Diary of A Patrician, Excerpts from her life.
24 years old, Female, StoryBrooke
I sit on my favourite couch and listen to the ambient noises around me. There's people walking, their shoes shuffling on the floor, children running about, some crying, some chattering. The sound of rain pouring down on the roof, the tapping of keys as I write this down.
Yet, the only sound consistently ringing through my head is the melody of his music. The strumming of his guitar as he puts me to sleep. The softness in his words as I adjust my earphones.
I can feel it happening. The winds are changing, the air feels different, there's a sense of calm deep inside. This is a huge turnover from the usual restlessness I feel every single day. I've barely slept in the past week but those few hours of deep sleep that I've fallen into while listening to his voice have been the most peaceful ever. He brings about a good vibe, a feel of optimism, of happiness.
Much, too much. Much,too soon.
I realised I'd been holding myself in. I also realised I'd kept my walls up, barricaded my heart inside and tossed the key into the sea. Now, enter this miraculous guy, with his deep eyes and a voice which could make you feel emotions so intense, you'd cry. He finds the key from the depths of the sea, unlocks my freaking cage and frees my heart, only to steal it and keep it with him. All within a span of a week.
^ Slow claps to the young man for achieving such a feat, slow claps to this foolish woman for falling in love again ^
He will be the death of me, I tell you. I'm not used to this. This nurturing, this loving, these midnight conversations, this singing over the screen to watch me sleep, this constant stream of texts. No. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be in a two-way street. Forgotten what it is to wait for a text, to be cheeky intentionally, to watch someone and feel emotions so strong it gave you butterflies in the stomach.
I sit on my favourite couch and listen to the ambient noises around me, only to realise the only noise in my head is this love-storm brewing up between us, interspersed with his melodious song and our voices, drowning each other out, till we can feel our veins embedded with the flow of love.
How can I forget you
The memories come and go
Youre all I've ever wanted
Youre all I've ever known
Can I be happy
Living with your ghost?
The pictures tell the story
I took them off the wall
Its hard enough to get through
I still can feel the fall
Do you even think of me at all?
I could start it over
And find somebody new
A beautiful distraction
Just a hand to hold on to
But if you ask me,
Would that love be true?
No, I want you
Would be closing this diary now. Writing in bless this hot mess now. Ruvi's diary ends here.
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I had a dream today morning. There's so much to spill. Will be back after the appointment.
I just googled the meaning of "Ayaan". It means "god's gift".
Yes indeed, Ayaan was the most precious gift ever.
Amidst all this chaos,all this drama, I forgot the initial aim. In a few days,Ayaan would have completed a month. One month old.
Whenever things went wrong,I remembered you,my child. Asked you to put it all in order,to help us tide over every problem. I prayed for you and to you,every single day. Not a day has passed by when I haven't thought of you. I promised you,you will always be remembered. In me you died,with me you will live. Ayaan,you were a beautiful part of my life. So beautiful I can't begin to explain. I was thinking about you today...exactly months ago,I had seen you,the tiny black and white version of you on the sonography screen. I saw how u flipped,brought your tiny hands to touch your face and then the radiologist made me listen to your fetal heartbeat.
Could I ever forget those moments?
I had a dream..I wanted you to live.. I wanted you to live on, in spite of what I did. I wanted to see your name every where. Hospitals,clinics,industries,I wanted it all and started working consistently towards it. I was ambitiously determined to to make your name shine. You would have been the shining pride of my life,a piece of my heart. I love you so much, I loved you with every cell of my being,you were the thread binding us together,in your own quiet way.
I'm sorry about a lot of things. My friend tells me to not think of you,tell me to despise you,another tells me that what I did was right,she says what if you turned out to be like your father and tells me to be glad I didnt give up my career and family for you. How do I tell them that one of the prime reasons I wanted to bring you into this world was your father. I had you with the man I loved the most,our blood,I wanted you,us. They dont know how I feel about him,they dont understand my love for him, my constant need to forgive him with unlimited generosity at his atrociousness is supremely stupid.
