Diary of A Patrician, Excerpts from her life.
27 years old, Female, StoryBrooke
What is hurting me is not the things he said to me or the way he made me feel. What hurts more is how he told me my love wasn't enough. How he felt abandoned in this relationship. I do not think I can forgive myself for making him feel lonely and unheard.
This is the only shock I am reeling from since last night. Forget how much I cried and how I felt when he said hurtful words. His temper gets the best of him and no, I am not making excuses for his anger or his harsh words. I am just trying to understand where he stems from. But his logical reasoning is beyond my understanding at times. I get that we are two people who feel differently, think differently. However, knowing that I had promised and wholeheartedly only wanted to fill his life with love..and having failed miserably at that .. I cannot overlook that. I may forgive him for hurting me yet again over a ridiculous discrepancy in emotions and understanding of timeline- but I will not forgive myself for being the person who ruined his mood, his night and ended up making him feel like he was 'kicked out' as he put it. He comes before me and as much as that makes me seems like I have no self respect, I am perfectly okay with knowing that my love comes before my pride.
I hurt him. with my words. I cannot take that back. and it will forever haunt me.
I am going to suck it up and be normal till his exam because god knows I've ruined it enough by now. But it would be best for me to distance myself post that. I would not want to be the person who inflicts more hurt on him. He doesn't say much, he is more sensitive than I am and I know there are things that affect him deeply. For a person to whom I wanted to be the light in his life, his safe space, I gave a scenario that was completely opposite. And i loathe myself for that. He loved me for all the happiness I brought into his life and look at us... I am sorry I hurt you.
I want an apology too, for all the times you've hurt me, for all the times you've said words to pierce my heart, for all the tears, for all the nights when you've made me feel like I committed blunder whereas you were equally at fault for disrespecting my emotions. I am tired of always being the first one to apologise.I am tired of having to keep my emotions aside in order to apologise and somehow end up always being the bad guy.
But I am also tired of haring what you think of me. Your truest feelings come out when we fight and all I've spoken about is the problem and what it made me feel,yet all you ever point out is what a loser I am and all the problems within me. It hurts me.
You hurt me. And now,look, I hurt you too.
This is not us. This was not us. This cannot be us. I dont want this.
I would rather distance myself and love you than wake up each day knowing how inadequate this relationship and my love is for you.
I love you. so much. i love you and it hurts me to see you hurt. It kills my sleep, my appetite and every single fibre of my being screams all day.I just want to reach out and make sure you are okay but don't you want to do the same?
I want to apologise and let go of the problem, to make up and get back on track but don;t you want the same? I want you to realise not every relationship is happy 24x7, people argue, people fight, people disagree. but why are you so rigid in not acknowledging the same? Why do you jump to conclusions that one fight is the end of everything? It scares me. Will you run like this in the future too? when we have real world issues, family issues, career, home..will you constantly question our relation and deem it unfit and unhealthy and without a future?
how do you forget all the good things we share the moment one bad thing crops up? is our love that meaningless to you, my darling?
Sigh. I grovel all the time with apologies but i dont want to anymore. right now, I am really hurt and I just want to think about where we are going. I do not want to be with someone who will hurt me with his harsh words, assassinate my character and maturity every time we argue and never accept his faults. For you, you are always right and if hat's the case then maybe I am the one wrong decision you made. And bad decisions should be eliminated.
How nerve wrecking can things seem for a while and all of a sudden be eradicated with a wave of love and make it all sound so frivolous.
We talked things out. Turns out we were both agitated because we both loved in our own way. and we loved a tad too much. He wanted me to not worry and pester him about my place in his life and I just wanted to know if I'm still important which was annoying because he literally tells me that all day. well its all sorted out now. we talked it over and I'm a happy woman again. I respect the fact that he listens to me. He lets me drone on and on before taking the reigns in his hands and ultimately sorting things out. It has to end in an 'i love you' or I wouldn't feel too pleased. Haha. Anyway, I'm blessed to have him and I'm gonna work on being better and.. a tad less annoying. My past tends to bear down on my present and the baggage I carry makes things hard for me to believe. But he is not just another man. He is not like my past. He is my future and it is high time I start working towards it rather than comparing everything with my previous horrendous experiences.
