Sometimes, the weight of devastation can lead us to lose control over our actions. I experienced this firsthand when I fell into a state of depression at the tender age of 18, following the loss of my father. Nights were particularly difficult, as overthinking kept me awake, prompting my doctor to prescribe sleeping pills to calm my restless mind.
During this challenging time, a remarkable person entered my life. He was different from others - instead of merely listening to my problems, he shared his own secrets. He didn't view me as a helpless victim (BECHARA). He stayed on call throughout my sleepless nights, giving his all to bring a smile to my face. Gradually, my life transformed; I shifted from crying all night to sleeping with a smile. He understood my feelings and anxieties, not only empathizing but helping me overcome them.
Eventually, we got married. However, over the course of our five-year relationship, he changed. He began concealing things, weaving lies, and engaging in behaviors that I despised. Our relationship reached a breaking point.
Then, unexpectedly, he approached me, claiming to have transformed and expressing a desire to marry me. Despite my reservations, I agreed.
Now, as I write this with tears in my eyes, I find myself in a panic, overwhelmed with anxiety, desperately trying to ward off negative thoughts.
The person who once rescued me from depression and anxiety attacks is now the source of my panic and anxiety. I'm torn between the love and hate in our relationship, grappling with the realization that the person who understood my struggles is now judging me for the anxiety, trust issues, and panic attacks he has caused.
In this moment, I feel an overwhelming urge to run away, to escape from him, the love-hate dynamic, and everything that threatens to consume me. Remaining here feels like a risk, one that may lead to losing myself.