Ayaan..your name is peaceful. It puts me at ease,makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay. God's gift,Ayaan.
Everything has fallen apart between us,it is broken,messy and heartbreaking. Wherever you are,I hope you are watching over us,my love.
I blocked Ashu,couldn't have him read this,he was prying a lot. I am gonna delete this too. this was my safe haven,one place where I could vent in all anonymity.
I missed you, I had to write this down. You were the love of my life,and he was my life. You're both too far away now,far enough to never come back. All I can hope and pray for is your happiness and peace. Two men of my life,I loved you with all my heart,with all I had. And both of you know that deep down.
Stay blessed,my love.
I've been on terrace all night. Can't seem to get things straight.
Love is bullshit. Really. When I was unknown to it, I wondered about this mysterious,deep feeling. Then I fell in love with him,and now I know what it feels like. It surprised me to see that I could love so unquestionably,unconditionally. That too, love a man who could never love me back.
See, I'm torn apart. Torn between how my heart and mind are fighting over it all. One wants me to listen to my feelings deep,to give chances yet again,to trust that it will work out this time and another,well,that other part of me just wants to hit my head on a stone and open my eyes,make myself see that it defies all practicality,self respect and logic to give him another chance. When it's in his blood to cheat, u think a mere trait called "fidelity" would cleanse up what he has harbored for years now?Nope.
A part of me wants to run to him..to see for myself what condition he is in..to make sure he has everything he needs..to comfort him and ease his pain and make it better in every way for his speedy recovery; the self-loathing part of me,however,wants to laugh in his face and shrug off,knowing well that it is yet another lie,yet another "fake" accident like the "dengue" he supposedly had.
A part of me wants to trust his friend I spoke to today because well he has no motive to lie and he knows my guy well,another part of me wants to break free of all my inhibitions and support my man yet again,knowing that he maybe,just maybe, he might prove me wrong as before.
What does a girl do? WhAt do I do? All I did was love him,every single minute of every single day,all these months. Look where I am now. Where is that cheerful,confident girl he met? Where is the girl who was in control of her life and emotions and focused on her growth? Where did the girl go who laughed a lot,showing off those dimples to anyone and everyone? When was the last time she laughed? He wouldn't remember,he rarely makes her laugh. Does he know her eyes are not black,not brown but a shade in between? He never noticed. Does he know when he taunts her,mocks her and makes her feel like he is superior, she becomes quiet,withdraws in her shell and comes out with a small laugh only to lighten the situation and pass over without creating a scene,whereas in reality she is stabbed hard and trying not to show it.
10 months and I don't recognize myself. The day I spoke to jiya, I stood in front of the mirro,looking at the tears splashing down my face and begged myself not to cry. Begged my own self to not cry for a man who was too busy to even notice the damage he had inflicted on me.
It's a never ending cycle! He hurts me, I withdraw,he hurts me more,pushes me away, I walk away and then,a small gesture from him, I go running back like a fool. He rejoices in the glory of his conquest. He doesn't realize it's the innocent heart of a girl,who cannot stop loving him in spite of the pain he inflicts.
I am not okay with him flirting with tons of women, I am not okay,NOT AT ALL OKAY with him sleeping around. I don't enjoy random women contacting me and telling me what shit he does behind my back. I dont savor the bitterness his own friends have against him. I don't like the way he treats the waiters,his inferiors,the way he speaks to people who helped him when he was in a crunch.
NO! not the man I envisioned.
I am sick,repelled and disgusted.
Sick of the never ending tirade, repelled by his unending desire for other women and disgusted at myself for being unable to accept the harsh reality of the situation.
If he did have an accident today,as claimed, I hope he gets well soon. It would break my heart to think of him in pain,it kills me even when he gets an ankle twisted.
