The emotions that make me who I am.
27 years old, Female, Delhi
Funny how on our one year anniversary we were apart and now again, 1 year and 2 months later on the date of our anniversary, we are separated again. This time for real.
What was it all along? Why did I not stop this sooner?
Went through his email today and his last email to me in September said ‘ thank you for not giving up on me even though it would’ve been easier to leave’. I held my ground that long but ever since December the issues started escalating and I stopped trusting him. I loved him immensely, it was innocent and pure and I would’ve done anything for him but when he started showing me where his other interests lay at night- in other women’s chat boxes and in petty lies.. it was never the same again between us.
And now, after our last fight it’ll never be. It’s over. It’s done. I am done.
I’m suffering with a lot of medical and mental health stress already- he knew it all and yet every single time I got triggered by his actions, it was only an ugly fight and never ever a mature, calm embrace from his end. There were always taunts and hurtful comments. I called him out on his MISTAKES ( facts, as he liked to say) but he made his retorts about my CHARACTER. How is that acceptable?
Sigh. No point digging into it again, I’ve spent all these nights worrying and wondering and shedding tears and I’m so tired of shedding tears.
I’m just so tired of loving a man who …
Well, fuck it.
It’s over. Goodnight.
Everything has fallen apart.
And once again, I carry a broken heart. But this time, things are different. I need help. I’m suffering and I cannot handle myself.
I needed him, wanted him, loved him. But after what he said and what he really thinks of me, after sitting all these weeks and actually thinking about whatever he put me through. ..now, I just really need support to get through this.
I don’t recognise myself anymore.
In one hour, the clock will strike twelve and it will be the 19th of March.
Tonight is our anniversary.
Last year, on this night, I plunged and responded to my bumble match. One year of knowing him, loving him, fighting with him, crying for and because of him...
I have been looking forward to this day so eagerly. For the last 365 days I have been excited about celebrating my anniversary in the most romantic possible way. Today, when the time is here for us to raise a toast to our love, we are not together anymore.
All these events- our anniversary, my birthday..will all be spent alone. Sigh. On one hand , I am just tired and heartbroken and on the other I am furious.
Sigh. It is over. Happy anniversary aru, to what could have been.
Sigh. After three years of being single and ten months of an unfulfilling, tumultuous relationship, I am all alone again. Single, anxious, heartbroken and back to square one.
Of course I miss him. I miss talking to him. But then I forcefully remind myself of how he wasn't there when I needed him. Or how he always reduced me to tears whenever I turned to him during distress. Of how I had to beg for basics like phone calls, dates and honesty lol.
I remind myself of all the times he stayed up talking to random women and lied to me. Of how his priorities were different and how hard I had to fight to make space for myself.
It will take me a long long time to come out of this because this, this was a man I wanted to marry. Funny. I would've spent a whole life running after him, making him grow him only to be met with harsh words, loneliness, lies and tears.
I miss him, yes but I will remind myself every single day of what he wrote into that letter.
I have loved before and I can love again and I do know that my heart is in the right place. I will not let anyone disrespect me or make me feel like I am too much. IF i am too much, go now , settle for less.
I hate you. I hate you for breaking my heart. For being such a fucking child.
Five missed calls. After the fifty I've already ignored since yesterday.
He thinks I''m sitting here with a heart of steel, just ignoring them casually. Little does he know that I'm dying inside every time his name flashes on my phone.
I grew tired of trying to explain myself to him. Tired of wanting to make hi understand how much he hurts me and makes me feel unheard. Dismissing my emotions will not change my core. My feelings make me who I am. My past experiences and his present behaviours are my triggers but instead of patiently listening to me , he spares no thought before declaring me as over-emotional, always whining and turns the tables onto me.
Not once does he see how his actions or lack thereof are causing me pain.
