot for this wedding, but the suitcase full of clothes and the box full of jewelries couldn't promise a bright wedding we would get to see. We went to Mumbai for some other purpose, to get Olive and Brother married, but instead we saw the dead body sprinkled with holy water, flowers, soil and buried. The funeral did we see.
The days which were supposed to be filled with happiness and tears of joy turned into those with tears of sorrow instead. Sometimes when I keep quiet, sitting in a corner, I realise how tough life is, how tough it is to bid goodbye. And as I had mentioned earlier, everything is fine, but what hurts the most is that we don't get a chance to bid goodbye. Life, occurences are so unpredictable. Joy and sorrow is so unpredictable. Every single moment is so unpredictable. The more you want to run after knowing what will happen next, the more would you be frustrated with the results. Age, time, circumstances snatch away treasures from your life. Call it disappointment, call it cruel- it has to be dealt with.
This is life. And it goes on.
Leaving behind a marriage ceremony which couldn't be completed, I hope they are successful in getting married soon.
May uncle's soul rest in peace. Amen.
For the person I believed I was falling for, turned out to be another thorn in my life. For the person I thought I could believe in happiness again, turned out to be searching for his own.
I do not know why I have this obsessive compulsion of helping anyone in distress. Right now, I am doing my friend's residence design for free, have been working on it since the last six months, I try to complete my tasks in time so that I will be there in case my friends need me, only to be hurt in the end. Why can't I say NO? Just how difficult is it? I never said no, to anyone. I never expressed my opinion, because I never considered myself to be a part of their life. I never thought of myself as being equal to anyone. And even when I knew whatever was happening was insensitive, I chose to stay quiet. And that night, a few days back, when suddenly I received a message from him, he needed help, and no matter how much I hated the subject, I just could not say no. I can never say no.
I spent nine hours, waking up all night till 6 in the morning to complete 23 pages of his assignment only to be mocked up in front of his classmates, and as if it wasn't much, I went downstairs to talk to my friends when one of them asked me, "Why did you complete his assignment? Why so kind towards everybody?"
And just when I was struggling for an answer, she asked, "Did he ask you too, for a date?" That hit me pretty hard. That just made me realise I was being fooled. I was innocent, naive, and docile, insecure and he took it as an advantage. That was when I realised all the things that were ever between us was actually fake. That I was just another nobody in his life.
I later cried. A lot, only to pull myself up later on.
I asked myself, "Someone stayed with me for 8 long years. Nobody jokes for almost a decade if he isn't sure. Still could I hold him back? Knowing what was there between us was so fresh and true and pure? I met him, the physical touch, the connection, the kisses, the hugs and the intellectual discussions and leg pullings- they all were real! Then how could I believe I was being loved by a person who never for once wanted to meet me? We never met, never talked, even over the phone, he barely knew me, I barely knew him, he never told me anything deep about his emotions, life, feelings... where was the connect? Just because of few month long late night-early morning conversations which helped me try to pull myself together and recover from the darkness I found around me, and his flirts and numerous tries I went on to forget what it was for this long? You cannot know a person completely. For me, even 8 years wasn't enough. A person evolves, every second. Change is the biggest constant and that is the reality of life. If 8 years couldn't hold someone back in my life, how could I trust a person I never got to know?"
Perhaps it wasn't love but the mere feeling of falling in love. The mere feeling of fluttering butterflies in your stomach, of having a crush, having someone to look at- that made me fall for him. Maybe I wanted to search for the missing love and emotional support in him, which had now disappeared. Maybe I was not confident about being sufficient enough to live happily, alone. Maybe I was trying to replace someone's memories, not realising what it would lead me to.
"They don't love 'love'- love is sacrificial, love is ferocious, its not emotive. Our culture doesn't love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it."
And that is why, the sad state of today's hook-up generation scares me away. Scares the meagre feeling of falling in love and loving unconditionally today because in the end it is the unconditional love who has to suffer, while the other one walks away, fades into eternity.
