I found myself at station. It’s so strange to me that the trains that used to excite me some day’s back, today I find them depressing. Maybe the one involving it was the reason. Rushing was my common trait to which I was proud of at times but now I am close to panicking. My eyes were going and left and right and then back again. Catching a glimpse of someone was what they wished for. Oh there she was – the girl of my life. Vishi, looking elegant in that purple dress. She was leaving for her college today. And as she said actual life began from now on. But I was too depressed for her departure that these life concepts were never understood to me. But today it was the other way round. I tried not to wave her goodbye wet eyed. But her eyelids were forcing me not to. Every time I used to saw them, they used to glimmer in joy but today there was a different story untold. She actually didn’t want to let me go. I don’t know should I be happy or be sad by the same fact. I waved her hi and went towards her.. After the customary greetings to her uncles, I took her away from the crowd, hugged her and gave her the small gift I bought for her some hours back, just wanted to make her smile before bidding her bye. Her face lightened up for a second but after that the same. I hate to see her like that. The time for departure came close. I didn’t want to let her go. But this life makes us do things we don’t even wish for. There was nothing I can do about that and that made my heart sour. Helplessness is one feeling you shouldn’t have in your life.
It was time for the bye-bye scene. I walked with her up to her compartment wished her luck and good journey and waved down the train. Train started accelerating with slow pace. And the heartbeats could be heard from kilometers far. I could sense that. I tried to catch her glance but she was gone. It was a heavy day for me.
I left the station and walked towards my vehicle. The way back home was never so uneasy before. Surrounded in the thoughts of her, I rode my bike and went towards an empty road. There were thoughts thoughts and only thoughts running there apart from my bike. It was like a kind of flashback going in my mind. Biographies – that what people call that maybe. My mind wandered off to the day I met her first.
She was my co-mate in class 10th; new girl in our section who was one of the meritorious students from other section got shifted to ours. I was the topper myself then. We met through class discussions, but the friendship grew fonder in our science exhibition project. We were in the same group representing our school. We never won but the relationship sailed on a smooth surface. I felt good with whatever things were shaping.
Days passed by, from friends we came the best of the buddies, whole school talked of our duo and most of them thought we were couple. Did we really are, I didn’t know. I never thought about falling in love with her. Plus, she had a boyfriend. She never talked about it from front but I knew. Rather I was happy being her bff. People may be thinking I was friendzoned, maybe I was but I dint care. She was special to me. Maybe I was too stubborn to accept that.
It took me 2 years to know what I felt for her was actually a kind of love. She now held a precious place in my heart for which “best friend” would not be the correct word. It was when I came back from Kanpur after whole one year. I had left the school and city after high school boards and moved to Kanpur for engineering entrance coaching. And when I came back to my place here, it was a new spring for me.
And one day a strange thing happened in between. It was one of the happy evenings with her. We were in a park, not just the two of us. Ananya too was there. Actually they called me to join in. We were having our time. I was just walking along the grass and she demanded a hug. I didn’t had had any second thoughts about that. It’s not a big deal to hug your best friend right. I hugged her. But the moment her body got embraced with mine. I felt something that never happened before. I felt complete. And then she let go of me. I saw something in her eyes. She wasn’t looking upwards to me after then. I thought she felt guilty of that. Maybe she did see what I was feeling in my heart.
That hug was a casual one. But it erupt some feelings in mine. We never talked about it afterwards. But then I always found myself pining to feel her touch again; sometimes holding hands, sometimes just a side hug or whatsoever. I felt good with her.
I wanted to be with her forever. With she came a new horizon in my life. I could truly feel the new me in myself. I remember the day when she came to my home for the first time. I had invited her for my Di’s birthday. She had the perfect taste of everything. Within a matter of seconds, she became the favorite of all. I knew my bestie can win anyone’s heart. Mom and she shared a bonding that day; I felt it in their eyes. It was then inscribed in one of my favorite memories. I drove her to home.
Her relationship was not going on good lines with her boyfriend. He was all too bully or not caring most of the times. Distances between them were rising and we were getting far much closer. She always said not to fall in love with her. Trust me; I was trying hard for that. But one look at her and I was gone all over again.
They had a breakup. I remembered the time when I was the one getting them patched up. I wasn’t going to do the same again. It was hard time for her. Maybe not. I wanted to feel her loved and come to me. It’s not that I wanted to be the third person in the triangle. I wanted him to be the odd one out; as he was. We were so perfect with each other. Had it not be him and life would have been so beautiful.
She overcomes the breakup. But there was something untold to me happening. I and she always had a great time. After evening coaching, we went for drives. I took her to retro sometimes, not as a date. She wasn’t my date till then too. We shared a bond. I loved her. And we were together. But couple was not the ample word she used. I wanted to be her other half. There was a long time ahead she used to say. I waited.
