It’s good to get emotional at times. This releases a lot of negative emotions making you feel much better. It’s been a long time since last time I got emotional. It’s not that I am holding my emotions, it’s just that I never felt the way I did yesterday; lonely.
Living a life of a gay man in India is difficult, very difficult. Firstly, you can’t be completely yourself. There is always a part of society who’s ready to attach your this side and make you feel bad. Since, everyone can’t be strong, you tend to be mendacious. To some extent, this is perfectly fine as not everyone should know about your personal life.
On the contrary, those who are strong and do share some part of this life to their close friends, they get a different treatment than expected. I did shared my ‘the other side’ of me to close people and trust me, landed myself on trouble. One can blame my sense of judgement, but certainly partial fault was of them as well. Getting neglected is bad but getting bitched about is worst. You tend to go with the flow and hence your personal life becomes a gossip-topic for others over tea. I have overcome that situation as well, and it wasn’t easy at all.
Among those close friends, some may leave your personal life untouched whereas others might remind you that you can be ‘normal’ and should give up this lifestyle. The latter ones can be irritating as they may act to accept you but their actions speaks out their mind. I have both kinds of friends, and more comfortable with the former ones as they involve in the conversation which makes you feel comfortable and normal.
However, this is not the emotional blockage that I faced recently. That’s something related to the same old questions that pops up in my mind from time-to-time. ‘Will I get a partner? Will I ever fall in LOVE? When will I live a life a couple?’ These questions worth million dollar since I never had a relationship. For a 27-years old guy with no relationship history, these questions can be troublesome.
As per my observation, homosexual world is governed by looks than characters. This is my main concern as I am not getting any younger as days pass. With time, I am getting old and with that my looks will certainly deteriorate. When you see people around you paying attention to your looks, the possibility of getting partner or lover starts to reduce with age. Since, I am not going to negotiate with my sexuality, there is no chance that I will marry a girl just for the sake of it or feeling afraid of lonely life.
Yesterday, when I reached home tired, I realised how can be tough without a partner. Marriage comes later in life, it’s the sense of having someone which starts to rule your heart. Being human or a social animal, a person needs the emotional security. When that emotional security is missing, the life tends to take a different turn.
My daily routine give me more than needed time alone, which isn’t good when people around you are getting married, your friends are living a happy married life, and you are still having a dinner alone either at home or at restaurant. It requires a tough mind and strong emotions to back these situations. Nonetheless, no matter how strong a person can be, there are times when your emotions take your heart through a lonely ride of your lonely life.
Post my past life regression, I have never faced any such emotional blockage as I was convinced that my partner is there in the world and is located at UK. However, yesterday suddenly that convinced thought was shaken by mere thought of growing old. True, 27 is not a big number and my great life lies ahead of me with a lot of hope and surprise, but emotions don’t consider all these facts. They just barge in.
I had crushes in past, but unfortunately my character was ruled out by my looks. Initially, I used to feel bad about it but gradually, I am got used to it. This had a deep impact on me as well. As I started to get used to rejections due to looks, my approach towards guys reduced as I have a feeling somewhere back in my mind that I will register another rejection than acceptance.
There are a lot of things that I also hear about me, which certainly don’t act in my favour. Many from my community assume me to be a person with attitude. Furthermore, I can blame myself that I don’t interact with people a lot since I find hard it to mingle in their same-community or same-religion group. I don’t have any complaint regarding that as I understand the comfort level when you’re with a person who speaks the same language or belongs to the same community.
Hence, this attitude keeps me away from them, and some way or other, I am okay with this. With all due respect, I don’t want to be a part of a group who judge people on the basis of their cast, language spoken, or even bank balance. Since I am not a part of such thought process, I find it hard to accept it.
Coming back to my ‘loneliness’, I keep my emotions towards my crushes within myself these days which definitely keeps them away from knowing what goes inside my heart. Frankly, I am tired of refusals but don’t want to spend my life alone as well. I need a person who would accept me for the way I am and would not judge me on the basis of my looks. With all due respect to others, I am not the ugliest person on Earth. I certainly have some great features that makes me good looking. However, it’s a shame that people fail to look them and they want an overall package, which I certainly don’t have.
I personally believe that a person spends life with the person and not with their looks. Looks surely will fade away with time, but character will certainly stay will end. I am looking for a person who will pay more attention to my character than my looks. Hope, my days of loneliness will end soon.