I just wish...I wish things change. I have given up on him. I gave him his last chance. He was mine, I was his. Now, we're just two lost souls ,swimming in a fish bowl. He has my heart ,I asked him to keep it safe,he bounced it around,shredded it to pieces,played with it till it could take no more and then lost it to the winds.
I give up. It's on him now. I give up,for one last time, I am giving up ,waiting to see what course of action he takes.If he really does want us back or he'll just walk out and find another heart to play with.
Time will tell.
It struck in the early afternoon. She was in the middle of something and thought of dropping him a text but saw he wasn't online. She decided to wait till he came online and that was when it struck her. He hadn't been online in 4 hours. That was unlike him,even in the middle of a meeting. What if he was travelling? That is when it all added, what if he was coming to see her!? It as 29th April, a few weeks ago in their argument he had mentioned that he will come to see her on 29th,also,they hadn't been talking for over a week and he had mentioned that he had booked tickets to fly over since she wasn't responding. She was ecstatic.
It was a strong intuition,the kind which is rarely wrong. She could feel her heart rate grow faster as if he was nearing.
You see, it all added up, the flight from delhi to bangalore was of 3 hours. He hadnt been online for almost 3 1 hours (include check-in and baggage claim). He did come online and receive her call around 5pm, say he had reached the bus stand by then and already boarded a volvo to mysore,he hurriedly cut the call assuring to talk later.
She couldn't contain her excitement and expectations, she knew it,he was coming to see her,finally.. He didn't receive her calls for over 2 hours, she was sure he was being secretive and waiting to just reach her college ,in case she heard the traffic in the background..
Her insides were going wild with anticipation, she was restless as fuck . Throwing on her favourite pair of jeans and tee, she paced anxiously up and down the college.. He would be here any moment, here to surprise her,to lift her off the ground in his warmest hug after months of being far apart..he would be here and she would be ready, waiting to welcome him with open arms..ready to be smothered in a bear hug where it felt like home.
Time passed,she kept calling him...and then he dropped a text-" I am in office, in a meeting"
That explained it all.
YET, YET AGAIN, hopeful that she was, unable to accept the ugly truth,she kept her eyes on the college main gate, her eyes lighting up with expectation every time an auto stopped, or a man entered, her heartbeat dropping when an auto passed by with a passenger who looked just like her man. She was hopeful, she was waiting, she knew her intuition wasn't wrong.
8.30pm. Hostel curfew. The guard whistled and ushered everyone in,the gates were to be locked now. She kept her glance turned towards the main gate, she knew if she waited just one more minute he would be there,she was so sure he was coming..coming for her..
8:45pm. She choked back her tears and wrote this down,knwoing that yet again,she had herself fooled. She was incapable of accepting the fact that he was never gonna come, never gonna put in an effort to see her. What the fuck was wrong with her, she couldn't point it out! If he couldn't drive down 5 hours to see her when she needed him the most, would he fly over 3 hours, travel another 3 by bus and take the pains to just pay her a weekend visit.
Not in a thousand years.
She was doomed and she knew it. He had always taken her for granted and she had always hoped that One Day; ONE DAY he would take her by surprise, prove to her by his actions,not just his goddamn words, that she did mean something after all, that she worth his time and love and effort.
He never made a move till now,what was wrong with her,she thought to herself, chiding her heart for being such a weakling.
He was supposed to be here today, she had felt it all day that he was coming and he didn't turn up. He ain't gonna turn up ever. It wasn't his fault, it was hers..for loving, hoping, expecting and miraculously letting her heart control her mind.
It struck in the early afternoon. It is night now. He isn't coming.
So, "International LOL".
My friends have been in love for ages,lovebirds since school days and on the verge of being hitched. Something went wrong and they broke up,leaving the guy devastated.
His girl on the other hand left for New Zealand,she needed a break,wanted to sort herself out and decided to pay a visit to her sister. This guy decides he can't stay without fixing this fuck-up, goes all-out-bollywood-romantic and books his ticket to NZ to see her.