Here's a small example- I experience some kind of shock. Somebody from my horrible past reaches out to me causing me to shake with anxiety and nervousness and fear. That person triggers a suppressed, painful memory. Now, I have already tackled the problem by blocking him but what does my heart want? Somebody to console me. To gently calm me, listen to how scared I was and be my rock. Who is my rock? My boyfriend. Who will I turn to then? Obvious answer.
So, here's what happens- I tell him I need you. Something happened. He asks me- what?
I say-mmm I'll tell you over call. Right now can you please be here with me for a bit? Just text me, be around me. I need you.Don;t feel good.
That's it. That's all it takes for all hell to break loose.
"Lil stu can't have a conversation. You always do this. batao hi mat yar jao chill. you're playing mind games. this is hide and seek."
I mean.. I legit told you, I'll tell over call. Either just call me then and there. Or give me the space to compose myself and be there for me .
Not once did he ask me a second time as to what had happened, hat made me so upset.
It stretched and stretched. I asked him at night if he has something to say to me or If i can call. Nope.
The next day he tells me to call post 7pm. I comply. The first thing he says is that he' s going to play chess with his friend and only has ten minutes. Thanks for the time limit, bruh.
No girl would like being subjected to such behaviour. Anyhow, I calmly started narrating as to how I love him and need him to understand that during such times of distress I turn to him for comfort, not cruelty.
I need my emotions validated and to just be held rather than listen to harsh words and be reduced to miserable tears.
His takeaway? Oh, you are always complaining.
No, you fucking moron, I am teaching you ways to love me. Telling you what I need outta you because those needs aren't being met and this is the most adult way of doing it.
Sigh. One thing led to another and he asked for all his things to be returned. Don;t even ask how I felt when he obsessed over a stupid book he gave me contrary to all the carton full of things I had gifted him.
All he cared about was a silly book, not his relationship falling apart.
Everything that he gave me was of his interest. A mere few books and a hoodie. I never evn asked for all the letters and the comics and the clothing items I gifted him. We are not cheap school kids. We don;t ask for gifts back.
Anyhow, as it happens, here I am. Single. Wondering where I made the wrong judgement.
There were a lot of things wrong here. I felt gaslighted, emotionally manipulated. I felt uheard. He was immature. He only thought he was always right and just wanted the good parts. Never once have I turned to him during a bad day and come out feeling comforted or consoled. Instead, I always regretted going to him with my problems or mood because he made me feel so weak and pathetic for having emotions.
Sigh. I grew weary of it. I cannot imagine a life, where the struggle gets real, to be with a person who can't handle a simple bad mood or day with me.
I hope he matures and grows into a calmer, patient man. Someone who accommodates emotions without looking down upon them. Someone who knows that we are not kids now. Adult relationships require intimacy. You talk about things beyond the surface level shit. It's like I barely ever knew him . Everything was so secretive. No names, no discussions, nothing. Never talking about his family, his workplace in detail. I had to keep fishing. And nobody needs that.
I hope he treats the next woman well, takes her out on decent dates, has a heart to heart with her, shares things transparently and stops his habits of lying and running to various other women.
I went through a tough phase of constant insecurity with him. No, I am not paranoid and mad, he kept me insecure with his antics. I knew he bid me goodnight and stayed up night chatting with fuckall women. He lied about frivolous things and never shared his past with me. Humiliated me in a stupid party by letting some stupid manipulative chick sit on his chair with him. Any sane guy knows how to navigate a situation like that with your woman just five feet away.
Anyhow, there were way too many red flags. I had to struggle and beg for phone calls , video calls initially. to remove his exes and hookups from social media. Everything was always met with resistance.
Fights, tears, blocking, calling me names and ultimately I would just threaten to leave him and that's when he would bow down and comply. It was exhausting getting him to just listen and then to acknowledge. Oh, he never apologised until I did even though he was at fault. Never once just agreed to his faults, Everything according to him was me creating drama.
Bhai,I am tired. the red flags were always there. I hope he meets a woman of today's world, who will look down her nose upon him. Who will throw tantrums and pick fights, a gold digging bitch, someone who actually makes him wonder all the things he made me wonder.
