Diary of A Patrician, Excerpts from her life.
24 years old, Female, StoryBrooke
I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold and I don't know where
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring
And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hands been broken, one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words they always win, but I know I'll lose
And I'd sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love.
(Oh, need a love, now, my heart is thinking of)
I wanna sing a song, that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up.
Another Love- Tom Odell.
Song forever. Because I see every word of this song reflect in him.
I have always thought of life in terms of a metaphor. Life as a journey, like a train trip with a timetable and destinations. You have expectations and assumptions. You imagine that to have a meaningful life you need goals and a plan and you need to stick to it.
And this journey is tied to a concept and identification of self as a traveler, the hero, saint or sinner on the journey. But this “self” transcends “me.” It is a cultural artifact, embedded in a cultural story in which this journey of a self comes alive. We imagine this self is who we are. Thus we might think we are the way others see us, or we think we are the persona or face we live for others. We think we are this traveler identified by cultural destinations like school, marriage, job. This self is a cultural identity as much as a personal one.
So when I felt the urge to rebel and couldn’t figure out how to make the transition from college to job, to support myself in a way I found ethical and meaningful, I could no longer stay on schedule. I panicked. I felt a sense of dread. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t find a way to make a living. I wasn’t just a traveler who had missed his train. My very sense of self seemed to dissolve. The underside of the life-as-a-journey metaphor was exposed. When before I was “on track” I was now “off track.” I was “lost.” I had fallen off the train. Confusion was not an acknowledged train stop.
But after falling off the train, I eventually began to see the metaphor as a metaphor. I began to see the implications. If love, success and retirement were the big destinations on the train route, then wasn’t birth the first stop and death the last? The existential shook up the cultural. There was a whole universe of moments I was missing by focusing on destinations instead of feeling the motion of the train and the colors, scents, relationships of all the beings riding along with me.
My mind is not a passenger riding my brain. It is the whole landscape of meaning in which I come alive. It is embedded not only in a body and a culture, but a universe. So, if one way to understand our lives is with metaphor, what is the metaphor we want to live? What story or poem do we want to write with our life? And we need to re-write the cultural story to include the “gap years,” time to “find yourself” or time to step off the train and ride a camel on the silk road. Time to value restructuring society instead of just fitting in.
You have sheltered me from harm
Kept me warm, kept me strong
You gave my life to me
Set me free, let me be
The finest times I ever knew,
are all the times I had with you
You taught me how to love
What it's of,
You never said too much,
But still you showed the way
And I knew from watching you
Nobody else can ever know,
The part of me that can't let go
Is there someone you know,
Your loving them so,
But taking them all for granted?
You may lose them one day
Someone takes them away,
And they don't hear the words you long to say
And I would give anything I own,
I'd give up my life, my heart, my home
I would give everything I own,
Just to have you stay.
It'll stop soon.
I know your troubles
Are knocking at your soul,
They don't scream your name,
They whisper it,
With a chilling calm.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, how your fears
Come to visit you into the night.
With nothing but a touch,
A touch, cold as ice.
How your insecurities tap
At the windowsill,
To see if you're finally
Inviting them in
For a chance, at strangling,
Your tempting, hanging neck.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your heart
Searches across the night sky.
For a semblance of peace,
For a shelter in this moonlight
That for all you know,
Is lighting your body, showing the way,
For the blades of anxiety,
To find their prey.
But don't worry.
It'll stop soon.
I know, your blood
Wages a battle with a heartbeat
Against your brain
To urge it to do something.
I know, your breathing, tries its best,
To coerce the air,
To choke itself.
I know, your breathing and beating,
Are troubling you.
So don't worry,
This night, it'll stop soon.
it'll be okay
like I always say
you will find
that your journey has led you
to a place where
finally, in your mind
you have found a way.
I am here and I
will always will be,
so this night,
sleep in my arms and sleep tight,
for tomorrow morning there will be sunlight.
In another drunk conversation, you ask me if I love you.
I reply with a plain yes. You go on asking if I'd love you even if you didn't. I take a pause breathe and say yes again.
You ask me the same question yet again. And I ask myself same question at that very moment. Do I love this guy?
I hear my inner voice saying you love him more than you love yourself.