It's a tough time for us all indeed. Not steeping out, depressing news everywhere and social media full of distress calls for beds, oxygen and other supplies. Everybody requesting everybody to 'amplify' posts, Remdesivir is the word of the month and India tops the charts worldwide for being the worst hit nation.
During this time, I have found love. We do find love in a hopeless place- Rihanna was right. However, with the way things are of course my love also tends to veer off track at times. Since yesterday, I have been down with high fever and not really feeling too good about it. At this point, a person would expect some TLC. Forget that, just some sweet words can bring a whole lot of comfort. So what do you do if at the exact same time your partner is dealing with a work crisis? If at 3 am you text him telling him you're awake and feel like shit and he snaps at you saying he's busy with work and makes you feel like you're in his hair? Whose problem is bigger rn?
I tried to be understanding. I tried to give him space. we hadn't talked all night. Yet that amount of space wasn't enough? Yet for once he couldn't .. fuck it why am i even going on about this. There's a difference between your words and actions. Maybe I've just given too much of myself, too soon- as fucking always. IT's already happening again. and no, I am going to take it now. You love a sick person, harder in these times. You care for them, you tell them you love them. You do not take your work stress and get pissed at them for just seeking some comfort from you. It's not cool.
I do not know how to start writing. This pandemic has been hard on me, professionally. Crazy work hours, depressing news all around, suffering, pay cuts and more. It isn't easy working from home. However, what's really bugging me at this point of time is -I do not know what to write about. For years, I have toyed with the idea of writing my book.I have been told by friends, family and astrologers alike that I should write a book and I happen to strongly agree with them. However, every time I come back to Writerbabu to touch base with my writing days, I feel like i have lost the charm for writing. I feel so.. detached from the keyboard.
Not just that, I am confused. Terribly confused as to how to even begin.?!!
Should I write something romantic? fiction? my past? my past disguised with a little fiction? who is my target audience? who even reads a book these days? How do I work around these things? It is bugging me to no extent. There is this desperate desire within me to write and yet there is this annoying restlessness because I can't figure out What to write about. Some help would be appreciated please.
In my last entry, I have written about how I wished to attract a beautiful, kind man who makes me the center of his world. Someone who loved me in all the right ways. Well, guess what- here I am, back again to write about just that- the beautiful, kind man in my life. :)
I matched with Arihant on Hinge, His profile called out to me and for some reason, that strong, sharpened picture of his, the precisely worded bio and a very strong intellectual portrait coupled with masculinity drew me to him. Of course, let's not forget his obsession with Harry Potter. He asked me what my house was on Pottermore and I never quite got back to him (I'm a Gryffindor through and through in case you're wondering).
A few days later, I was window shopping on Bumble and I came across the same profile. Voila I just had to match again !
By now, I started leaning just very slightly towards fate. He, here he was a second time. We started a conversation...and we haven't stopped ever since in the last 4 weeks.
Aru and I talk about anything and everything. We share about moods, our life, our days, our family. He checks in on me time and again throughout the day and I love it so much. I keep thinking of doing the same but I just could never learn how to. Also , this is the one thing which I want to be just his. I like it when he sends me voice notes, I love the way he calls me baby. He tells me things like "I can't wait to introduce you to my friends', "I cant wait to start a life with you" etc..
You see, the thing that amazes me the most is.. all my life I have longed for a love like this. All these years I have cried and pleaded and prayed for someone to come and fill this void in my heart. And then comes Arihant, the love of my life, the light of my eyes and not only does he fill this gaping hole in my heart, he fckin fills it with love and steals it away.
Now he is the proud owner of my teeny tiny stupid heart and I am a blushing giggly teenager who cannot wait to spend the rest of her life with him.
I felt like being a teenager and doing some fan-girling today so well, I changed my phoneâ€™s wallpaper to Hyun Bin and Lee Min Hoâ€™s faces.
Theyâ€™re just gorgeous looking men and totally my type! Ah, I wish it attracts a beautiful, kind man who makes me the centre of his world 3
Itâ€™s almost 5am and Iâ€™ve been sitting and listening to the rain outside my window. I feel empty inside and I dunno why. Is it one reason or many?
I miss feeling warm. Itâ€™s so lonely and cold these nights. Thereâ€™s nobody to ask me how I am or how my day was. Thereâ€™s nothing to look forward to. I feel alone.