One day he'll realise what he put me through, it's the small things, the basics. That's when he'll know I was graciously just putting up with so many things, not being picky, not being demanding. One day he will know what a demanding relationship looks like.
For now, I can breathe. I miss him. I loved him,yes truly. But I was unhappy. I felt like I had to tutor him about a relationship and he was one of those non complying, reckless students who just don't listen and bring the teacher to tears. No can do. I wanna get settled by the end of this year and I need a stable, mature man who has his career, his finances, his thoughts in order. Someone who knows how human moods and relationships work and not someone who makes me feel any less for having a rough moment. I need peace, not problems. He has given me enough tears. 70-30 was the dynamic of our relationship with 70 being the times I was upset because of him. not with him but always because.
I hope he stays happy. He is a good person but a child inside who still has a lot to learn about complex matters of the heart and the world. Add to that, his childish, immature friend who is also ruining his relationship with his recklessness and behaviour. Gosh, these men.
I am sad, extremely to see the end of something so close to my heart. I envisioned a life with him. I guess I shall just retreat into a shell for a bit,all the while pretending on social media that i'm on fiyaaahh Lol.
Oh, that reminds me on his snide comment in his last letter to me but never mind- we shall ignore that on the basis of immaturity and chauvinism.
StuandAru end today. Goodbye, you. Thanks for the lovely memories.
I don’t know if I want this anymore. I cannot see a future with the multiple cracks that have weakened us. I don’t know if I’ll trust again. Or be able to love him the way I did. There’s no more happiness left between us. No faith, no affection,no communication.
It all feels so confusing and upsetting.
All I know is that if I give up this time there will be no going back , ever. And I’m really close to giving up. Really close.
I’ve shifted from a state of hurt and anger to a zone of silence. I know beyond this I’ll just detach and vanish from his life. I’m tired of this relationship. Ive been unhappy for a while and I kept denying it- thinking that things will change. But they didn’t. And I was always made to feel like I was asking for too much whereas I know I was only requesting basic fundamentals.
You can’t change a person or their traits. Lying is his and it’s an absolute dealbreaker for me. I’m contemplating so much and I’m feeling overwhelmed.
You broke us aru. Everywhere I go it’s you. Opened my reminders today … found one of our 100 day mark.
I miss you. So much. I hate you, I love you. I want you back and I don’t want you back at the same time . What do I do? You hurt me.
I don’t feel like eating anything. It’s been three days and all I’ve had is one cup of tea. My head hurts but more than that there’s this dull ache in my chest. I miss you so much. I’m hurting without you.
Suddenly the whole focus has shifted to the friends bit. I regret sharing so much with the wrong person due to poor judgment but in hindsight, we were dealing with problems of our own prior to this. Whatever happened doesn’t undermine that I’m angry and upset by a lot other issues too. Somehow now the focus seems to be on my mistake which is being portrayed as a blunder. So I’m not allowed one mistake but he’s allowed plenty? It’s okay For me to always melt in his arms but when it’s my turn to falter , he distances himself and wouldn’t even break the silence?
I have loads to think about. And a very sound final decision to make. This has gone on long enough and I can’t keep dissolving into tears or reel from anxiety or insecurity all the time. Whatever this was, it’s not love anymore. It’s ugly. And sad.
Everything's moving at a pace that I'm not quite used to. It is making me jittery but it is also so exhilarating. I am a happy woman-after years of being forlorn and aloof. Why, you ask? Oh but of course, I am in love. What else could be the reason for bringing a smile on my face if not those cute notifications or the flashbacks of his sweet face? :)
There will be loads to write and loads to say, very soon. I already have a weekend event to write about- a get together-our very first- at his friends' place. right now I'm gonna rush and finish some work. Will come back to this soon enough.
Ecstatic in Love,
How nerve wrecking can things seem for a while and all of a sudden be eradicated with a wave of love and make it all sound so frivolous.