For deep inside the strong walls she built around her tiny self, which could not be broken, there was the shy, dependent girl who needed love and care.~
Half a year has passed, and you have seen me changing from a clumsy little girl to a thoughtful soul, thanks to whatever has happened which has made me stronger. Nothing is easy in this life- not love, not work, not career not even life. It isn't all about chasing, and the mere understanding that the future is best unknown to us right now is what makes it interesting.
Every person you meet is never a coincidence. Every meeting, every urge to talk and know has a reason behind it, and everything happens for a reason, and every person who crossed paths with me taught me something I never knew, taught me that even when the preacher has long left your life, you continue to learn. There is just no end to it, just like a continuous loop.
What I have not failed to notice is the fact that a time comes in every person's life when he reaches the lowest point of his life, and at one point, doesn't want to believe that the end of something has come, that it will no longer be a part of your life and that it will all be different. He refuses to accept the situation and tends to jump down into the darkness. Acceptance is difficult, but it needs a lot of courage. And when he finally gathers enough, he is pulled down further and farther away, till the time the person stands up straight and stops giving importance to issues and learns to fight. The past 6 months taught me what it was to be abandoned, rejected, lonely, liked by someone, rejected again, molested, misunderstood, cared for and loved by someone else who in turn couldn't be loved by me because I already wasted my love on people who weren't ready to accept me.
I have given up, but then I have to go on, life never stands still. Of course, there will always be the part of my heart which will ache, but I have accepted pain to be a part of my life.
As someone told me, "Change is a part of life, nothing remains constant." That is it. That is the new motto I learnt. Give what you receive, and never attach yourself too much to anyone.
Sometimes, life is bitter, but if you can live through the pain in the darkest hours of night alone, you are brave enough to fight it, you are brave enough to live.
"I buried him. I had a funeral for him in my soul. It was quite lovely.
I had to- It was a matter of life and death, his or mine,
and I decided, I wanted to live."
5 long months. The clock ticks, and time just passes. You never get to realise how that actually happens, as it just seems yesterday when my life turned topsiturvy. After going through a mild rejection after the greatest heartbreak of all times did I realise the importance of loving my own self, more than anyone else.
Remember lady, you are your own happiness. Don't expect someone else to love you if you can't do it to yourself.
Sometimes I feel there is something that diverts the path of happiness from my life- the sudden abandonment, the denial for long months, meeting someone else, the sudden closeness even when we never met, getting struck in a loveless relationship, and the sudden realisation when he says
"I am not able to commit, since I am too busy with my studies. Problem is not liking, but rather my time."
and on top of all, getting sexually harassed at college and being left with nobody to support me. It took me a lot of days to come out of it and be finally able to write it up. My mind is still jumbled and scared. But lets leave it for some other day.
Talking about the relation,
I have never told anyone, never shed a tear regarding this, since I knew this was coming. If a man who had been there with me for 8 years could not accept me, how could I trust someone I never met in person? But, to tell you the truth Zoe, it did hurt me, hurt me real bad, like a dagger into my soul. I am amused, since I am fascinated by the fact that a person could hold so much value in my heart even when I never met him, and rarely heard his voice. Oh! What a soft silly heart do I have?
I am a commitment phobic demisexual sapiosexual person who rarely falls in love. I never plead anyone to make me a part of my life, and to stay there, but then why do people themselves enter my life and then leave all of a sudden? Why am I finally begging to be noticed, at least to you?
He is pistanthrophobic, owing to being cheated twice. I understand, but were my experiences not bad enough? Why am I the only one who has to endlessly wait for everything, every damn time? All the while I waited, only to receive this.
The problem isn't falling in love. The problem is working your ass off on it single handedly only to be betrayed unexpectedly and be left with nothing but a thousand questions and memories and hurt.
I am scared Zoe.
