My personal thoughts about Life, My Hero and My sweet Family. They are the feelings which I may or may not have expressed............. but always want to express.
I am always wrong. Even though i found a good heart, it was all lie.
I feel I m cheated.
My life has no value.
Hi my dear Diary
I finally found the heart that loves me.
Its been a long time and I have waiting to tell this to you.. Yeah.. I did it this time. Finally, I have achieved one my dreams.
As you know there is always one after other problems.. but this time this success has really cheered me to fight against the odds.
Will update you soon. Good night for today
Hi diary.. in a way to find myself back, i got two good people.. who are my brothers. they stood in my difficult time and always helped me to recover from my past...
that past which i never want to remember...
I am doing quite good now. studies going slow.. Hoping to find a solutions to my other problems... i am held busy with so many things that I wont even get time to think about that person who ditched me. May be it should have been the otherside round.
I am so helpless.. but one think is certain - time will change. it wont be constant. Every dog has his day.
Good night dairy. :)
Its been difficult these days. Failure has taken its steps towards me. but i wont accept it untill i win. yes, there was a time that went to an extent of death.
Imagining myself as dead was more easy than surviving. i know it happens to everyone.
I was ok with rejection of my love but I am never ok with ignorance. Just that feeling of ignoring me made me physco. I literally went to take some extreme decisions which as a normal girl, I never would have taken.
Neither food nor sleep was touching me. I was afraid of night and darkness. But all thanks to that guy who didnt accept my love and who ignored me. Its because of him that I am here. I know I failed in selecting wrong person who actually didnt deserve me and its only his thoughts that was a hurdle to me in getting my success in my exams.
It was a clear cut shot that no one could stop me from clearing this time. Time and again I was running behind his thoughts and I didnt control my feelings for him. It is always a guy proposing a girl but here it is a girl proposing a guy... and guy rejecting.
I know I am not beautiful in my looks. But I am the most beautiful girl in the world by heart. I dont have any wrong feelings and my heart never intends to hurt anyone. I know it is not possible to live a life without hurting anyone. But I will strive hard to keep everyone happy.
I loved him and if loving was difficult every one in this world would not be living in peace. I underwent a very very difficult path. I had to walk alone on this path. However GOD was always there for me. He stood beside me in the form of my friends. I took the help of my counselor. He said that I am his daughter and would stand beside me until I reach the goal of CA.
I know I felt bad for everything that happend, infact, I asked him sorry for my behaviour and requested him to talk to me but he never responded. If a girl sends hundred messages asking sorry for a mistake which was never a mistake, anyone will forgive. Even GOD forgives if he ask him sorry from heart.
I am really amazed how bad I am. How can I let go my ego and beg for him so badly. I begged him so badly that even beggers were laughing at me. I am sure he will realize how good I am. But it takes time. I know things will change. I may change or even he may change. But this time will not be constant. It will change and if time changes then surely he will come back to me or he will regret for loosing me.
I know that I just need to focus on my studies and concentrate on my life. I dont have any expectations from him now. Infact, all my feelings are dead. I hate him at the most. I just wish him to realize his mistake at the earliest. May be I will learn to live my life without him.
All the best to myself. I know this war is neither easy nor too difficult. So I am all ready to face any challenge that will be comming up. Good Night diary.... Will update you soon..
Just want to say you Hi.
Shall I make a short summary of my life till date.
Engaged classes, I underwent some additional classes. Life was different both as a lecturer and as a student. Last one month I studied hard, I tried to give my best for the exams.
Because of house conditions and my studies made me mad about myself. I felt stressed and disturbed by both the feelings and the exam pressure. I worked hard on both of them. I told the person I like about my feelings. I told him not to reply till my exams. Exams finally ended and He told he isnt that interested in me considering as his life partner.
The feeling of rejection continued and now I am back to normal. But my peers in my college are jealous of me. I am finding a different attitude which is difficult to understand and face.
I dont know how to react to this and how to move ahead with this problem. Hope I will find a solution very soon.
