For the First time

5:45 am.
promise me, you won't do anything stupid.
okay mom, i get it.
no smoking,
no drinking.
i have to get going. NOW.

8:00 am.
look what we got for us!, she says.
as we climb onto the bus
Matches and a pack of cigs.
nothing to hesitate about,
we're no longer kids!

11:00 am.
puff
i taste the filter- with care.
puff
heavy lumps on my throat as i fight to find some air.
puff
my tiny lungs bloat, still fighting for air.
puff
i resist.
imagining how much mom would be pissed.

4:00 pm.
i'm almost on my fourth.
puff.
i let go.
puff.
let it get to me, slowly.
puff.
let it do its magic.
puff.
and let it kill me inside, slowly.

my first ever smoke.