I'm not the one who usually hits the snooze button in the morning. I'm the one who wakes up a minute before the alarm rings. But it isn't like that today! The alarm has been ringing for 20 minutes now! I can still here it ring, but at a distance! Mom comes and checks to see if everything is alright and she asks me what's wrong! "I'm okay", I whisper. I don't want to wake up today, I don't want to go through it again today! But I must. I don't want mom to get a hint that something is amiss!
I pick my cellphone and put off the alarm. There are three new text messages, all from him. Not again! I can't bear it again. But I still I read them, they are his messages after all. One says, "I love you. But I don't trust you." And there another sword pierces my heart. It's been three years now and still he tells me he doesn't trust me? No, I'm not crying. There are no tears left now. I've been crying for a long time now! And then there is another one," You have given me such an impression. I don't what you have been doing with him. He must have proposed you and you must have accepted it". I can't take it anymore. I through my cellphone away. He has a problem with my best friend. Just because I spent more time with my best friend in college as we were in for a project he tells this. I don't what to do. I'm shattered.
We've gone through this before. He doubts me for every little thing and has a problem if I do something without telling him. It hurts me. But still I've put up with him for this long. But what hurts me the most is that after all this time he still fails to understand me. He still fails to realize that I love him and only him. I don't what to do. I sometimes think of giving it up. But then why did I hold on to this long? Wasn't it because I really loved him? Yes. But it's not easy for me anymore. I've cut myself off from the outer world. I don't have any friends just because he is possessive about me.
I've given up everything for him. But now my heart asks me "Is that what you want?" I'm confused. I've given up all my dreams for him, but is it justified? Have I lost my identity as an individual? What should I do? Should I let go and begin anew? Or should I still hold on with the hope that someday he will understand and begin to trust me? Any answers? Or does that lead to more questions?
Oh! how it hurts me!