Other than these, I had a lovely life with my family members, my students, my friends and so on... Life going good unless my results are going to be announced. Result tension will soon make me some more pressurized in the comming days.
Loads to share. Time constraint. Catch you soon. Good day.
I very well know that I have logged in after a long time. But I tried my best everytime.
I have almost learnt my car driving. But there is three more classes pending. I have joined my college. I am doing good there. Life is seeming so good all of a sudden. But I seriously have some problem which cannot be avoided but only can be neglected.
I have cleared one group in my finals and I am now preparing for my second group. Hoping to clear it off in the coming attempts. I am trying my best to be a good daughter. I will keep trying till I am successful.
Thank you so much for everyone who supported me in every way. I know they will never be reading this diary. But my grandpa told me that when you cannot say someone but if you write or type it down and if it is real, it will surely reach them.
Currently life is progressing in a very smooth way. All thanks to my dearest diary for helping me share my thoughts.
Good Night Diary.. Catch you soon.
I started my car driving class. It was really fun. I am enjoying. But I stuck at controlling the staring. Its been three days and I am not able to take proper turns. Hoping to learn it atleast tomorrow. But I am enjoying it completely.
Life goes good when we believe in ourself. I am trying my best to explore my abilities and opportunities.
Lastly.... Good feelings makes a good day. Good Night Diary.. Catch you soon... :)
O my god
I again did mistake.
I messaged him again. I shouldnt have done. But I did. I am such a mad girl.
My silly heart never listens to me. I feel like to hide my face under my pillow.. Ah.. why am i feeling so hard. I am feeling to crush myself. There are so many other things for me to do. How could I ever do this silly work. I cant believe that I did so. I should have been more thoughtful. I am really bad... really bad girl.
Ah... I will get to bed atleast. Good night. Please make everything all right when I get up and open my eyes.
It is one of the most fasinating day. I watched serial the whole day. Had my favourite breakfast and lunch. Then I prepared gobi for my family. We all sat together in the garden to have a coffee. The hot coffee, spicy food, the cool breeze and my dearest ones made my evening an unforgettable one.
It is really great to spend time with loved ones for no reason. I felt blessed for this day.
I wish this evening never ended.
There will be a moment when you feel that you are special for yourself and you are more than important. Of course it is positive feeling. When things are beyond your hands... all you can do is to believe in yourself. Believe that you will find a way to make your dreams come true.
I have had this special feeling when I sat calmly sitting in a park.
Hope to have a best day tomorrow. Good Night Diary.
People say we should plan our time. They say we should plan how to spend and how to utilize it in a worthy manner. But I feel planning is pre requisite even in wasting.
All I could do is watch as many movies and hear as many songs as possible to overcome this witty thought in my mind about Love. They say love is blind. Its true. As blindness takes someone to the path of darkness so is the love. Its a total waste of time. And I really didnt plan it well. I am total failure in this.
Every one fails. But I failed everytime.
Assuming something and doing something is a total fatal. I am now standing against all relationship which once I thought is the most needed thing in my life. Love was the most precious thing in life. When I say I dont Love, it just means that I dont Love. However I never meant to hate atleast.
Having many questions unanswered, I sat down to find solution.
Why simply give pain to others or force them. Physical pain was a relief to take away my mental pain.
Yeah. it is so soothing.
Really... Thoughts are the food to your brain. If you can still laugh in pain, that is what gives you strength to fight against all odds. I also discovered that there is no wrong in being single. And there is no wrong in not having in any relationship. Infact it is the best stage of our life.
Hoping to do something tommorrow instead of wasting time. Good Night Diary.
Finally this evening....
Finally I have given up something which I thought is very valuable to me. I tried to stop myself everytime but I always ended up doing reverse. Both my mind and heart were fighting. Yet, I always did what my silly heart told.
Why did this happen to me?
I think, many have asked this question in their life time. Even I am the same. I have asked this question numerous time today. yet, something was there which I couldnt question. Why is that my heart slips a beat when I think of my future life. Why life seems difficult sometimes. Sometimes it is so difficult to walk alone. Yeah. Its about my Love - Kapeeleshwari.