I miss being loved and wanted. It feels like I donâ€™t have a place anywhere to call my own.
I wish I had the love of Ri Jyeong and Yoon Seri CLOY or Joon Jae and the mermaid.
I like lee min ho and hyun bin. Looking at them makes me smile. I feel like maybe these are the kind of men Iâ€™d wanna be with. I wish my life is filled with love and happiness very soon. I have been lonely for too long.
The Hill of Yearning- my song.
Crash landing of you is a show that changed my life. II am in love with Ri-Jeong Hyuk and Yoon Se-Ri. That kind of love is the one I want. The one you will cross all borders for, the one you will take a bullet for and the one for whom you will put everything at stake. I was zoned in in so much that I couldn't take s shower or sleep in peace. I just wanted to know what happens next. A mix of love, comedy, family, politics and so much more. I am in love with this and i didnt watch anything for a few days cuz no show can triumph this.
I wish I can get a man who loves me like Hyun Bin. I wish for that love.
korean dramas have become an obsession and i love how everything i so positive, loving and realistic in it.
I want to start writing again. This has been the place that I always turn to when I need to catch a break and find my footing again. And that is exactly why I've been wanting to resume writing again. It has been a long while indeed. So much has happened. A quarter of a life lived and a lifetime of pain accumulated. An eternity of experiences yet to come.
I miss myself-my old self. I hope writing here again will help me gain a clearer perspective towards my past, present and future. I'm just gonna revisit the old diary entries and cherish some memories for a while.
Merry Christmas ! After a night of a weeping I think I have gathered a lot of clarity on things. The thing about life is - your perspective keeps changing with every new phase. A lot has happened in a year and I think I am finally ready to talk about it. Al this while I have kept it within but now it's high time that for the sake of my own sanity I should let it out and let it go before the year ends. If you came across this , well stay on to read because this is gonna be raw and revealing.
I hope Santa brings you a fresh perspective on things too.
I had forgotten how much I enjoyed the sound of my keys clacking and the very feeling of liberation after writing here knowing that nobody knows me, knowing that here I can be me..whole hearted and baring my soul.
You see, the movies and books don't explain the story of staying in love. Of the several attempts people make to hold on to each other. It's always the falling in love part which sounds more romantic, more relatable. But when the shared glances fade, the late night texting vanishes and music tastes begin to drift apart, that's when the actual story starts. As humans, we adjust as quickly to other humans as we get tired of them. It's our nature. There are rare occasions though when people wake up next to each other and make the choice of 1 more day, 24 more hours, 1,440 more minutes, 86,400 more seconds they'd like to spend together. It's all numbers. And this is where life, love, and time all collide, this is the part of the story which fascinates me the most. Of people making some choices repeatedly, of the sand in their hourglasses slipping scarily fast, but how they turn it around repeatedly. There used to be a time when people promised 'forever' to each other because they thought it belonged to them. But it's not ours, it never was. We only have a today, and we'll only ever have a tomorrow and it's good enough.
So this, I believe, is the absolute poetic truth of humanity- that we're all dying everyday, except for the rare occasions when we choose someone else to die with. That is when we're truly alive, without feeling the need to tell the rest of the world.
two months into your new relationship
you told her you loved her
your oversized plaid flannel shirt trying to forget
the way it fell loose over my butterscotch skin at 3 am
walking barefoot in your elvis presley room
trying to find jesus at the bottom of a beer bottle
trying to hear you say, â€˜broken things can fix.â€™ you donâ€™t tell her how
my name lay inside your mouth like an epitaph
or how i came undone in your arms like a shipwreck on saturn
how i was home to your wander bones
anchor to your pirate ship
you tell her â€˜she was in painâ€™
you donâ€™t tell her â€˜she was so beautiful
when she was in pain, she pained in rose petals.â€™
you tell her â€˜she was crazy, she was fucking crazyâ€™
but you donâ€™t tell her how my loud
outrageous smile never stopped
haunting you when she lay next to you
how i was one nightmare less, but a dream lost
and now you didnâ€™t know
how to stop missing me
and i remember the first time you tried to love me
you read me an open heart surgery on the green fig tree
that even sylvia plath would have died analysing
you said you liked sad girls and
i told you i was the last page of a thomas kyd tragedy
you held me like a renaissance artefact
reading off me like the holy verse
and assured me that â€˜broken things could fixâ€™
the first time you kissed me
you said i tasted like anger melting in whipped cream
you promised nobody could compare
to the wounded tornado my heart built like an outhouse
four years later when i saw you, you were with her
you looked like a multiple choice question
her hands all over you
like an algorithm of wrong answers
and you couldnâ€™t stop thinking about
the way you buried your head in my lionâ€™s mane hair
and whispered a prayer to its mosaic autumn curls.