He's the one you'll pull out of a fire even if you burn your own self. He's the one you'll give all your last bites too and pretend you don't mind even when you hate doing it otherwise. He's the one you would wait for even though you've already given up on waiting for people in life. He's the only one you'll forgive even when he doesn't say sorry.
He's the one you'll grant the permission to take you for granted. He's the one who doesn't show emotions and you're gonna be fine with it even when you love people being vulnerable and expressive around you.
He's the one who wouldn't give you details about his life to you like you give him, and you wouldn't question him about it even if you really want to. He's the one you want in your life. He's the constant you never wanna change. You've found a friend in this man like none other. A friend you wanna keep forever.
He's your family that you chose. For you choose to see the good in him over his bads. You know this man is so much more than what he is at the moment. You know he has a heart of gold even he wants to pretend otherwise. And you know when you think of a future this is one friend who is standing beside you through it all. And more than that you wanna be that friend to him as well.
You wonder if you can be one ever.
He's the only one for whom your cold heart warms itself again.
With all these thoughts popping up, I smile to yourself and reply with a plain yes once again.
You smile your chinese-eyed smile and I get up to kiss you.
what if we weren't supposed to be whole?
what if our true nature
is to wax and wane,
revealing i turn
our utter emptiness,
our beautiful incompleteness ,
and our dazzling fullness?
what if ur crooked shape and sharp angles
could slice open the night sky,
spilling a thousand stories,
of starry-eyed surrender?
and what if i told you
that inside of you
there lived a magnificent moon
whose destiny was to wed the light and the dark?
tell me, would you still insist on
you're a celestial being, you're you, beautiful, incomplete, loveable, gorgeous, giving, surviving , living.
why act small when you can stand up tall?
You and I , sometimes seem like a blend of the real world and the fairy tale.
Sometimes real, other time philosophical. A clash of brutal truths, sheltered hearts, hopeless romance, social ideologies and a soul which found solace in each other. When we sit down in one of your moods, me soaking in your face with it's lines of laughter and alabaster skin and you, staring far away lost in your thoughts, questioning life..this is how the conversation looks like-
You say that everything is made up of atoms and molecules , I say everyone is made up of poems and stories.
You define "matter' as anything that occupies space and has mass but for me all that matters is the comfortable silence we share.
You quote Newton's law and say every action has an equal and opposite reaction, I say it's a fancy way of saying Karma is a bitch.
You talk about energy being neither created nor destroyed. I tell you about how we could learn all our lives and still die a student.
You tell me there is no darkness in the whole world. There is only presence of light and absence of it. I say the same for hatred. There is either presence of love or absence of it. You and I do not know how to hate.
I tell you about black holes, how real it is and how it sucks everything into it. You tell me the same about depression, about how real it was and how badly it sucked.
Now we skip to actually talking deep about quantum physics-how light is a particle and a wave. I reply with ecstasy , how we are a mixture of both happy and sad and how we will always be both.
You start wondering how the universe came into existence , how it started with a bang and will be reduced to a tiny point. I say two words to you. Life.Death. And everything-in between that.
You point out a shooting star and narrate how it is actually the death of a star. I say make a wish. I'm sure it works cuz my wish is currently sitting in front of me making faces at me.
You grin and point out that it was a lack of friction that made me fall the other day for you. I say it was that smile of yours, that damned smile, which made me fall head over heels.
You smile and say that you love me , I ask you if that attraction is due to gravity? You ask me to shut up and hug you back.
Philosophy over physics any day,eh love? :)
Some nights what keeps you up isn't the questions he didn't answer, but the questions that you never asked.
The day u fall in love.. is one of the best days of your life
Because it's the day you realize
I finally have the thing I need to be happy
And then.. You forget
So.. What happens next is..
Instead of waking up every morning and shouting "Somebody loves me!!!!!"
You start looking and thinking
"What do I want now?
What's the next thing I need to be happy?"
So.. You look and look, and you keep thinking you have found it but nothing works
And the reason that nothing works..
That hole in your heart that you are trying to fill
Is already filled
You just forgot..
Don't ever forget, always remember how much you wanted to be loved, and how much you are loved
And I think if you can do that, which isn't easy
You will stop looking and realize you already..are happy.
