Sherlock Holmes says, "Work is the best antidote to sorrow, Mrs.Hudson."
I did this to myself. When 9-6 job did not do any good, I started freelancing in after hours.
I tangled myself in the chain of work, sleep and food. I cut my hair to avoid unnecessary attention. After some time I realized I was dead inside and then I travelled to feel life again. I made new friends. I breathed in open air. I touched the snow. I felt the fire. I wandered in the forest so dark. I climbed the peaks so high. I spent nights under the sky with the moon and the stars. I let myself go wild. I welcomed every soul to enjoy my craziest of jokes. I came closer to nature. I appreciated the beauty. Mountains became my ultimate attraction. But guess what? I was blindly moving very fast with the wrong people in the wrong direction. I was hoping that I would heal. However, I felt lost and I became vulnerable. I couldn't judge people. I couldn't reflect upon myself. And then I was hit hard by Hepatitis A.
After emotional breakdown, now was the time of physical breakdown. All my adventurous plans came to halt. This was the worst period of my life. I couldn't walk, felt so weak, lost much weight and became so pale. But I was happy for a reason. I had asked Allah to wash away my sins and He rewarded me with a disease. I felt helpless and dependent. I was socially cut off from the society and friends. But, I felt closer to Allah and this satisfied me. I knew this was a blessing in disguise.
I thought I needed nothing else form life except a few more trips to far off mountains. I had lost interest in everyone. I misunderstood myself as I realized that all that was a protection mechanism or some kind of an escape. My true emotions remained suppressed for long. People tell me that I don't have any ego, and I should show some self respect towards my self. Shouldn't I show some mercy to my soul? I am sorry to find out how I am unable to let go of my purest of feelings. I had loved someone with the bottom of my heart. And now it seems as if he took away that piece of my heart as he left. This is the reason why I kept rejecting everyone else. They can't return to me what I've lost. I am unable to love anyone but him.
I feel like crazy, desperate and weird. I should have never stopped writing. Writing and traveling are my ways of coping with grief and pain. But it seems nothing works in the case of lost love. I stopped writing because the more I write, the more I think hard about life; the more I feel the loss, the loneliest I feel. But I guess this is better than talking to people who don't give a damn to whatever you are going through. I need to learn to keep my things to myself, no matter how hard the time is or happy I actually feel. Yes, I am expressive becuase I don't want to take slightest of a chance to loose you. I don't believe in ego or hesitation when it comes to you.
It seems like a long and exhausting journey of my soul passing through the stations of craziness, happiness, grief, loss, love and pain. I wonder why I am unable to reach "hatred" yet. May be I am not a person who is born to hate.
For 4 years I had been shielding myself. It seems all in vain now. For I never opened my heart for anyone else. Instead I put it to rest. And then suddenly, I found myself crying for you again. Isn't it foolish?
May be you were there just to teach me the value of love. I took things for granted. I feel more humble and thankful now. I am not rigid anymore, except that I won't just lean on to anyone else. It's the nature I run towards to bury my feelings and memories. I think I have to dig deeper and burn the bridges so I am not pulled back by the things (however sweet) that give me nothing but pain.
Yes, Sherlock is indeed right. Work is the best distraction. At the end of the day I will feel empty, but work will make me tired enough to pay any attention to my shallowness.
I have lost power over words
I am hunted by my emptiness
The brighter I smile
I look like pieces of a soul so fragile
Shattered are my fantasies
Broken are my wings
Still, I hold the love so deep
May be fading away is the mechanism to keep
I thought to fly so high
But, you stole my sky
All my stars turned into tears
All my fears became realities
I will wait for the moment
When you return or my love is burnt
Let's continue writing. May be I can restore my senses.