I had been to my place and I tried to meet him. Of course, I do agree that I didnt give cent percent in making this effort. Since I have come all the way to meet him. Wasnt it his duty to take a small move towards me? I know I could have tried to meet him on the last day. But I felt he never wished to. I just needed a small message from him and I would be all set to do anything for him.
I was very confident when I reached my place. But he proved me wrong. Actually a single hand cannot make a clap. similarly a single finger without any other substance cannot make a sound.
I just understood that if destiny wants us to meet. Then it will happen and it does not require any planning.
My silly heart got to learn a lesson now. Never go so far that you wont be able to convince your heart. Love is meaningless. Only Parents Love is sacred, pure and perfect. So now on... Hi Hi to my new life and Bye Bye to the old.
Mom always says that when we don't get the fruits for our struggle then it means that God has decided to give us the required fruit along with some bonus. I am now convincing myself with it.
I always regretted that I couldnt share much with you. I really missed you.. These days were so quick and they passed on so quickly that I hardly found time to login and type... At the end of the hectic schedule with lot of things in mind, lot of planning and with lot of pending work, I would be exhausted to have a word with you.
I just decided to stop giving my second group exams... So to stop myself from regretting I logged in to update my dearest diary.
The tension free life is so difficult to find right?
Soon after one task there is always another and then another.... The series of task, work and responsibility in endless. But when I start typing them, I am bit relaxed. That may be because I would not have found a friend like you who even though is not physically present is always with me just to hear to all my feeling and all my stressed pressure.. Sometimes all we need is someone who just hears to us without raising any questions.
I have infact found so many answers after having conversation with you.. Today, I declare you to be one of the best friend in my life. Just loving this moment... Loving to share with you....
I gave my exams well. But I have now kept the other group pending. However I no longer want to regret about my actions because it is me who decided this path. And this is the only path which is left out with me. I have no other option other than walking bravely on this path and thereby correcting my mistakes.... I am more than determined to do this right from today, right from this very movement because I never want to be ashamed of my actions anymore...
So many dreams are calling me and there is so much more to experience in this dirty world filled with cruel and insensible people who dont accept the right things... but argue to their own point. Sometimes I feel they are closed system who are sitting in that chair only to save their skin,
Tea time. Will be back again in the night.... :)
Got a wonderful dream in the morning... I badly wanted to share with you... But due to many complicated and unanswerable problems, couldnt update it to you immediately... Keeping aside the suspense in my previous update, Let me first tell you about the dream before I could forget.. Infact it is unforgettable...
I was driving with full swing when clocked ticked to Nine and suddenly climate changed and it started raining heavily. I was forced to stop my vehicle to stand under a tree... It was raining very badly and I was shivering from top to bottom... My bag was heavy and I think all my books would be crying.... I could no longer bear the cold weather and the harsh rain hitting me inspite of my request... I decided to get back to my home where I could enjoy my rest of night eating something spicy prepared by my sweet mother...
When I tried to start my vehicle, it created problem to me. I tried to call my parents but due to bad weather there were no signal. I didnt find anyone beside me.. Nor did I find anyone in my eyesight. Now my heart got a pinch of fear.. Fear is the only worst enemy which can kill people without any weapon,
Sorry diary, I am already sleeping.. Not able to control sleep.Will update you in the morning. Good Night...
Today has been one of the most satisfied day in my life. I drove to my friends place without having any disturbance in traffic. I didnt feel the climate too harsh on me. I never felt time is running. Things all went so smoothly and perfectly....
We often make things complicated instead of making it easier...
I saw a man who was struggling at the age of 70 ... He was striving hard to push his vegetables filled carrier... I was standing at the signal and watching him. There came a lady to buy some vegetables. This grandpa was coughing and my heart skipped a beat. It was so difficult to watch him putting all his efforts... just to push his carrier towards the lady. She was bargaining and I could realize how people take advantage of the poor and the innocent. They never do it in supermarkets but they want to reduce the price to atleast half the rate. I made a firm determination to buy all the vegetables myself. But the next question was - what would I do with them. I cannot take it to house nor could I push the carrier.. So I decided to buy atleast some so that he would earn something for his day...