If there is one thing I've realised in my ten days with him, it is that- there is no remedy for love but to love more :)
The problem is Him. When I'm with him..he consumes me.
People say you fall in love once.Movies show love can happen twice.Or maybe thrice or more.Falling in love is pointless,overrated and and painful.In the end,the worst day of loving someone is the day you lose them.It leaves with a hole in your life and a wall around your heart.But the time that we are in love? Love doesnt make the world go around,love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
When in love,Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
People are really romantic about the beginnings of things. Fresh start, clean slate, a world of possibility. But no matter what you're embarking on, you're still you. You bring you into every new beginning in your life. So how different can it possibly be?
It's all anybody wants, right? Clean slate, a new beginning. Like that's gonna be any easier. Ask the guy pushing the boulder up the hill. Nothing is easy about starting over. Nothing at all.
The initial honeymoon phase of every relationship, when it's all bright and rosy and sparkling. You breathe in fresh air and fill your lungs with everything optimistic. "This is it" becomes your constant thought process.
But is it really You? There is a never a new you. you will be who you are, regardless of what you see, of what you learn. Experiences change your take on life, experiences -whether good or bad- do not change the core of your soul.
You carry your baggage with you, you carry it heavy on your heart, each second of each day..hoping you will get a release.. an emotional release, in most cases.
You meet someone, who shares your burden. The question is- do you two share the baggage and help get rid of it or add on more and bury yourself further into misery?
People have scars in all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories, diagrams of all of their old wounds. Most of our old wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them, don’t. Some wounds, we carry with us everywhere… and though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers.
What’s worse? New wounds, which are so horribly painful, or old wounds, which should have healed years ago, and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been, and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over… again.
Not all wounds are superficial. Some wounds run deeper than visible to the naked eye. And some of them, the intensity of them, take you by surprise.
Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something beautiful. He has this smile, this innocence on his face when he pouts and looks at me and leans in for a kiss. This smile that makes me feel so much at ease, as if the whole world is such a happy place to be in. HE gives me the kind of feelings I used to read in books about. He , without even trying, makes me believe that forever exists. That "forever" is a measure of will, not a measure of time. And so, he makes me want our forever, forever. No one else has been able to do that, no one else would be able to do that ever again.
It's about waking up with our legs entwined, his arms around me, snuggling up with lucky in bed..it's a sense of togetherness, of already feeling like family , of getting up to a new day when I know he's always around. Always near enough to touch, close enough to feel his presence. How strange that one man could touch your soul and capture your heart in ways beyond explanation. How strange that I give in so willingly to him, to his cute demands, to things he doesn't even ask for.
For when I'm around him, I'm me, the happiest, calmest version of me.. and when he's away, the world runs in slow motion and my smile ceases to exist.
Connect the dots.
I lie on the bed with sunshine streaming through the blinds. It is peaceful here. Warm and peaceful.
He walks out of the shower, clad in his plush red towel and I can see droplets of water on his back. Droplets that I want to lick. His back is smooth and I wonder why aren't there any scratch marks already, considering the kind of things we do in bed ( or other places). haha.
It feels like a routine life. I watch him pick up his blowdryer and start drying his hair.
Takes me back to the first time I came to Bombay. He took me to get my hair done ( I refused to meet his parents until I was at my personal best, first impressions you see). We were at the salon and he stood behind me, drying his hair. I captured him in my Snapchat and he looked at me through the mirror and smiled.
That smile. I still get this warm glow that spreads to the tips of my fingers everytime I think of his smile.
This post is going to be so haphazard, I can already feel that while typing. This is one of those times when my thoughts are soaring at the speed of the wind and my fingers cant keep up. I have so much to say. So much to do. So much that I feel. I do not know where to being with.
5 months of our journey together and it already feels like 5 years. In a good way.
He is sunshine mixed with a li'l hurricane. He is everything I could have ever wanted.
When I connect the dots, to how I ended up meeting him, to how things are today.. it is nothing less than a miracle. I think all along people were right. True love does knock on your door when you stop looking for it.