We talked things out. Turns out we were both agitated because we both loved in our own way. and we loved a tad too much. He wanted me to not worry and pester him about my place in his life and I just wanted to know if I'm still important which was annoying because he literally tells me that all day. well its all sorted out now. we talked it over and I'm a happy woman again. I respect the fact that he listens to me. He lets me drone on and on before taking the reigns in his hands and ultimately sorting things out. It has to end in an 'i love you' or I wouldn't feel too pleased. Haha. Anyway, I'm blessed to have him and I'm gonna work on being better and.. a tad less annoying. My past tends to bear down on my present and the baggage I carry makes things hard for me to believe. But he is not just another man. He is not like my past. He is my future and it is high time I start working towards it rather than comparing everything with my previous horrendous experiences.
I do not know how to start writing. This pandemic has been hard on me, professionally. Crazy work hours, depressing news all around, suffering, pay cuts and more. It isn't easy working from home. However, what's really bugging me at this point of time is -I do not know what to write about. For years, I have toyed with the idea of writing my book.I have been told by friends, family and astrologers alike that I should write a book and I happen to strongly agree with them. However, every time I come back to Writerbabu to touch base with my writing days, I feel like i have lost the charm for writing. I feel so.. detached from the keyboard.
Not just that, I am confused. Terribly confused as to how to even begin.?!!
Should I write something romantic? fiction? my past? my past disguised with a little fiction? who is my target audience? who even reads a book these days? How do I work around these things? It is bugging me to no extent. There is this desperate desire within me to write and yet there is this annoying restlessness because I can't figure out What to write about. Some help would be appreciated please.
In my last entry, I have written about how I wished to attract a beautiful, kind man who makes me the center of his world. Someone who loved me in all the right ways. Well, guess what- here I am, back again to write about just that- the beautiful, kind man in my life. :)
I matched with Arihant on Hinge, His profile called out to me and for some reason, that strong, sharpened picture of his, the precisely worded bio and a very strong intellectual portrait coupled with masculinity drew me to him. Of course, let's not forget his obsession with Harry Potter. He asked me what my house was on Pottermore and I never quite got back to him (I'm a Gryffindor through and through in case you're wondering).
A few days later, I was window shopping on Bumble and I came across the same profile. Voila I just had to match again !
By now, I started leaning just very slightly towards fate. He, here he was a second time. We started a conversation...and we haven't stopped ever since in the last 4 weeks.
Aru and I talk about anything and everything. We share about moods, our life, our days, our family. He checks in on me time and again throughout the day and I love it so much. I keep thinking of doing the same but I just could never learn how to. Also , this is the one thing which I want to be just his. I like it when he sends me voice notes, I love the way he calls me baby. He tells me things like "I can't wait to introduce you to my friends', "I cant wait to start a life with you" etc..
You see, the thing that amazes me the most is.. all my life I have longed for a love like this. All these years I have cried and pleaded and prayed for someone to come and fill this void in my heart. And then comes Arihant, the love of my life, the light of my eyes and not only does he fill this gaping hole in my heart, he fckin fills it with love and steals it away.
Now he is the proud owner of my teeny tiny stupid heart and I am a blushing giggly teenager who cannot wait to spend the rest of her life with him.
I felt like being a teenager and doing some fan-girling today so well, I changed my phoneâ€™s wallpaper to Hyun Bin and Lee Min Hoâ€™s faces.
Theyâ€™re just gorgeous looking men and totally my type! Ah, I wish it attracts a beautiful, kind man who makes me the centre of his world 3
Itâ€™s almost 5am and Iâ€™ve been sitting and listening to the rain outside my window. I feel empty inside and I dunno why. Is it one reason or many?
I miss feeling warm. Itâ€™s so lonely and cold these nights. Thereâ€™s nobody to ask me how I am or how my day was. Thereâ€™s nothing to look forward to. I feel alone.
I miss being loved and wanted. It feels like I donâ€™t have a place anywhere to call my own.
