I don’t know why. I do know when and how. I don’t know what led to it. I don’t know for how long. But I do know that forever is a long time. So is never.
November 25th 2013. 11:12 pm. Weather’s mildly warm. I should explain at this point that I am a mute spectator here. I didn't feel the dull throb your eyelids feel when you are desperately sleepy. I did not feel the clawing in the pit of my tummy, a mild reminder that my dinner was fighting its way up. I did not have the dread of having a test the next day. I did not feel the slightly damp breeze that hinted of rain. I. Did. Not. Feel. Anything.
Maybe that’s where I should have said something.
Stop. No. Wait. Think. Tomorrow will be better. Any one of these words could have changed the way my life is now. But the cynic in me chides me on my never ending optimism. How can a person who did not witness an event, stop it? Maybe in a movie but not in reality.
Reality. I have an aversion to it. It reminds of me things I have lost, maybe for ever. It gives me promises of tomorrow, which I dread to accept fearing disappointment again. Oh yes, disappointment and I have been crossing paths for quite some time now.
Now that all is said and done, let me get to what really bothers me. The pain bothers me. The fear bothers me. The insecurity bothers me. The loneliness bothers me. The misunderstanding bothers me. The darkness that binds all of this together bothers me.
And like any person in the dark, I’m searching. And there are moments in which I see the light. A familiar looking shoulder in the crowd, a plated gold Titan watch gripping the hand rails on the bus, a cropped haircut, a laid back gait.
And finally, the mirror reminds me that I am him.