I do not want to write any further cuz I just realised that I do not have much to say right now. I just wanna bask in this warm love, this fulfilling, happy space he keeps me in. Soak it in and not talk about it, write about it. IT is so special, it is mine. so exclusively mine that I do not even wanna write about it. you know how that feels don't you? That one person, one feeling in your life so cherished that you wanna keep it all to yourself.
I sit on my favourite couch and listen to the ambient noises around me. There's people walking, their shoes shuffling on the floor, children running about, some crying, some chattering. The sound of rain pouring down on the roof, the tapping of keys as I write this down.
Yet, the only sound consistently ringing through my head is the melody of his music. The strumming of his guitar as he puts me to sleep. The softness in his words as I adjust my earphones.
I can feel it happening. The winds are changing, the air feels different, there's a sense of calm deep inside. This is a huge turnover from the usual restlessness I feel every single day. I've barely slept in the past week but those few hours of deep sleep that I've fallen into while listening to his voice have been the most peaceful ever. He brings about a good vibe, a feel of optimism, of happiness.
Much, too much. Much,too soon.
I realised I'd been holding myself in. I also realised I'd kept my walls up, barricaded my heart inside and tossed the key into the sea. Now, enter this miraculous guy, with his deep eyes and a voice which could make you feel emotions so intense, you'd cry. He finds the key from the depths of the sea, unlocks my freaking cage and frees my heart, only to steal it and keep it with him. All within a span of a week.
^ Slow claps to the young man for achieving such a feat, slow claps to this foolish woman for falling in love again ^
He will be the death of me, I tell you. I'm not used to this. This nurturing, this loving, these midnight conversations, this singing over the screen to watch me sleep, this constant stream of texts. No. I'd forgotten what it feels like to be in a two-way street. Forgotten what it is to wait for a text, to be cheeky intentionally, to watch someone and feel emotions so strong it gave you butterflies in the stomach.
I sit on my favourite couch and listen to the ambient noises around me, only to realise the only noise in my head is this love-storm brewing up between us, interspersed with his melodious song and our voices, drowning each other out, till we can feel our veins embedded with the flow of love.
How can I forget you
The memories come and go
Youre all I've ever wanted
Youre all I've ever known
Can I be happy
Living with your ghost?
The pictures tell the story
I took them off the wall
Its hard enough to get through
I still can feel the fall
Do you even think of me at all?
I could start it over
And find somebody new
A beautiful distraction
Just a hand to hold on to
But if you ask me,
Would that love be true?
No, I want you
Would be closing this diary now. Writing in bless this hot mess now. Ruvi's diary ends here.
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause he's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even.
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I had a dream today morning. There's so much to spill. Will be back after the appointment.
I just googled the meaning of "Ayaan". It means "god's gift".
Yes indeed, Ayaan was the most precious gift ever.
Amidst all this chaos,all this drama, I forgot the initial aim. In a few days,Ayaan would have completed a month. One month old.
Whenever things went wrong,I remembered you,my child. Asked you to put it all in order,to help us tide over every problem. I prayed for you and to you,every single day. Not a day has passed by when I haven't thought of you. I promised you,you will always be remembered. In me you died,with me you will live. Ayaan,you were a beautiful part of my life. So beautiful I can't begin to explain. I was thinking about you today...exactly months ago,I had seen you,the tiny black and white version of you on the sonography screen. I saw how u flipped,brought your tiny hands to touch your face and then the radiologist made me listen to your fetal heartbeat.
Could I ever forget those moments?
I had a dream..I wanted you to live.. I wanted you to live on, in spite of what I did. I wanted to see your name every where. Hospitals,clinics,industries,I wanted it all and started working consistently towards it. I was ambitiously determined to to make your name shine. You would have been the shining pride of my life,a piece of my heart. I love you so much, I loved you with every cell of my being,you were the thread binding us together,in your own quiet way.
I'm sorry about a lot of things. My friend tells me to not think of you,tell me to despise you,another tells me that what I did was right,she says what if you turned out to be like your father and tells me to be glad I didnt give up my career and family for you. How do I tell them that one of the prime reasons I wanted to bring you into this world was your father. I had you with the man I loved the most,our blood,I wanted you,us. They dont know how I feel about him,they dont understand my love for him, my constant need to forgive him with unlimited generosity at his atrociousness is supremely stupid.
