18 years old, Female, Mauritius
I'm in Love, with the impossible.
I was looking at myself in the mirror and i was like "Who the hell is this girl ?"
I've got a problem with myself these days. I mean, i have some difficulties when it comes to define myself..
Am i a good girl pretending to be bad, or a badgirl pretending to be good ? I'm hell confused and i'm sure that those who will read this will say "That girl is hell complicated". Me think so too.
I don't know what kind of person i am really. I live in a world with different kind of people and so act differently each time.
With my friends, i'm the kind who pretend that she isn't afraid of anything, the kind who can handle everything, but deep inside i'm always afraid.
At home, i pretend to be the kind of girl who many people likes, when actually i'm lonely all the time.
At work, i'm like a little innocent girl, they think i'm still a child, but they don't know that i've done things a child isn't suppose to do and that i can be monster if i want to.
So, i closed my eyes.. and think .
"It's funny but i don't see one of these girls i pretend to be, but i see a little girl of 9 years old who is running with a soccer ball all around the garden with a bright smile on her face.
And there she is running and yelling to the World that one day she will be a Great Lady. She is so confident, determined, happy and brillant, so beautiful, so full of dreams. This girl don't need high heels or a beautiful dress for others to see her. Her old jeans and her smile were enough. They liked her sense of humour, her vitality and the way she believed in herself."
Then, still in front of the mirror, i opened my eyes. The 9 year old girl isn't here anymore. There is just a lost girl with messy hair.
I believe in God, I believe in Miracles. I believe in destiny, I believe in karma. I believe that i'll end my life eating chocolates, i believe in abnormal things, beacause i'm not normal myself.
No really, i don't understand myself anymore. And no one does. I'm actually thinking about seeing a psychologist.. maybe he can help me understand and control my emotions.. or maybe not !
Well let just say that i'm a Limited Edition .
(see, i've just said something stupid)
And i'm still wondering if there is any guy on this damn planet who can put up with me ?!
Hell no, me think so !
Well i think i should stop writing, I've drink a bit too much actually .
In 365 days, 300 days i'm very sad, 30 days i'm happy and 35 days i pretend to be..
I'm surrounded by people who has everything.. Success, Beauty, Intelligence, Pleasant Personality, A house for themselves, A true Family, Love and lots of friends..
So 300 days a year, there are so many things that remind me that i'm such a failure, an unwanted person and a total loss case.
So why do i continue to fight ? because i have hope that one day i'll prove to those people they were wrong about me.. but i guess its nearly impossible .
I'n not so courageous and strong.. i pretend to be.. but i'm scared, always scared.
Actually, the best moment of my days are the nights.. when i'm alone in my bed. There's just me and my tears. Always me and my tears.
It's funny how i end up closing my eyes and say to myself "Its ok, you'll be fine" just before falling asleep.
But nothing is "ok" !
I'm tired of people and situations that remind me that i'm not so damn beautiful, a loving and brave person.
I'm me ! I'm weird ! i look "ok" ! I'm a lonely person ! I'm different ! I'm complicated ! I'm sad..
It has been a long time since my last visit. Its just that i am very busy working these days and i don't really have time for myself.
These days i feel even more lonely. Everybody around me seems to have someone to love and who love them in return; a friend, a family, a lover..
Well, my friends are far away, i don't have family members left and i never really had a lover. I'm on my own, working to save enough money to pay the university's fees and beside all these part time i have the life of a woman with 2 children. I don't even recognise myself anymore.
Where i am going ? What do i do ? i feel like i'm about to give up but then i'll give everyone a chance to prove me they were right.
Its never easy for me, Never. I don't even get what i want nor what i need.
So here i am lonely as usual even if i'm surrounded by so many people that i try to keep happy.
I just figure out, I need Love too.
It's a crazy night
And i'm in my bath
My heart got an arguement with my mind.
It's about him, always about him.
My heart wants more of him and my mind don't want it soon.
Tell me how do i do ? how do i do ?
And my heart goes on, goes on yelling that it wants him.
But my mind goes on, goes on yelling that's too soon.
Well i'm like a fool, in my bathroom trying to figure evruthing i should not do..
here goes my mind, trying to find out a plan to discourage my heart.
So i will take advantage of these few moments of freedom to let my heart, Say out loud how much it wants him...
this is what have been thinking about actually...
While everybody keep on saying " Don't worry, it's just that you haven't meet the right person yet." You always come up with some kind of arguements that make me have second thoughts about love.
Well, okay. I'm only 18 and yet i haven't had any 'true' relationships with someone. i know i keep on saying that i want to enjoy my freedom while i'm still young but deep inside, i want passion and love, something true, something strong and moreover exciting. You are truly aware of that but keep pretending you are not.
And again, you keep saying to me "Because your friends are in love in some serious relationships, you want one too ? It's not about them ,it's about you. Stop wanting what they have."
And then, i just keep silent but deep inside i want to yell "I don't care. I want to fall in love, i want to know what love is because honestly i don't feel normal being a kind of person who doesn't know how to love and what it is!"
Why do i keep silent ?
i keep silent because i know you are truly aware of what i want to answer you. You know me by heart and somehow you are afraid as i am. you've been betraved by the woman you once loved and falling in love again has become your nightmare.
Indeed it is a very long journey but by the end of the day, i'll know you same as you know me.
After all, you'll fall in love again and again, maybe not with me but you'll fall.
You maybe my best friend but we won't be forever alone together!
I don't really know where to start, because there's so many topics that need to be discuss..
There's Me, friends, love, Family, etc..
So i guess i should write about everything that comes across my mind..
For right now, there is nothing special ( Actually, my inspiration comes only at night, when i'm in my bed).
So i'll see you later then,
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.