the last time you called
i held onto your voice like a 12 a.m. failure
i begged you not to leave
but you said you were sorry
in the end,
you learned it the hard way
just like everyone else
who let me go.
i told you i loved you and
you told me
I have always thought of life in terms of a metaphor. Life as a journey, like a train trip with a timetable and destinations. You have expectations and assumptions. You imagine that to have a meaningful life you need goals and a plan and you need to stick to it.
And this journey is tied to a concept and identification of self as a traveler, the hero, saint or sinner on the journey. But this â€œselfâ€ transcends â€œme.â€ It is a cultural artifact, embedded in a cultural story in which this journey of a self comes alive. We imagine this self is who we are. Thus we might think we are the way others see us, or we think we are the persona or face we live for others. We think we are this traveler identified by cultural destinations like school, marriage, job. This self is a cultural identity as much as a personal one.
So when I felt the urge to rebel and couldnâ€™t figure out how to make the transition from college to job, to support myself in a way I found ethical and meaningful, I could no longer stay on schedule. I panicked. I felt a sense of dread. It wasnâ€™t just that I couldnâ€™t find a way to make a living. I wasnâ€™t just a traveler who had missed his train. My very sense of self seemed to dissolve. The underside of the life-as-a-journey metaphor was exposed. When before I was â€œon trackâ€ I was now â€œoff track.â€ I was â€œlost.â€ I had fallen off the train. Confusion was not an acknowledged train stop.
But after falling off the train, I eventually began to see the metaphor as a metaphor. I began to see the implications. If love, success and retirement were the big destinations on the train route, then wasnâ€™t birth the first stop and death the last? The existential shook up the cultural. There was a whole universe of moments I was missing by focusing on destinations instead of feeling the motion of the train and the colors, scents, relationships of all the beings riding along with me.
My mind is not a passenger riding my brain. It is the whole landscape of meaning in which I come alive. It is embedded not only in a body and a culture, but a universe. So, if one way to understand our lives is with metaphor, what is the metaphor we want to live? What story or poem do we want to write with our life? And we need to re-write the cultural story to include the â€œgap years,â€ time to â€œfind yourselfâ€ or time to step off the train and ride a camel on the silk road. Time to value restructuring society instead of just fitting in.
It'll stop soon.
I know your troubles
Are knocking at your soul,
They don't scream your name,
They whisper it,
With a chilling calm.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, how your fears
Come to visit you into the night.
With nothing but a touch,
A touch, cold as ice.
How your insecurities tap
At the windowsill,
To see if you're finally
Inviting them in
For a chance, at strangling,
Your tempting, hanging neck.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your heart
Searches across the night sky.
For a semblance of peace,
For a shelter in this moonlight
That for all you know,
Is lighting your body, showing the way,
For the blades of anxiety,
To find their prey.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your blood
Wages a battle with a heartbeat
Against your brain
To urge it to do something.
I know, your breathing, tries its best,
To coerce the air,
To choke itself.
I know, your breathing and beating,
Are troubling you.
So don't worry,
This night, it'll stop soon.
it'll be okay
like I always say
you will find
that your journey has led you
to a place where
finally, in your mind
you have found a way.
I am here and I
will always will be,
so this night,
sleep in my arms and sleep tight,
for tomorrow morning there will be sunlight.
In another drunk conversation, you ask me if I love you.
I reply with a plain yes. You go on asking if I'd love you even if you didn't. I take a pause breathe and say yes again.
You ask me the same question yet again. And I ask myself same question at that very moment. Do I love this guy?
I hear my inner voice saying you love him more than you love yourself.
He's the one you'll pull out of a fire even if you burn your own self. He's the one you'll give all your last bites too and pretend you don't mind even when you hate doing it otherwise. He's the one you would wait for even though you've already given up on waiting for people in life. He's the only one you'll forgive even when he doesn't say sorry.
