Ever closed your eyes and felt you don’t exist? I’m not talking about the ‘Drifting in the Air’ feeling here; but the one that your existence doesn't make any sense.
Getting up every day, walking, talking and working? Why is all this required? For a better lifestyle? And what would that give you? Happiness?
Now what exactly is happiness? That sudden surge of warmth in your bosom you get addicted to? In the end everything leads to one word. DEATH. And yet here we are, single celled to multi-celled, all working our skins off for something that’s just an illusion.
It’s not that I’m not being religious. I never was and I've always questioned the way things work without a reason. But sometimes I do get that nagging feel that I’m just a doll, a Coppelia being dragged along predawn lines, rules and regulations without understanding. And why? Just because there’s this unexplained energy dwelling in me that makes no sense at all as in how it works, where it comes from and why exactly does it exist. All we know is that thing is called ‘Life’.
A four lettered word, a bundle of charge that makes me think and pen down what crosses my so called mind. We call ourselves free and yet here we are, chained by default.
Chained to what? The same again. Lines that have already been drawn. Those feelings inside you for your family installed in you even before your birth. The invisible bond that keeps pulling on you, doesn't allow you to wander away in the name of protection. What was it called again? Love? Hmm. All we do is keep names for things and feels without actually trying to understand what exactly they are.
There are times when our mind and our body crave for certain things. Your libido wants you to indulge in certain acts. But you don’t. Why? For people will talk. You don’t want them to talk about you. Do you? You want to scribble, see blots of paint on a wall? But no you should not. It will spoil the beauty of that wall. Oh come on! It could turn out into a beautiful masterpiece. It can add to its beauty and not take it away. You never know what the outcome could be. You just never know. And still you back away in the fear that it would be the worst.
I’m not saying that it necessarily won’t have a negative outcome. It can. Definitely there are chances, but why do we fear it so much? Why is the society made to point out the faults and not the good within? Why do we judge people and push them back to where they started from? Why can’t we all join our hands and want to come out of these negative binds, together? Why can’t we just accept people with their faults? Why not? Have the answer? I've. We have been created only to entertain that power, the energy that drives us all.
We are nothing but just dolls. No right to question because we are just meant to live the life given to us with the mentality pushed into us. And anyways, it would be funny trying to question something you can’t see or don’t understand.
You do sometimes get to break these chains, partially if not completely. There are people strong enough to do that. But then there are people like me. Sentimental cowards!!! Can’t step out as it bothers us that our actions will be used to judge our whole family and circle. We carry a cauldron of hopes and expectations from family, friends, family friends and crap knows what kind of relatives all meant to make us feel squishy
And if that was not enough, we jump into another one of those relations. A boyfriend or a girlfriend. The ultimate barrier which we gladly erect in front of us.
“Let the sun get blocked. I’m happy in the dark.”
And I've sometimes related this to the famous fairy tale, Rapunzel. The one you fall in love with is Rapunzel. You see her for the first time, at the window on the very top of a castle which has no other way to enter than the one which can only be accessed with her help. So here you are, calling out her name day after day. And then dramatically one day she notices you, throws down her golden locks and helps you climb up into her chamber. You talk, occasionally make out to some extent, climb down and go back home. This repeats for a period of certain days. And then suddenly one day she refuses to let down her hair anymore. She might give you a reason; probably the enchantress (Parents) came to know. Or she might just not give any reason at all. So you sit there, day after day, eventually getting irritated and then you leave. What’s the point of all this? And yet we get involved.
Anyways! What I was talking about was the expectations you carry on your shoulders. They do get heavy sometimes. And when you fail, that is when your knees buckle because you just can’t handle anymore, those expectations just crash on top of you. Perhaps you’ll know how that feels. No? Well, imagine yourself standing below a 15 storey building. And then the building just crashes. Right on top you. (Nah! Don’t bother, it was newly constructed. No one was up there.) The irony is that you don’t die. Imagine that pain in your limbs and in every inch of your mortal body. But you don’t die. I’m sure you would rather want to just die than be there under all that debris, because you know that even if you make out of the rubble alive, you are handicapped for life. You will limp by and people would only laugh at you. Why? What was your fault? Of course it’s because of you why the building collapsed! Still don’t get it? You are the one who built it!
You never designed a 15 storey building before. You have always stuck to the duplex houses. Certainly you have your limits. But just because your family and friends had these great expectations from you, you force yourself into it, fail and are laughed at. Sometimes your very own expectations add up in that cauldron rested on your shoulders. That person can do it, why can’t I? Sometimes you fail to understand your own limit. Your own expectations maybe up to 5% of the total load of expectations. But when you fall, it’s no more just 5% but it increments to 95%. The society puts the blame on you. And you readily accept the blame.
And that leads to what you call ‘depression’. I've gone through it. And trust me when I say you don’t want to come out of it once you go in. Know why? It’s because people pity you. And they expect less of you.
“Why construct another such building which will eventually fail?”
That’s what goes through your mind. You want to stay there and not even design a duplex anymore. It simply puts you off the track.
I don’t want to end it like this. We are meant to be positive to have a go in the society. So I’ll comply. I’ll just say failure still bothers me. But I've learnt to handle it to some extent. Better than last time. Because now I know all this means nothing and will end into nothing. Happiness does feel good. So let’s just enjoy it.