And the day came. She was at my place. There was nobody home that day just the two of us. We were sitting at my bed there was a movie playing by. I looked deep into her eyes for a moment, "Come here," she finally said, and pulled me into her arms. We fell back onto large bed, draped with "I..." she began, faltering.”I love y-" "shhh," i silenced her, laying a single finger on her closed lips. I moved my finger from her lips to chin, guiding it gently forward. Her eyes widened, then fell shut as her soft lips touched mine, lingering there for a couple of seconds before pulling away. She touched her lips, then giggled again and captured her lips in mine. Kissing deeply without restraint, Her taste was exquisite and I knew I would never forget this moment. The way her hair ran like silk through my fingers, and he way her breasts brushed against my chest. And the way I could feel her heart beat as though it were mine and the delicate shiver as she gave herself up to me. She was then my passion personified, and now she is only my heart lost...for once not caring what others would think, only what I knew was right : Love.
After that, things changed. We were not only the best of friends. We were in love and we both knew that. I had kissed her. And it’s true to the words people said. Physical intimation brings people closer than ever. We were not sure of our feelings, until her touch. I was in love and it was just so magical to be true. But with that things became even more complex. She had a boyfriend she didn’t love and was living with and a best friend whom she loved and can’t live without. She ensured she will make things better and clear with time.
And with time I stopped caring about the third guy, I was in love and only one who should matter to me must be her. I was now her special someone and I felt too good about it. I felt like top of the world as she was by my side. The fate turned good and I loved everything. Love makes everything lovely, isn’t it? I felt the same.
As love grows, differences also occur. But sometimes…
It was one of the mornings of winter. We had a rage fight yesterday on some topic. We rarely fought at times but once we did, it was an uncommon version of cold war; which would be followed by ignoring periods, sentimental texts sharing and a lot more? But the day with itself, brought bad signs ant not to forget, the freaky fate.
She wanted to break it up with me. It was not one of the regular fights, we got into at times. The thing was serious and that scared the hell out of me. I never thought of losing her in my life and the way she was reacting, it was just so intolerable. I told her I love her she said she knows and she does too. Actually I truly knew the reason. And somewhere down the line I was responsible for it.
Someday back I told her in clear words. I can’t be the third guy in her life. Let be just the two of us or neither. I had my reasons. I couldn’t see her being talked about as someone’s girlfriend. Jealousy was playing its part and I had no choice other than to restrain my anger on her. I was wrong at my side and I knew that too.
She said me then to leave her alone. I did the same. Had I never done that and I wouldn’t land up here without her. I was wrong. I needed her back. I tried hard being in contact with her but all in vain. She had sweared me on her name not to be in front until she allowed. I didn’t know what to do.
One day then, I got her mail in my account. It was as shocking as she never mailed me once before. I was astonished reading that all. It read like:
“Hey!
How’s my love??
Perhaps this email isn't the best way to go about this, but I really don't know if I can face you after what I've done. Maybe that makes me a coward. I don't know. I know that I don't deserve anything from you, but I can only hope that you'll read these words, knowing that I mean every one of them.
Love is a funny thing. I expect it to be easy. I expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. But that’s the thing. Love isn’t a plan. It doesn’t have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it. Love happens; it is so incredibly messy.
I was in a relationship before and I loved him. Or perhaps I believed I love him. It was the perfect love but we were not here to search for the best right. That’s what I thought of it back then. I accepted it all. He loved me and now too he says the same apart from her careless behavior and rudeness. He stills loves me. It’s me not him. He is the same as before. It’s me who got changed.
Is there any fault of him or you? NO. It’s me. I had accepted my fate and ignorance in my life. I accepted it all. But one day you happened to me. We had nothing in common but there was a certain vibe between us who brought me closer to you.
Then you became my best friend. Oh! I hate this word now “Best Friends”. Do they really exist? He always had other things to do in life, I always felt like his tag only. It’s you who made me feel special. It’s you who made me feel lived, feel loved. I always wanted you to fell for me. I could truly sense it in your eyes when you were with me that you wanted me. I wanted the same from some points. But there were some limits I couldn’t cross. But you did everything that I wished for in, my life. And one day, thinking it all in, I felt love for you. It was the first time.
Then the day you kissed me, holded me in ua arms. I felt complete. You were so protective. I could sense in your eyes. They said they will never let me be harmed by anyone. I am safe. I never felt that feeling before.
Fights between me and him were at face. I truly wanted a breakup and wanted him to dump me. But he never did that. Whatever he did to me, he always says he loves me and wants to marry me. I couldn’t marry him because without you, living with someone else. I will prefer dying over that. But I respect his love. We were in relationship for 4 years and with my regular irregular behavior and mood shifts- he never complained once. He hasn’t done anything. I did.
And now I can’t do anything. I feel like playing with three lives. I don’t know what to do. There’s one thing I can’t bear: that’s to see you unhappy because of my actions. This love thing is so inconvenient and painful and devastating at most of times, but what could be done, I couldn’t live without it. I couldn’t live without YOU.
But I want to make amends. I truly do. You’re too important of a person to lose and I hate myself for realizing that now rather than earlier. I understand the gravity of the situation, and I hope that you can find it in your heart.
I promise you no future of our life, but I promise I would love you always the same. I couldn’t give you name and tag of soul mate. But I would give myself to you. I will love you more than ever.
Your love.
Vishi”
That email is still saved in my favourites, and as you read before I was there at station for dropping her. You could clearly sense I went back to her. I had no choice. I loved her and wanted my life sail through every tide with her. It was getting late. I checked my phone. There were 7 miss calls, two from home and five from Vishi. I called her back and it was not reachable. I turned my bike towards home. I wish I could be with her again.
