The days that were and weren't
23 years old, Female, India
Yesterday, I watched the movie Tamasha. I had heard pretty mixed reviews about it so it seemed that I would like it. And I did.
The movie is a bit chunky in its storytelling, with things coming up abruptly, but I think that is sort of intentional. The best part about the movie was that it isn't a love story as depicted in the trailers. Far from that, actually.
Ranbir has outdone himself and given a brilliant performance. Deepika, ofcourse is at the top of her game.
So the story goes like this- Tara meets this guy who a happy go lucky character and falls for him. Since they had vowed to never meet again or keep in touch, she leaves after sleeping with him. Years pass by and she has still not forgotten him. This is perhaps the most accurate description of falling in love I have seen. You don't sit down and cry (only sometimes). You don't stop your life. You don't drop everything and look for the person. You keep moving on your path- only this time there is someone with you. You feel them around you- its amazing what sort of tricks our mind is capable of generating.
I'll write rest of the plot later. Ciao.
So the plan to write did not work and I had to consult a psychologist. I am quite sure I am losing my mind, the way things are going. It felt better at first, as I found somebody on whom I can depend. But then, as the time passed, I realized its not helping. I had a chance to go abroad which made me really happy but all those are temporary solutions, right?
Today I was in a temple and I all I asked for was some peace before I lose it. When I came home, I sat down to pray and after years started chanting. I felt as if somebody hugged me and was almost close to tears. It was such a relief to feel so close to one's soul.
I could not write yesterday as I was busy. Work came up at the last moment and I had to stay up late doing it. I guess for once, there were no errors there. :)
I think its best to write on a daily basis. I had thought I would write about yesterday today but somehow I cannot recall stuff. Clearly, the state of mind changes the way we perceive things. What is important today will be trivial tomorrow.
I was feeling so weak today again. After a visit to the doctor which confirmed I am not terminally ill, I am wondering what I have to do. During the day, I did some office work, lazed around, watched House of Cards and waited for The Man's texts. Following up with my aim to be less clingy, I have decided not to text him unless it is something important. I have a feeling that this is not going to work out well because then I will be frustrated waiting for his messages but let's see.
He was out with a girl for half a day today and though I do not believe myself to be the jealous type, it felt weird. In our 2 years of relationship, this is the first time he has gone out with somebody like this. I have never stopped him from making friends- in fact I feel that being with has sort of isolated him and I try to tell him that its not healthy. But then, he did not take out time to speak to me and that pinched. I know in some later fight I will blurt this out and it will be a huge issue- its not even fair. Hope that I am able to handle this better than the earlier stuff because it's not his fault.
I did not study at all though, which is really bad considering that its a lot of money at stake. I keep telling myself I will make up for this but it never happens.
Mom is still getting bouts of anger- she just ranted about how I don't eat. This time, I didn't even respond. There is no point- I will say something stupid and it will escalate into something major as always.
It was one of my friends' birthday but I didn't attend the party due to bad health.
I like this anonymity. Its...refreshing. Strangely, my closest friends are the online friends- we barely have anything in common and yet the amount of detail they know about me- I doubt anyone else does. I do take pride in being a snob who does not associate freely with people and internet has a way of connecting you with the ones you would really like. I like this thing about it.
I have wasted almost 3 GB of office data for personal use. Hope they do not throw me out for it. I am also wondering about asking Boss to send me to some other office for a couple of months. It would feel good, to be away. To be missed maybe. At times, you need to move a little back to appreciate what all you have.
Then there is post grad. I am so worried about MBA entrances and all that jazz- failure is looming and I don't know what to do about it. Although the current goal is to clear June exam, which in itself is going to be very hard.
Lets close this for today. I will come back to ramble if something else comes up. I can keep typing like this for lifetime- without a reason, a thought or even a pause. I know there is no flow in this kind of writing, which makes it so relaxing.
Goodbye, writers block you bitch :D
It was such a weird day today. I wouldn't say bad because I was sort of basked in attention and slept away the whole day. Not calling it a bad day also makes me some sort of attention seeking teenager, but hey, the whole point of this daily writing exercise is to accept the unacceptable facts about myself.
So coming back to the day, I fainted today on my way to the office. It takes me about an hour to reach my office by the train and just as I arrived at my destination station (thankfully it wasn't some other), I stumbled out and collapsed. As I sat under the escalator to avoid people clamoring over me and stamping me to death, an old man and a staff lady came to help me out. She made me sit in a wheelchair and wheeled me to their office. After having some water, I left for my office, from where I came back about an hour later in a cab. My boyfriend was worried and very nice to me, which was sweet. My mother, however had a mini heart attack and she conjured up all sorts of scenarios to imagine the worse. Now she is not speaking to me for not eating and calling her when this happened and I have no clue what to do.
Apart from that, I just slept more than I thought I could and finally feeling better. Menstrual cramps will be the death of me someday. Why is this system highly inefficient?
In other news, my boyfriend (let's call him The Man, for future references- subject to change based on my mood) was suddenly worried if I was sad. He doesn't usually do this, you know. Sending me texts to ask if am emotionally fine because being a guy, its natural instinct for him to avoid emotional showdowns. And resisting the temptation to lie outrageously, I just said I will be fine once health improves. Which is, sort of true.
The thing is that he accused me of being overly clingy a couple of days back (classic gf- bf feuds, I know) and I have realized he is right. I do need to go back to control my urges of contacting him whenever I feel like. A part of me does feel that I am NOT overly clingy, but how does it matter if your spouse doesn't think so. After all, results count, no?
So I made this excel tracker (being in finance gives you this instinct to run to MS Excel whenever faced with a problem) where I calculate a daily score based on my behavior. So the idea is to start controlling the actions and slowly trickle down to feelings. So my daily maximum score is 3. One point is for not getting angry. One point is for not being angry over attention. One point is for not fighting. So for example, if I am angry over the fact that he did not call me but manage to control and end it there without fighting with him, I get 2 points. If I am angry that he did not take his medicines, I lose a point for getting angry but since this is not attention seeking, the second category point is not lost. At the end of every month, I will prepare a monthly summary of the points (need to figure out an automated formula for it, its supposed to be pretty simple) and then treat myself. The point is, self improvement is necessary for existence. And we HAVE to figure it out ourselves if we cannot spend a lot on psychologists.
Now I am going back to work. It feels good, writing here. This diary is also a part of Seek Less Attention Program. Alright, I am seeking attention in the virtual world instead of real, but that's okay. Itna to chalta hai. The objective is to let my feelings out without being dependent on anyone as its a task for the other person to bear your nonsense. It is like talking to the screen, which is cool because I can hear my voice speaking all this in a really cool accent.
I am open to making non- creepy friends, love to talk and am generally very busy. Do talk to me as I need it (only here would I be so damn honest about it). Hope this plan works out.
Own a diary. Keep note of what is going on in your life. It would be amazing to look at it few years down the line. Or, you can have a diary of your imagination. A life you want to live. Note down what your character will be doing each day. Live a different life. You can keep it personal. Create one now. You'll love this concept. Login to create new.