It's when I wake up in the last minute. I run for office without masturbating. So today, I'm pressure cookered with sex. I'm sexually very sensitive. I'm my... glans.
I board the bus.
Today every feeble feminine stimulus carries the potential to unsettle me. When a stray strand of hair in my lap gives me erection, thinking how it would hang from her head to her butt crack (the girl sitting besides me). Thinking how, this could be the only black thing besides the pubic hair on her white body. When the percieved smell of her conditioner gives me goosebumps and I forget the crowd around me.
I reach the office
When a faint sweet voice in the office, somewhere nearby, doesn't let me concentrate on the computer screen. When I want to take the same seat, a beautiful lady with juicy buttocks has just left. When a fleeting look at a girl's beautiful finger wants me to suck them. I wonder if they are made up of light. When a shiny nose tip wants me to give it a wet kiss. When a girl with big breasts runs to pick up the phone, but it's I who becomes breathless.
When one's 30 and never had sex, these images can rock the serenity of the mind. These images play blender blades inside my jelly brain. When I see a girl and my penis goes hard, but can't do anything about it, because my apartment is far. I feel like crying.
Neither I can marry because my salary is meagre, nor I can manupilate females to fall in 'love' and then use them and throw them like a tissue paper, because I feel my accountability towards Allah. These verses echo my brain: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze, and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts), this is purer for them."Quran 24:30. Then... I feel like crying.
The office comes to an end.
In the cab, on my side, is a girl. Whenever the lights from the road fall in the cab, it exposes her bulge. I look at her breast but my good half pokes me "Allah knows the fraud of the eyes" Quran 40:19 And ... I unhook my glance.
Once again, I feel like crying.
The cab reached at my place. I got off, and was eager to reach the room and masturbate. I locked the door, put off the shoes and pants and tried to access a porn site. The GPRS however, didn't work. The penis was aching and the veins were sticking out. I tried few strokes, but then felt like I would ejaculate blood. Fearing, I stopped abruptly.
Holding the penis under the sheets, counting the heartbeats through it and weeping, I fell asleep.
In the morning, Azaan (the call for prayer) woke me up. I went to masjid and offered my namaaz. Came back and opened the Quran. Came across these verses that I had highlighted during the first read:
Verily, the pious will be in place of Security (paradise). Among gardens and springs. Dressed in fine silk, facing each other, And we shall marry them to Hûr with wide, lovely eyes. Quran 44:51,52,53,54
Verily, for the pious there will be a success (paradise); Gardens and vineyards, and young full-breasted maidens of equal age Quran 78:31,32,33
Next day too, I got up at the last minute, and ran to office without masturbating. But this time I knew, the real world lies, beyond what meets the eyes.