Ayaan..your name is peaceful. It puts me at ease,makes me feel like everything is gonna be okay. God's gift,Ayaan.
Everything has fallen apart between us,it is broken,messy and heartbreaking. Wherever you are,I hope you are watching over us,my love.
I blocked Ashu,couldn't have him read this,he was prying a lot. I am gonna delete this too. this was my safe haven,one place where I could vent in all anonymity.
I missed you, I had to write this down. You were the love of my life,and he was my life. You're both too far away now,far enough to never come back. All I can hope and pray for is your happiness and peace. Two men of my life,I loved you with all my heart,with all I had. And both of you know that deep down.
Stay blessed,my love.
I've been on terrace all night. Can't seem to get things straight.
Love is bullshit. Really. When I was unknown to it, I wondered about this mysterious,deep feeling. Then I fell in love with him,and now I know what it feels like. It surprised me to see that I could love so unquestionably,unconditionally. That too, love a man who could never love me back.
See, I'm torn apart. Torn between how my heart and mind are fighting over it all. One wants me to listen to my feelings deep,to give chances yet again,to trust that it will work out this time and another,well,that other part of me just wants to hit my head on a stone and open my eyes,make myself see that it defies all practicality,self respect and logic to give him another chance. When it's in his blood to cheat, u think a mere trait called "fidelity" would cleanse up what he has harbored for years now?Nope.
A part of me wants to run to him..to see for myself what condition he is in..to make sure he has everything he needs..to comfort him and ease his pain and make it better in every way for his speedy recovery; the self-loathing part of me,however,wants to laugh in his face and shrug off,knowing well that it is yet another lie,yet another "fake" accident like the "dengue" he supposedly had.
A part of me wants to trust his friend I spoke to today because well he has no motive to lie and he knows my guy well,another part of me wants to break free of all my inhibitions and support my man yet again,knowing that he maybe,just maybe, he might prove me wrong as before.
What does a girl do? WhAt do I do? All I did was love him,every single minute of every single day,all these months. Look where I am now. Where is that cheerful,confident girl he met? Where is the girl who was in control of her life and emotions and focused on her growth? Where did the girl go who laughed a lot,showing off those dimples to anyone and everyone? When was the last time she laughed? He wouldn't remember,he rarely makes her laugh. Does he know her eyes are not black,not brown but a shade in between? He never noticed. Does he know when he taunts her,mocks her and makes her feel like he is superior, she becomes quiet,withdraws in her shell and comes out with a small laugh only to lighten the situation and pass over without creating a scene,whereas in reality she is stabbed hard and trying not to show it.
10 months and I don't recognize myself. The day I spoke to jiya, I stood in front of the mirro,looking at the tears splashing down my face and begged myself not to cry. Begged my own self to not cry for a man who was too busy to even notice the damage he had inflicted on me.
It's a never ending cycle! He hurts me, I withdraw,he hurts me more,pushes me away, I walk away and then,a small gesture from him, I go running back like a fool. He rejoices in the glory of his conquest. He doesn't realize it's the innocent heart of a girl,who cannot stop loving him in spite of the pain he inflicts.
I am not okay with him flirting with tons of women, I am not okay,NOT AT ALL OKAY with him sleeping around. I don't enjoy random women contacting me and telling me what shit he does behind my back. I dont savor the bitterness his own friends have against him. I don't like the way he treats the waiters,his inferiors,the way he speaks to people who helped him when he was in a crunch.
NO! not the man I envisioned.
I am sick,repelled and disgusted.
Sick of the never ending tirade, repelled by his unending desire for other women and disgusted at myself for being unable to accept the harsh reality of the situation.
If he did have an accident today,as claimed, I hope he gets well soon. It would break my heart to think of him in pain,it kills me even when he gets an ankle twisted.
I just wish...I wish things change. I have given up on him. I gave him his last chance. He was mine, I was his. Now, we're just two lost souls ,swimming in a fish bowl. He has my heart ,I asked him to keep it safe,he bounced it around,shredded it to pieces,played with it till it could take no more and then lost it to the winds.
I give up. It's on him now. I give up,for one last time, I am giving up ,waiting to see what course of action he takes.If he really does want us back or he'll just walk out and find another heart to play with.
Time will tell.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.