These 5 months changed a lot in me. To the outside world I changed from a shy meek, workaholic girl loyal to her fiance, with a weak heart, unsure about everything to a hotter, wilder, confident lady who was mature enough but at the same time ready to rock the party with whiskey bottle in her hand, ready to face any challenge. No one cared to see the hurt inside her, for the lucrative package is what attracts eyes. More so because I find it difficult to express my pain anymore. I tend to avoid long, serious conversations which would lead me to open my heart. Zoe, now that I am with you, I feel like telling you about every single detail of how my life had been through, this month, but my internet is not working and I might not be able to post it tonight. Also, I am half asleep. I shall save the text and post later though.
The abrupt ending was totally uncalled for, but I shall get back to you soon.
**We are too much into chasing our future.**
Let me tell you two stories.
My brother is a person who does not have his life sorted out. He does not have any plans and tends to dwell in the moment that he finds. I have never seen him pursuing anything. He gladly accepts whatever comes in his path, and never for a moment is he affected by the same. Coming from a traumatic background, with a lost childhood, it is quite unusual for a man with such situation to remain aimless, not knowing where life leads, but smiles and succeeds nevertheless. He fell in love 8 years ago with a Christian girl, and never thought of ‘what if we don’t end up together?’ or ‘will we get married ever?’ scenarios.
I, on the other hand, am a person who loves to have things sorted out in life. A sorted future, a sorted career, a sorted monetary stability. Since childhood, I had always dreamt- of getting high marks in 12th, of getting into medical school, of living in a big house, of a future with a loved one, of a not-so-grand wedding, healthy parents always by my side. Astrology suggested I will become a doctor, and being a bright student, I always believed it. As I grew up, I realized life is where situations lead it to, and sometimes, it is not at all in our control. I did not fare well in 12th. I did not get into medical. My parents are not all hale and hearty. I fell in love with a man who was from the same religion, caste and had the same interests, so as to keep matters at home sorted out. I had my future decided with the blessings of both sides, but after the same duration of time as that of my brother, had to part ways due to circumstances that never found a solution.
I often wonder how life would have been, if I hadn’t planned it this much?
Seldom does life listen to your wish. Your wishes and aspirations just increase your expectations from the world a lot more than it should. Hopes and aspirations are fine till the point they send out positive vibes inside, and not when the disappointment of not achieving what you intended to, chokes your throat.
What I have realized now is that life is too short to plan, and there’s no use of the same. Why not enjoy the present rather than planning something we aren’t even sure about? At restaurants, while spending few bucks, we keep on worrying about how the expenditures would be managed tomorrow. The next day, the same cycle, but we spend again. Sometimes, it is just the fact that we have a tendency of worrying, out of which we keep on doing so. Nothing will happen if we do not worry, but we will do it. Still. Even now. Wait. *Did I close my door?*
Aspirations which let us down often finds us dwelling in an infinite loop in the past, with a lot of repentance, as to how it would have been if we could rewind the few moments which led to the ultimate catastrophe.
The other issue which leads to the ultimate failure and agony is the fact that the generation of today doesn’t try enough. Everyone faces problems in their lives, big or small. The problem today is that we tend to ignore it and walk away rather than sitting and trying to solve the missing puzzles of life.
**We give up easily- on people, on hopes, aspirations, love. **
Everything has a solution to it, provided, the person is willing to solve it.
Do you know why I do not believe in love? That is because I never felt it.
I never felt what it was like to be truly loved by someone, to be cared for, to be happy. All my life, I had been the one who handled it, after the other one wished to start.
Love shouldn't be this difficult. Love is something you don't chase, it's a place where you do not have to seek attention, it just comes along. I never felt it. How am I supposed to know?
If you ask me what is love, I would tell you, "it is me being approached by a cute puppy with bright lit eyes craving for a piece of my heart, and when I finally give it to him, he turns his back, fixing his own broken heart with my piece, and walking away, and everytime you chase it, it poops on your face. Ocassionally it may turn its face to you and bark out of love, but then it would poop on your face again, and when it occassionally it looks towards you to bark, you feel so great that you are ready to be pooped for over a thousand times to hear the bark again. Until one day the puppy disappears.