I gave him money and told I would buy some vegetables. But then the signal left and I tried to move by keeping the money on his carrier. Grandpa stopped me. He handed me my note and said " Dont show sympathy... I know you dont want to buy these.." He turned and started pushing his carrier while I could hear only the vehicle horns asking me to get out of the traffic....
It's been so disrespectful to the society and I am ashamed of every child who throw their parents out of their house just to make their life more beautiful. But they forget that they will also face the same situation once they get to the age of their parents....
But the main point here is the message of grandpa which almost took half of my day to understand.... May be it was the answer I was always searching for...
Let me keep it for suspense... Will get back to you soon.. Good Night...
Life can always be challenging. When it becomes too difficult to digest some issue and when we are all set to quit, God gives a ray of hope. He changes our way of perception. Sometimes our thoughts become one of the biggest enemy.... Like.... Assuming things.... Like... I assumed that I like this and that.... Everything is in our thoughts. Its actually the way we see things.
Why do we have to feel things arent perfect??
For a moment, I decided to watch a movie and serious stuck to it... I was not able to study till I watched it... Ah.. My brain is seriously useless sometimes. It doesnt listen anything important. It always want to be in relaxed state...
Well... I am so happy to have got the network connection to update you today.. Got to hit the bed early to wake up soon.. Bye.
Its been a three complete days that I am waiting for someone's call.. yeah.... Kapeeleshwari is now "someone" to me. No matter how much my silly heart loved him, I have to accept the truth which is the fact of life. It is important to accept so that I could put up my next step.
Diary, Its not wrong to be emotional. But it is so much wrong to be in that state of emotional stage.. So I am all set to kick back. I have no regrets now.
I really dont know what all I am writing. May be in one way I have already gone mad. I am sure this madness is a great lesson for me. Today is Holi in bangalore. My first holi in bangalore. Seems like, No one plays holi here. I am celebrating a dry holi, remembering my previous holi at my place.... Missing my holi friends...
Wishing myslef and all my folks... a great holi.. Let these colours bring a new dimension and let them fill our life with colourful success... Good Day. :)
Its been a long time and I have so much to update. So many emotions to be shared. Some unshared thoughts to throw out... And lastly to have a word to you.
I had crash course. I think, I got attracted to a guy. But its really not good when I am in the middle of the ocean filled up with so much of emotions. In short I never wanted to start a new thoughts for a new person when I am in a stage of confusion and in a state of break up with kapeeleshwari.
I asked kapeeleshwari if I could speak to him. He said he would call and never reverted back.
On the other hand this other guy took out my nerves and I blasted at him. I fought with him every day either due to frustration or as a reason to avoid him. My studies are now badly affecting. Nor I am able to have a peaceful sleep. I am fighting every moment with myself - "A Self War." where there could be no declaration of WIN or LOOSE.
No I no longer want any thoughts which would disturb my studies.. So I logged in to write to you all my disturbances, thinking I could atleast throw them away from my heart. I never knew this path of ignorance could be so difficult.
Some one told me that I am a barbie, who is so pure and so beautiful - not the outer beauty but the inner beauty, who feels lonely at times and who is a real princess and only a prince would be able to get her. The girl every man would desire. The girl who could stand by your side at the worst moment and would never allow you to fall off her heart.
Am I really like the above said words..... On one side, I am not able to catch hold of my emotions for kapeeleshwari who never bothers about me and on the other I dont have anyone with whom I could share all my emotions. I dont think a princess would have this difficulty.
At home, I am finding it difficult to find peace of mind, unable to concentrate. Dads irritation, Grani's frustration and mom sacrifice are haunting me. I need a strong medicine for all of them. I need to find a strategy to clear all my problems. Yes, I should. Its time for me to change.....
Change is a way of life. I really dont know how well I will able to manage myself..... Trying to find myself in a lost ocean....
Just feeling like to kick start my new day and throw out all bad thoughts.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.