I wrote this long time ago, say 8 months back, you can see the immaturity in every sentence of it. And one more thing, I am sure if anyone reads this(I am not sure anyone will ever), he/she would undoubtedly exhibit a sarcastic smile thinking "Oh! Poor 18 year old thinks he is in love, by the way does he even know what love is." But that's fine, even I give that smile every time I read this.
This is going to be long so bear with me on this one. I will try to write down as much of innermost stuff here as I can so that I could feel a little lighter than now, trying to open up and empty this really heavy bag of responsibilities on my shoulder. This blog is going to be really important to me as it would contain many of my evil deeds and all my sins but first its time to empty the biggest baggage of all, my one sided love story. I always thought I would be able to avoid it but how can a logical and rational guy like me got trapped into the cobwebs of love is quite unknown to the convict himself(yes, you got it right I am the convict).
Here it goes.
One more thing before I start blurting out, its not a movie story or a fairy tale; so don't expect a happy ending. The first time I saw her at the chemistry tuition at Sanghai Sir, I thought not much, just another cute girl. But things turned out to be a little complicated with this girl. I used to keep staring at her from behind (I say it proudly I have been a a lifelong backbencher). This became a habit but I wasn't much of a success in my attempts to see her as she mostly used to look affront(I believe she was a stud). But still looking at those really long beautiful hair was a delight in itself. The time past by and the whole year came to an end, it past by so quick its hard to express( I remember what Einstein said on relativity. When you spend an hour with a beautiful girl it seems like a minute when when you keep your hands in hot water for a minute; it seems like an hour. It was something like this not exactly but the abstract is same.). My time past by this way trying to steal a glimpse of her here and there. It became really boring to attend the classes when she was absent. I am not much of a public person and don't like to answer stuff in the class (trying to make the teacher happy, and get all those unnecessary praises you don't deserve), but i used to answer only at that tuition just to get her attention(I know that's cheap but couldn't control myself from showing off). At school also I saw her during the half yearly exams and was bowled out by her beauty just like every other time. No matter how much and how long I used to stare at her I still felt the dissatisfaction and wanted to continue staring for time immemorial but I couldn't(for the same last reason that its cheap and she would get offended if sees a idiot like me looking at her). The time kept flowing past me like wind blowing past those little specks of sand on the beach. I kept feeling the same smallness inside of me. I started falling for this girl for no reasons that I can think of, I had never felt this way before. It was really weird. Every time I saw her I wanted the time to stop so that I could savor the moment to its best. Every time i saw her the rest of the world became blurred and dizzy to observe. The most amazing thing happened at the back of the school (after school we used to catch up the bus there). I got the best opportunities to see her there only. Whenever our bus used to come together I used to eagerly wait for her to exit the bus so that I could see her. It was still amazing and beautiful to see her no matter how many times I had seen her(I know I have said this earlier to and you can expect to hear similar thing again and again). Then we got into class12th and again time passed real fast until half yearly exams came which like all other exams went bad(I am not much of good student in contrast to her). I still remember that day as if it happened yesterday, when I saw her at her best(that's a personal opinion). It was after the exam, I was sitting in my bus a little sad with the under performance in the exams(that was a usual thing to happen but still I was sad), while staring outside trying to forget the three hour torment and praying god to pass me in the exams, I saw her with a couple of her friends(I don't like her friends that have obstructed me from looking at her so many times). She was laughing and talking and looked so marvelous(that was better than awesome) I felt what I had never before, it was immeasurable joy beyond measures. I felt the real meaning of Keats' poem "a thing of beauty is joy forever", he was more than just right. I wanted to capture that image but unfortunately didn't bring my camera or cellphone. But that scene left a permanent impression on me . She was standing, my love(I don't have rights to say that but this is my blog and I can write whatever I want to) under the vast blue sky while the sun was trying to have a glance of her, the best glance and I started hating even the sun god for it. Yes this was the first time I felt jealous for a girl and that too one who doesn't give a damn about me. I have no idea how many hours I had spent trying to reproduce that same beautiful image in my mind , hundreds of hours spent but still couldn't create the same image again, looks like her presence cannot be simulated by my weak grey cells. As time past I continued with my bullshit stuff. I did a stupid thing once, I boarded her bus with a plan to follow her when she departs but couldn't gather the courage and departed myself at a friend's stop(I had to walk at least half an hour from there to reach my home, that some real pain in my legs). I still feel the sense of failure in me. The best I could get to her was during the final preboard exams, it was after one of the exams I was continuously looking at her for the longest period I had done before(I am not sure if she noticed me). She was walking randomly with her friend at that time. I decided to tell her my feelings after the next exam and planned everything for it but when the time came she passed just in front of my eyes and I just kept looking at her and couldn't take a step forward, not a single step. I believe I am the biggest loser and idiot in this world. the last time there was the PhE exam but that day I didn't had much time because she directly entered her bus so that was another uneventful day of my fucked up life. Lastly came the farewell of our batch and I was still the same loser so there is not much to say. Although I could see her sitting from some distance again the loser in me dominated. I could not even get a proper photo of her, had to make myself happy with only a group photo(used my handset to edit and crop her photo out of it but the quality was destroyed, really) . Altogether my love life ended this way with not much action but only me turning a little more desperate than before. But I really loved her and that I can say without the slightest of doubt. I believe whatever happened, happened for the good because anyways she deserves better than a guy like me who has nothing , no looks, no brains, nothing.
There are many reasons I didn't tell her my feelings :
She would have refused without giving a second thought to it
I would have been really sad with that refusal
She deserves far better than me
I am afraid of girls
I am not good looking
I am not intelligent
I am a fucking nothing (Although that is going to change)
P.S. I am a good looking guy(seriously :P)
P.S. I deleted all related photos of her just to get over with it, I do regret it sometimes but I think I will survive. Once again :P
P.S. The geniuses always call themselves fools(okay that was a little too much).