Haha,here's the best part. He leaves for NZ and at the very moment his flight departs,we see her check-in at Delhi airport. She preponed her trip to see him and he was halfway in the air to go see her. Such love,much Lol.
Now, he's stuck in NZ for a week and she's here waiting for him. Life would be so much simpler if people just communicated. Spoke up about their feelings, cleared out their misunderstandings and worked a way around situations.
In this world of ultra-modern tech,fast dating an casual sex,we've lost out on deeper,meaningful relationships.
People tend to look for eye-candy,not realizing that all we need is someone who feeds our soul and fills us with love.
Any time this week,he would have arrived.
Watch over him. Give him enough strength to get through this phase and keep him calm. My world is falling apart right now, my medical issues, my parents against me..yet,I'm keeping up a strong front for his sake.
He has two days to clear it all and I worry, I worry about him. He tends to take stress and get cranky whereas deep inside he's just really worried. Also,his pride refutes him from asking for help and yet,tomorrow he'll be requesting sincerely for the grant to be given to him.
I just want him out of this crisis ASAP and I hope he knows deep inside his heart that I always his back. I'll be right there next to him,no matter what,forever and always.
Watch over him,Ayaan. I love him too much to see him in a state like that.
I bore the brunt of all the abuses,the calls by the people who helped all these months but no,he might be at fault, he IS at fault but I won't stand anyone,ANYONE speaking ill about him. He is my man,he is my guy and nobody has a right to degrade him or his dignity. just waiting for him to clear it and shut them all up.
I promise myself every day that I will move on and not think of you. I promise to be happy, to forget and move on. And then, something or the other brings your memory back. Be it a fleeting thought or a photo or mere words around me. I open my closet and I crave to reach out and see your picture one more time. I unlock my phone and somehow, my fingers move to the section where I wrote letters to you. Ayaan, I was wrong about everything else till now. All my life, every beautiful thing, every deepest feeling, the purest forms of love have been nothing but ant-sized shreds of emotions I’ve experienced.
You, you were the one true love of my life, my boy. You were the most beautiful thing I’ve seen, your heartbeat was the most cherished sound in my life and carrying you and loving you for those few weeks was the truest form of love.
So no, I am not letting go. I don’t wanna forget you. I wanna keep your memory alive. I wanna keep you alive, in me.
In me, you died; with me, you will live.
I wasn't frequent on WB. Used to write stuff in my laptop an keep. Found this today-
We were driving back,he'd picked me up from the station. He turned to me and smiled,our conversation stopping mid-way as I caught my breath. It was a beautiful afternoon, I had a whole day to spend with him and there he was,smiling. The clouds parted that very moment that he turned to look at me.
And in the sunshine,his eyes changed into the sweetest shade of hazel.
I can never forget that moment. The way Mr. Lawyer's eyes crinkled at the corners,the way his smile lit up his face and warmed my heart.
Apart of me relapsed for a moment as I thought of Ayaan..My child would have had eyes like his father..Beautiful eyes which turned into hazel at the slightest hint of sunshine.
I had him there,sitting right next to me. I had the love of my life; I put my hand in his and held it tight.
And amidst the hills, in the darkness of the bluish black night sky, a shooting star fell. She closed her eyes and the first wish escaping her lips was ,”I want my child back.” She stopped short, surprised at herself, her grasp around her phone went limp and she bade him goodbye. She had no desire to talk to anyone. The longing for solitude was so deep that she wanted an immediate escapade from the world.
I think I have to make peace with the fact that it was my fault. I cannot keep losing bits and pieces of me, resulting in numerous heartbreaks, over and over again over the fact that he did not turn up the one time I begged him to. I have to realize that it was my mistake for not keeping track of my period cycle, for not being responsible enough, for not being aware of my body. I have to realize that I cannot trust anyone, not be dependent on anyone and be in a position to never beg anyone for anything again.
