“For better or for worse it’s over. I don’t want to look back again.”
I said this line to myself on my way back to home from PTM. Everything was wrong. I don’t know, I can’t explain it but it was wrong. Just because…………....Just because I felt so.
I felt I was not myself. Someone else was living my life. For that time someone else was me or I was someone else.
I all started with the summative assessment-1. Yes, I know I was appearing for the board paper for the first time. And the result was disastrous. But not only mine. Whole class did miserably. I could justify this to only a handful of people but not all.
We had our Durga Puja vacations for a span of 12 days. I was enjoying a lot but at the same time was also tensed about the PTM. I was confused whether it would have been better if the time stopped there forever or it flew past so quickly that before I realized the PTM got over. However time unaware of my desires remained moving at constant acceleration.
18th October was my PTM. I had spent my 17th night miserably crying all night and I cried so much that on 18th morning my pillow was completely wet. I kept counting the hours left 5....4...3...2...1...and 0.
My reaction was moderate throughout the PTM. After sitting in the car I looked at my report card. It was bad but not as worse as I had thought but it was bad. No one said a word on the way back.
After reaching home I rushed to the pond nearby and sat on the bank staring foolishly at the coconut trees which had grown at the vicinity of the pond. Soon Deeksha came and sat beside me.
“Hey, Gayatri. See I have brought your favorite ice cream- Choco bar.”
“How did you know that I am here?”
“See I know that this time the exam was a disaster for everyone. You must be sad. When you are sad you sit beside this pond. So this way I tracked your position without a GPS. Now the ice cream will melt.”
“Some people eat to live. You live to eat.”
“I know. Are you sad?”
“You have always been the topper of the class. How would you know how it feels to get fewer marks?”
“ You think I don’t know. I have also done miserably this term.”
“But you look so happy?”
“ I have learnt a lot. My marks have taught me more than my books.”
“See first thing is that don’t expect. If you expect you will feel disappointed.”
“But expectation is natural.”
“I know just look at the question paper and say that you have done your best. What ever marks you will get you will accept it. Second is to be satisfied.”
“What if I get 10/100 one day? How will I be satisfied?”
“You have to admit that you have not done it deliberately. You have to go back and analyze where it went wrong? See you can not alter your marks so than crying isn’t it better to accept it and be satisfied so that you can gradually move ahead and try to do better.”
”Third is to learn. Just see the mistakes and instead of justifying it look and correct yourself because you are the best person to correct yourself.”
“Yes. No doubt you are so happy.”
“Yes, I am. Come on go home and think. And stop being so gloomy. I like the smiling Gayatri the most.”
“Hmm.............. Ok Deeksha. Are you coming tonight? To tell this to Ma all this.”
“No, Gayatri. This all is for self satisfaction. First you have to be satisfied. No one is more important than you.”
“Thank you Deeksha. I am feeling better.”
This took me back to my starting line “For better or for worse it’s over. I don’t want to look back again.” I want to look back, at my mistakes. To laugh at them, to correct and most importantly to learn from them. We make mistake and learn from them. The day we stop making mistake we stop to learn.
And it is important to look back. To know what is wrong, what is right. To realize how far have I come and to have confidence in how far I can go.
Thanks to Deeksha, I am feeling much better and now thank god everything is fine ,back to normal.