I crave for care, for touch, and yet I flinch whenever someone gets that close to me. And when I give in, that person walks away. Every fucking time.
Modern generation has lost it all. I have never really understood the concept of this kind of love where you like someone, chase her, make her come close to you and keep on chasing her till the time she reciprocates, and when she does, you back off because you do not wish to commit.
All my life, I have been through this. And everytime I felt I could trust again, I was proven wrong, and everytime I cried. I almost feel as if I am stuck in a loop of never ending depression and am not able to come out of it. Sometimes I just want to end it all.
When I felt I could trust someone again, I realised it perhaps was just a momentary attraction which must have faded by now and I might just be an irritating element to his life.
I wish to die.
And one day, you get used to the fact that you are just an ordinary being with nothing special. It was just the love you had in your life which made you feel special. Life is not about chasing the love of your life. Sometimes, it is too unpredictable. You might also end up being a person who will never feel love ever again.
Its a harsh world. Welcome here.
Life is so unpredictable that you never realise when the surroundings change you. By now, he is over me. But where he is, I still do not know. Perhaps I will never talk about it again. Sometimes, what seems to be the right thing to do is also the hardest thing you have ever done in your life.
Perhaps he will always remain somewhere deep down in my memories, and from time to time, I shall bury him deep down in my hear, and sometimes, he shall wake up and ask me to clean up the layers of dust over him. Yes, it might happen. One day we might again cross paths, and be great friends, discussing about our life, and make fun of each other's better halves.
It is hard. Now that I have decided to be independent, I no longer show up my emotions. To the outside, I am fire, but inside, a small vulnerable kid who refuses to accept the reality. Life is awkward.
Sorry to him, sorry to everyone.
No problem exists which doesn't have a solution to it. Life is just a tough maths question. It could have worked out, we just lost hope too soon. But, enough of that. We tried hard enough.
"In the end, all of life is nothing but an act of letting go, but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye." These lines from Life of Pi hits hard.
Another month passes by, just like the others, and at this moment, I am torn. I am having to choose between a new life or the old wait, and what hurts me the most is that I get no sign of him. I feel cheated, I feel dishonored, stripped off my respect. During some days, I crave for attention, crave for love. But my timidness and the fear that has built up inside me does not allow me to let anyone come near. Today, I am in the middle- to hold on or to let go. And whenever happiness knocks my door, I am afraid to answer. I at times feel that I have built up a shell around me, and allow no one to penetrate through it.
It's been a month since I am talking to someone, but then every attention I give to him feels negative. Every closeness feels morally wrong. I keep on feeling that I am hurting the past, and that this was not meant to be, and above all, I keep on comparing him to this someone, whose few questions make me ponder about my own choices.
"Just because of one failed relationship, would you always shoo away love when it knocks your door?"
"You will marry a person you don't like so that you don't have to go through heartbreaks? Is that not a waste of life?"
"It is not the years that count, but the connection. You never like the qualities or the qualifications, but it is the connection you feel that brings you closer."
I know Zoe, but a part of me still misses him and craves for one sign of him. He has isolated himself from everywhere. And it hurts me the most. I am in a situation where I can't go back to the past life, or can't look forward to the present. I do not blame him. Honestly at least he tried, I on the other hand never took his name again. Zoe, does that mean he never loved me? No. He loved me and cared for me with all his heart. At times, situations are terrible. And during those times we do not have any other option. Few who can stick together are mighty enough to face the storm, but I tried. Sometimes, people just choose the easier path. That never means love never existed. It did. I respect him a lot. But I don't wish to lose a great person just because of a silly heartbreak. Please, ask God to give this little woman some peace. She is in a terrible state. She hasn't laughed, or smiled for so long, now she barely remembers how to.