I wish I had the love of Ri Jyeong and Yoon Seri CLOY or Joon Jae and the mermaid.
I like lee min ho and hyun bin. Looking at them makes me smile. I feel like maybe these are the kind of men Iâ€™d wanna be with. I wish my life is filled with love and happiness very soon. I have been lonely for too long.
The Hill of Yearning- my song.
Crash landing of you is a show that changed my life. II am in love with Ri-Jeong Hyuk and Yoon Se-Ri. That kind of love is the one I want. The one you will cross all borders for, the one you will take a bullet for and the one for whom you will put everything at stake. I was zoned in in so much that I couldn't take s shower or sleep in peace. I just wanted to know what happens next. A mix of love, comedy, family, politics and so much more. I am in love with this and i didnt watch anything for a few days cuz no show can triumph this.
I wish I can get a man who loves me like Hyun Bin. I wish for that love.
korean dramas have become an obsession and i love how everything i so positive, loving and realistic in it.
I want to start writing again. This has been the place that I always turn to when I need to catch a break and find my footing again. And that is exactly why I've been wanting to resume writing again. It has been a long while indeed. So much has happened. A quarter of a life lived and a lifetime of pain accumulated. An eternity of experiences yet to come.
I miss myself-my old self. I hope writing here again will help me gain a clearer perspective towards my past, present and future. I'm just gonna revisit the old diary entries and cherish some memories for a while.
Merry Christmas ! After a night of a weeping I think I have gathered a lot of clarity on things. The thing about life is - your perspective keeps changing with every new phase. A lot has happened in a year and I think I am finally ready to talk about it. Al this while I have kept it within but now it's high time that for the sake of my own sanity I should let it out and let it go before the year ends. If you came across this , well stay on to read because this is gonna be raw and revealing.
I hope Santa brings you a fresh perspective on things too.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the sound of my keys clacking and the very feeling of liberation after writing here knowing that nobody knows me, knowing that here I can be me..whole hearted and baring my soul.
You see, the movies and books don't explain the story of staying in love. Of the several attempts people make to hold on to each other. It's always the falling in love part which sounds more romantic, more relatable. But when the shared glances fade, the late night texting vanishes and music tastes begin to drift apart, that's when the actual story starts. As humans, we adjust as quickly to other humans as we get tired of them. It's our nature. There are rare occasions though when people wake up next to each other and make the choice of 1 more day, 24 more hours, 1,440 more minutes, 86,400 more seconds they'd like to spend together. It's all numbers. And this is where life, love, and time all collide, this is the part of the story which fascinates me the most. Of people making some choices repeatedly, of the sand in their hourglasses slipping scarily fast, but how they turn it around repeatedly. There used to be a time when people promised 'forever' to each other because they thought it belonged to them. But it's not ours, it never was. We only have a today, and we'll only ever have a tomorrow and it's good enough.
So this, I believe, is the absolute poetic truth of humanity- that we're all dying everyday, except for the rare occasions when we choose someone else to die with. That is when we're truly alive, without feeling the need to tell the rest of the world.
two months into your new relationship
you told her you loved her
your oversized plaid flannel shirt trying to forget
the way it fell loose over my butterscotch skin at 3 am
walking barefoot in your elvis presley room
trying to find jesus at the bottom of a beer bottle
trying to hear you say, â€˜broken things can fix.â€™ you donâ€™t tell her how
my name lay inside your mouth like an epitaph
or how i came undone in your arms like a shipwreck on saturn
how i was home to your wander bones
anchor to your pirate ship
you tell her â€˜she was in painâ€™
you donâ€™t tell her â€˜she was so beautiful
when she was in pain, she pained in rose petals.â€™
you tell her â€˜she was crazy, she was fucking crazyâ€™
but you donâ€™t tell her how my loud
outrageous smile never stopped
haunting you when she lay next to you
how i was one nightmare less, but a dream lost
and now you didnâ€™t know
how to stop missing me
and i remember the first time you tried to love me
you read me an open heart surgery on the green fig tree
that even sylvia plath would have died analysing
you said you liked sad girls and
i told you i was the last page of a thomas kyd tragedy
you held me like a renaissance artefact
reading off me like the holy verse
and assured me that â€˜broken things could fixâ€™
the first time you kissed me
you said i tasted like anger melting in whipped cream
you promised nobody could compare
to the wounded tornado my heart built like an outhouse
four years later when i saw you, you were with her
you looked like a multiple choice question
her hands all over you
like an algorithm of wrong answers
and you couldnâ€™t stop thinking about
the way you buried your head in my lionâ€™s mane hair
and whispered a prayer to its mosaic autumn curls.
