My thoughts overflow and I feel stupid, staring at this blank page, slowly filling it with the black symbols, which when combined, can absorb me. I bleed on paper, virtually at times and literally at times. It is very difficult to convert it all into words, when all those feelings, suck on you like parasites, pressurize your brain to burst up and force you to do something you never wanted to do. Today I sit in front of my laptop to confess and to lessen few pounds from the burden I carry. Maybe you could help me more, maybe you could show me the way, or maybe you won’t care enough to read after this very line. The shit is boring.
It has been a long time since I broke up with the love of my life and I am supposedly single, rather alone. I had a very close friend of mine who helped me emotionally at times to clear off my mind, and I, carrying an attitude of gratitude, did the same with her. We both shared almost every story we came across. Staying thousand miles apart, we could share a spotless and pure friendship. I am a Muslim guy and she, a Hindu girl.
It all started when she came to my city for internship. It was a normal day and we decided to go for a movie. It was late after the movie, so she stayed back in my flat. We are three friends who stay together in a rented flat. She asked me to sleep in the same room as she was afraid of sleeping alone. I prepared the bed for her while I put my mattress on the floor beside her bed. We lied down talking to each other, holding hands and discussing god knows what. I looked up to her face, while she looked down at me. I stood up and lied down beside her on the bed.
“What are you doing?” she asked me softly.
“No one ever hugs me.” I said
She turned around and hugged me. I felt strange but was aroused. I climbed over her and kissed on her neck. She tried to get me off, but I held her tight and then she stopped resisting.
“Don’t do it!” I stopped and got down to my mattress. She held my hand and pulled me up to lie beside her. Hugging each other, we slept.
Next day she came again. Things went ahead, and even more. We didn't have sex but we spent nine nights in each others arms. We did everything apart from losing our virginity.
She went back to her place, and then begun the calls and fights. She cried and blamed me for all that happened. She told me that she felt like a slut. She cut her hands, her health went down and she spent each night crying and cursing me. I tried consoling her from my side and we ended up promising each other that we will be together till the time we can.
In a months time, it became suffocating. She was too possessive and always remained depressed while I tried to exhilarate her. She called me at nights that she is feeling bad and thus she has cut her hands. I did not know how to handle the situation. I tried to scare her, to love her, to care for her but it was of no use so I started avoiding her a bit. And then one day, I told her that I can’t be with her anymore.
It felt as if the world is over for her. She stopped eating, studying and every other thing. She cried day and night. Her marks fell, scars embellished her hands of which she gave me the news every now and then. She cried and cursed me on phone and asked me to come back. I don’t have a heart of stone, so I said that we will be together again. In a days span, things changed back to normal which was not so normal. I was certain, I did not love her.
It was the time when I met a girl from my college. I fell for her the first day. She was not very beautiful, but there was something in her that made me send her a request on Facebook. We started talking and in a few days time, we became friends. I asked her out, but she refused. After little effort, she agreed to go out with me for lunch. In a few days time, we became very good friends. She knew that I liked her a lot but she never reacted to it. She just played it safe. I was falling for her everyday.
Now, I sit here and write about the situation as a guilty person.. I know I don’t love the first girl, and I don’t have any future with her. She is coming for internship again and this time she wants to stay closer to me. I don’t want to repeat the same thing but I can’t say no as she will spoil her career. On the other hand, I like this other girl too much but I don’t have any future with her as well. We are very good friends now. I am not able to stay away from her, while she never responds to that part of my feelings. I know I have done wrong, but I don’t know what else could I have done. I don’t know what to do now.
Phew. That was shit, but shit happens, sometimes all the time. If you could gain the courage to read till here, please gain a bit more and tell me, what should I do? My heart does not respond anymore and my mind is numb. But you are smart. With your fine sense of judgement, and intelligence, please help me.