When it was night, full of stars, washed clear by the rain, it was then I realized that night sky was not dark. It is never dark. It is in fact lighted by billions of stars, planets and galaxies shining far off somewhere in the universe. And this night, this beautiful blanket above me was the testimony to those million burning souls.
I often question why we are born? What is the purpose of life? But in that very moment when I was lying on my back facing the stars from the roof of 20 storey tall building, it was then it occurred to me that the whole purpose of life is to shine, to twinkle till the time life has.
But my time to twinkle was over. I was at the very last stage of twinkling and I was about to burst apart and break into pieces. I stood up, moved to the edge of the balcony and held the railing. 20 storeys! You could faint looking down from that height and fall on your own. There is no need to take a conscious decision. I laughed.
I looked up at the stars and then down again. On the top of me was freedom. Freedom with twinkling beautiful lights. And below me was a concrete jungle of the ugly world full of judgments, delusions and betrayals. I wondered about dreams. Dreams come from above me from those starry lights and they fall below me to get broken in the 'realistic' world. I laughed. Anything would break if it fell from that height. Will I break too? That i wanted to know.
I held the railing tightly and stretched one leg on top of it as if getting my stance ready. 1,2 and 3...wait! What if mid-way in the air, my mind changes and I realize I am wrong doing this? What is I get the realization of the kind E equals c squared times m and I couldn't share it with the world? What a great loss would it be! Worse, what if I get a loo? Damn! I wanted to go to loo. I climbed downstairs to find the nearest loo. I thought about the sudden '...wait!' that saved my life and gave me the opportunity to pee. I laughed.
While I was peeing, I thought about stars, peeing, concrete jungle, peeing, physics, maths, even more peeing. When i was done I stretched my arms and felt relieved. When I came out of the loo, I didn't want to die anymore. I don't know what suddenly happened to me but I wanted to think more about the things that I could laugh on. For a moment I thought the feeling is short lived and went to climb the stairs back to the top but the steps got heavier and heavier. I started feeling stuffed and choked with the thought of dying. Why should I...commit suicide? As the countdown of stairs was about to end, I began to sweat. It was a forced decision I realized. No one wants to die. No one wants to end his life and miss all the little sarcastic laughter. As i moved further and closed in near the edge, my anger grew. This world has made me think of myself as a waste. This is the very world, the concrete jungle full of judgmental eyes that has made me feel so low of myself. This very effing world. I looked down and looked up again. I didn't know what to do. I closed my eyes for moments and I heard a faint sound in the silence of the night. I humbly accepted it as a good omen, took many deep breaths and went back to my room. I slept and forgot about the night.
Next morning when I was going out of the building, the watchman said, "Last night I came to the roof to lock the door. I saw you there and thought may be you are enjoying the wind and I returned."
The whole night flashed in my mind in a split second. I walked towards the watchman and hugged him tightly. "You saved my life." I didn't want myself to let go off his hug. I had never felt so emotional with a stranger.
The watchman patted on my back and said, "Don't worry sir. I have locked the roof now."
I laughed a little, looked away and left.