the last time you called
i held onto your voice like a 12 a.m. failure
i begged you not to leave
but you said you were sorry
in the end,
you learned it the hard way
just like everyone else
who let me go.
i told you i loved you and
you told me
I have always thought of life in terms of a metaphor. Life as a journey, like a train trip with a timetable and destinations. You have expectations and assumptions. You imagine that to have a meaningful life you need goals and a plan and you need to stick to it.
And this journey is tied to a concept and identification of self as a traveler, the hero, saint or sinner on the journey. But this â€œselfâ€ transcends â€œme.â€ It is a cultural artifact, embedded in a cultural story in which this journey of a self comes alive. We imagine this self is who we are. Thus we might think we are the way others see us, or we think we are the persona or face we live for others. We think we are this traveler identified by cultural destinations like school, marriage, job. This self is a cultural identity as much as a personal one.
So when I felt the urge to rebel and couldnâ€™t figure out how to make the transition from college to job, to support myself in a way I found ethical and meaningful, I could no longer stay on schedule. I panicked. I felt a sense of dread. It wasnâ€™t just that I couldnâ€™t find a way to make a living. I wasnâ€™t just a traveler who had missed his train. My very sense of self seemed to dissolve. The underside of the life-as-a-journey metaphor was exposed. When before I was â€œon trackâ€ I was now â€œoff track.â€ I was â€œlost.â€ I had fallen off the train. Confusion was not an acknowledged train stop.
But after falling off the train, I eventually began to see the metaphor as a metaphor. I began to see the implications. If love, success and retirement were the big destinations on the train route, then wasnâ€™t birth the first stop and death the last? The existential shook up the cultural. There was a whole universe of moments I was missing by focusing on destinations instead of feeling the motion of the train and the colors, scents, relationships of all the beings riding along with me.
My mind is not a passenger riding my brain. It is the whole landscape of meaning in which I come alive. It is embedded not only in a body and a culture, but a universe. So, if one way to understand our lives is with metaphor, what is the metaphor we want to live? What story or poem do we want to write with our life? And we need to re-write the cultural story to include the â€œgap years,â€ time to â€œfind yourselfâ€ or time to step off the train and ride a camel on the silk road. Time to value restructuring society instead of just fitting in.
It'll stop soon.
I know your troubles
Are knocking at your soul,
They don't scream your name,
They whisper it,
With a chilling calm.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, how your fears
Come to visit you into the night.
With nothing but a touch,
A touch, cold as ice.
How your insecurities tap
At the windowsill,
To see if you're finally
Inviting them in
For a chance, at strangling,
Your tempting, hanging neck.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your heart
Searches across the night sky.
For a semblance of peace,
For a shelter in this moonlight
That for all you know,
Is lighting your body, showing the way,
For the blades of anxiety,
To find their prey.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your blood
Wages a battle with a heartbeat
Against your brain
To urge it to do something.
I know, your breathing, tries its best,
To coerce the air,
To choke itself.
I know, your breathing and beating,
Are troubling you.
So don't worry,
This night, it'll stop soon.
it'll be okay
like I always say
you will find
that your journey has led you
to a place where
finally, in your mind
you have found a way.
I am here and I
will always will be,
so this night,
sleep in my arms and sleep tight,
for tomorrow morning there will be sunlight.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.