Those fresh words by that someone fills me up with positivity. This slow story seems wonderful, full of excitement and happiness. But Zoe, I am still novice. I do not know the ways of the world. Each time I talk to him, I am hurt. I keep on pondering whether I am using the correct words or not, whether it would have a negative effect or a positive one... and so on. I had hidden this information from everyone fearing judgemental faces, but to my utter amusement, everyone encourages me to look forward. Zoe, I do not know what I am doing to my life, or whether I am taking the correct step or not, but I just hope everything is fine at the end. I might regret telling this to you, but I feel I am beginning to like him. But things aren't fine. I do not have the courage to restart from day 1 and relive all the memories which were once meant to be his. I remember his each and every words. I remember everything. It is not easy to get over, no amount of love or respect will make me forget the past ever, and he will always occupy a major part of my heart, it seems.
Results are out today. I did well in all subjects, except history.
"Sometimes, an incident suddenly leaves a scar in your life.
Time may heal the pain, but scars remain. And that scar changes how you look towards your life."
I woke up to the news of a death.
Two days back, while playing in the swing, I reflected upon my past with him. I told Alisha how he had seen so many deaths and losses in life, that by now he had grown quite indifferent. While coming back home that night, she kept on pondering over it and thought, "I am so lucky I did not have to go through what he felt. I lost no dear ones. I never had to feel the pain." And it was the same fateful night that her friend's brother died.
Life and death are so unpredictable.
You have everything in one moment, everything is snatched away the very next moment. Sometimes, you love a person so much that you center him around your life, and then suddenly the person goes away somewhere- at one place where you can never reach out. He may have died, or he may have left you- and you just sit alone and witness the horror it can create.
A part of you remains numb, as if a huge chunk has been stolen out from you. Somewhere I read, emotional pain is as strong as a physical pain, and that is why we are hurt. Sometimes they heal, sometimes, they don't.
Life is so uncertain. You never realise when you fall in love with a person, and the person who means the world to you goes away from your life, forever. Denial is a way to cope it up, until realisation strikes.
Some new person comes in your life, to try to fill the gap. You feel momentary happiness but sometimes, the truth is that you just try to fill in the void inside you. One can never replace memories, one can just create some new ones to cherish.
One person leaves, but life for everyone else, goes on.
Sometimes this one change breaks you apart to the extent that you can barely feel stability. Sometimes, it makes you stronger. Sometimes, you.. you just don't know what to do.
Had it not been for you Zoe, I would have no one to talk to.
I cannot feel anyhing. I am numb.
I do not know Zoe, what is it I would like to listen to? I want to cry to the walls, but would they listen?
As I look back my previous entries, I realise I had been through this once, during the exact same time with each of the same occurences. That was enough to make me feel traumatised. Can I go through these once again? I doubt Zoe. I had suffered too much. And at this point, I cannot go through this again, nor can I live without him. Then what is it that I should do? The answer is- I DO NOT KNOW.
I am stubborn Zoe. And that is what scares me. He might be over me by now.
When I read over the old entries, I realise I am back to square one- on the same page.. where I just wish everything happens like it did, in the past. Each and everything is a deja-vu. And I hate to realise that.
I do not know what I want. I do not want to linger on, nor do I want to move on. Whenever I am on the verge of crying, I share it with my friends, who ask me to forget the past. I hate them then. What else, Zoe do I expect them to say? I know what they are saying is absolutely right, but why do I still want to make up for the past? I have begun to find no meaning in life. I have begun to hate everyone- my friends, my family, him, his parents.. mostly my relationship with mom has become rocky. She ditched me Zoe. She had promised she would help me. She never understood my pain. I am 21 Zoe. I am not silly when it comes to emotions. I can fall in love, I can have tiffs, but is that a reason why she will walk away without helping? All my life, I haven't asked for anything from her- no dresses, no food, no amount of worldly belongings to please me, and when time came, I asked her, "Mother, can you solve this issue I am having with my loved one?"
Mother took time to understand, realised I had grown up. She told me, "Let exams pass by. I would talk. I would ask him did these long years not matter at all? If he had the courage to love you, why not the courage to fight for it?"