He's the one you'll grant the permission to take you for granted. He's the one who doesn't show emotions and you're gonna be fine with it even when you love people being vulnerable and expressive around you.
He's the one who wouldn't give you details about his life to you like you give him, and you wouldn't question him about it even if you really want to. He's the one you want in your life. He's the constant you never wanna change. You've found a friend in this man like none other. A friend you wanna keep forever.
He's your family that you chose. For you choose to see the good in him over his bads. You know this man is so much more than what he is at the moment. You know he has a heart of gold even he wants to pretend otherwise. And you know when you think of a future this is one friend who is standing beside you through it all. And more than that you wanna be that friend to him as well.
You wonder if you can be one ever.
He's the only one for whom your cold heart warms itself again.
With all these thoughts popping up, I smile to yourself and reply with a plain yes once again.
You smile your chinese-eyed smile and I get up to kiss you.
what if we weren't supposed to be whole?
what if our true nature
is to wax and wane,
revealing i turn
our utter emptiness,
our beautiful incompleteness ,
and our dazzling fullness?
what if ur crooked shape and sharp angles
could slice open the night sky,
spilling a thousand stories,
of starry-eyed surrender?
and what if i told you
that inside of you
there lived a magnificent moon
whose destiny was to wed the light and the dark?
tell me, would you still insist on
you're a celestial being, you're you, beautiful, incomplete, loveable, gorgeous, giving, surviving , living.
why act small when you can stand up tall?
You and I , sometimes seem like a blend of the real world and the fairy tale.
Sometimes real, other time philosophical. A clash of brutal truths, sheltered hearts, hopeless romance, social ideologies and a soul which found solace in each other. When we sit down in one of your moods, me soaking in your face with it's lines of laughter and alabaster skin and you, staring far away lost in your thoughts, questioning life..this is how the conversation looks like-
You say that everything is made up of atoms and molecules , I say everyone is made up of poems and stories.
You define "matter' as anything that occupies space and has mass but for me all that matters is the comfortable silence we share.
You quote Newton's law and say every action has an equal and opposite reaction, I say it's a fancy way of saying Karma is a bitch.
You talk about energy being neither created nor destroyed. I tell you about how we could learn all our lives and still die a student.
You tell me there is no darkness in the whole world. There is only presence of light and absence of it. I say the same for hatred. There is either presence of love or absence of it. You and I do not know how to hate.
I tell you about black holes, how real it is and how it sucks everything into it. You tell me the same about depression, about how real it was and how badly it sucked.
Now we skip to actually talking deep about quantum physics-how light is a particle and a wave. I reply with ecstasy , how we are a mixture of both happy and sad and how we will always be both.
You start wondering how the universe came into existence , how it started with a bang and will be reduced to a tiny point. I say two words to you. Life.Death. And everything-in between that.
You point out a shooting star and narrate how it is actually the death of a star. I say make a wish. I'm sure it works cuz my wish is currently sitting in front of me making faces at me.
You grin and point out that it was a lack of friction that made me fall the other day for you. I say it was that smile of yours, that damned smile, which made me fall head over heels.
You smile and say that you love me , I ask you if that attraction is due to gravity? You ask me to shut up and hug you back.
Philosophy over physics any day,eh love? :)
Some nights what keeps you up isn't the questions he didn't answer, but the questions that you never asked.
The day u fall in love.. is one of the best days of your life
Because it's the day you realize
I finally have the thing I need to be happy
And then.. You forget
So.. What happens next is..
Instead of waking up every morning and shouting "Somebody loves me!!!!!"
You start looking and thinking
"What do I want now?
What's the next thing I need to be happy?"
So.. You look and look, and you keep thinking you have found it but nothing works
And the reason that nothing works..
That hole in your heart that you are trying to fill
Is already filled
You just forgot..
Don't ever forget, always remember how much you wanted to be loved, and how much you are loved
And I think if you can do that, which isn't easy
You will stop looking and realize you already..are happy.
The problem is Him. When I'm with him..he consumes me.
People say you fall in love once.Movies show love can happen twice.Or maybe thrice or more.Falling in love is pointless,overrated and and painful.In the end,the worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them.It leaves with a hole in your life and a wall around your heart.But the time that we are in love? Love doesnt make the world go around,love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
When in love,Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that thereâ€™s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure thatâ€™s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.