It is me I am angry at. I am mad at myself; it is me that I cannot forgive. Not Him, Me. I have started despising myself and being disgusted by my very own existence. I don’t deserve to live after I’ve killed a life. How can one live with the guilt? Trust me I have been trying and failing and every single failed attempt infuriates me even further. My days pass in keeping myself extremely busy and at nights; my tears put me to sleep. Sleep which is nothing but nightmares or repetitive flashes of the things I have seen and heard in the hospital.
I am Back.
I have to get back to writing again. I miss the words rushing in my head, i miss the writer's block. Also, I miss sitting in front of my laptop and typing away for hours on end. It felt good to be regular here and on explociti but ever since I stopped blogging for explo, it's like my head went blank and words elude me nowadays.
Well, that's partly because I havent had much time for myself of late. I've been busy and sick and to top it all, my laptop's crashed. -_-
So anyway, I am heading home in a bit and I will get back to WB asap.
Live well, laugh often and love much :)
This has been such a hectic week. And today is a Sunday.
It's a sundaaayyy :D
which means, I get to laze around allll day.
So, the inspection was a success, the conference was amazing and the food sucked -_-
I've been feeling a li'l homesick but it's just a phase probably.
I started off this entry with a lot of enthusiasm, hoping to write down a lot of stuff but here I am, feeling lazy again and straining to keep my eyes open.
I've been sick of late, yesterday being the worst, with all the puking and the nausea.
And then, my hero tells me that he has a twisted ankle. Ouch. That must have hurt. :|
He's leaving for Bangalore next week. Arrrgh, ofc I'm jealous. I miss Blore. It has my people there and 8 years worth of friends and memories. Jus hoping I get to see Shreya and others soon again.
Okay, I will complete this later..
Btw, the doc who asked me out is oh-so-hot , but then, my lawyer and his smile triumphs every hotness in the world. ;)
Its been 15 days since I shifted to the city of Ajmer, Rajasthan and I already wonder where to start from. This city is small, sweet and very very slow. Life goes on with the pace of a snail here, with people lazying around, tempos going at a speed of 20 on bumpy roads and students with a laidback attitude about life (except the few who attend coaching).
It's a city of pigs, pigeons and cows. Of Dargahs and Mandirs and Hills and Landscapes.
It's a city where I began my internship in peace, with a mental mindset of finishing everything without a hassle. A city where I found that malls dont exist and nor does McDonalds or KFC or food courts or home delivery restaurants. A city where the concept of dating is weirdly twisted and girls consider smoking as a sign of being "cool and sexy". A city where I wake up to the view of the sun rays creeping from behind the hills and the sound of morning aarti from a nearby temple and spend my day treating patients who bless you so much that you feel proud to be a medical professional.
It's a city. A city which got me off to a great start.
I spent my first weekend in Delhi. I think it was beautiful as long as I had my Lawyer next to me ;)
They say, "You don't remember what happened, what you remember becomes what happened"
Although the weekend was a fuck up at the end but I guess I'm getting over it now. Dones't help every once in a while when the people I met or my lawyer calls me and they say-"Yaar kis type ke logo ko laayi thi..", I always twinge when they say that.The kind of company I keep ,I'm very picky about such stuff.
Well, yeah, coming back to the point, I now choose to remember only the moments spent in beautiful company.
The dance floor, the spontaneous kisses, the friends I made, the fun times, the romance, the sound sleep in each other's arms.
The coming back to city and reminiscing about every moment spent in delhi, the giggles escaping my lips every time we texted, the chilled work atmosphere, the weather, the walks in the morning, the kachori samosas, the habit of elaichi tea and the never-ending urge to see Mr.Lawyer again.
Will pour it out,soon.
Moving to Ajmer day after.
6 months, solitude. what more could I have asked for?
I don't know, all of a sudden the idea of solitary confinement doesn't seem so appealing.
Love the weather.
Feels good being back home.Missing bangalore and the people though.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.