But when my exams ended, all was forgotten. I can't shed a tear. I can't sleep, or eat. I have grown pale and thin to the extent people pass comments.
I keep on hoping Zoe. False hopes. False thoughts. False methods of calming myself. I read the Alchemist, where it said, "if it happens once, it isn't necessary that it would happen again. But if something happens twice, there definitely would be a third time."
Yes, I think over the bright side. If he returned twice, he would definitely return for the third time. But do not I overlook the fact that he left me twice too? Infact, thrice? Who would guarantee there wouldn't be a fourth time if ever he is back?
I am a simple girl, Zoe. I do not understand maturity, equality, compatibility, seduction, or anything. To me, love is love. Pure. And that is powerful enough to sustain. In all these years, I never fell out of it. Why him?
I do not understand anything.
I have much to share, but rest later.
"Months pass by, your lock screen still is present on my phone.
It has been long since you went away, but I still see pictures of us smiling at my gallery. Everyday is a pain, your memories are, but I never cease to check your photograph each day... as if it is my duty."
Ask God to take me away to a better place where I find happiness. This dull person is of no use. As I read my previous entries, I believe time passes so soon. Perhaps three months later I will come back to read this one, and realize my life still remains on the standstill as it was, 6 months back. My face is pale, smile absent. Tears cease to flow down- drought has stopped them too. There is an immense pain inside me which I can not ignore, yet no one to talk to. So much time has passed, that even I am tired of memories. Time flies, life goes on, but what refuses to refresh itself are the memories that haunt. So much have I tried to click on the delete button- yet everyday I go through the pics, of me and him, smiling and making crazy faces, him holding me tight in his arms: were they all a lie? Were these 8 years a lie?
In these two months, I have been trying to rediscover the lost pieces of my life all by myself, without taking anyone's help. I now dress up, I read novels, I write a lot, I restarted my lost love for sketching, and even started binge watching TV Shows. I even visited Shimla where Rupam taught me photography, which I kept on practicing throughout the journey. Of late, I have started being social everywhere. What caused these sudden activities? To the world, I say I am strong. So what if he is gone? He was a part of my life, but he wasn't my life. But no matter how much I try to hide the fact, and show the world that I can do without him, deep inside me, I can't lie to my own heart. I know it is all a distraction to keep me away from my thoughts. What were promises and compromises for, if they weren't mean to be forever? I feel jealous when I see how happy everything is around me- the bed, has no complaints. The walls, though they witness my pain, have suffered none whatsoever. The flowers rejoice when they unite with each other. Being immobile they cannot even run away from each other, no matter how much angry they are, they never forget their roots.
"Compatibility, Compromises, Acceptance, are secondary aspects. The primary reason to continue a relationship is because of the mutual love we have for each other."
The thoughts are too painful. The showering of love by him was the only thing I cherished. And now when it dawns upon me that I may never hear from him again, I am filled with agony. Zoe, there is no one to help me. Not a soul. The only person who can get me out of the situation is me, myself. But that is something I will never do perhaps. Thoughts about him gets me depressed to the core, but if I ask myself, am I ready to get over? No Zoe, not at all. What is it that still keeps me alive? It is my fear of death. And a faint hope that one day everything will be back on track. It seems, I myself am building a nest of lies around my heart and lying to it to keep it satisfied. But my heart is not a fool, it overhears. It cries. It wants to shout and wail but it is dead inside.
The Alchemist is full of inspiration, one where it says, “Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”
The other one says, “When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person realise his dream.”
These, always link to the changed situation in my life. But after all, it is a philosophical book. Does it hold guarantee? No. No one can take guarantee of what is happening in one's life and what the future would be like. I feel deprived. I feel deprived like the young Binodini in Chokher bali- all along denied love and happiness in spite of being good natured and kind at heart. I am sick and tired of all the lies Zoe. No one is by my side. What is the use of thislife?
My mother, on whom I trustedso much, has now turnedher back towards me. She most probably wouldn't talk.
I am too devastated to continue.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.