On first glance, you would notice nothing amiss about her profile. 5’5, fair, and slim, she is like an average 22 year old, stressed about the humdrum like clothes, zits, career and chores. You would need the observation of a super sleuth to recognize that all that is a façade and that she is one hell of an actress. Underneath all that classy persona, that white coat, cultivated accent, calm conduct at work, is still a scared girl who was once carrying a lovechild and gave it up, alone, unsupported and uncared for. And although a few know about it, no one can relate to the trauma she underwent.. She is a miracle, and you would want to fold her into a hug because even that young, she knew enough to keep it a secret, even from her own mom; knew enough to do what was required without her man showing up and came out stronger; she still loved the man who put her through the misery and forgave him but for what!?
When you see her demure enunciation, her gentle hand movement and her confident head never hanging low, you wouldn’t notice that she never lets you stand too close, never makes eye contact and the minute you say something nice about her appearance, she stiffens and cringes a bit and then has to be somewhere else other then here..while her vast knowledge of medicine comes to you as a refreshing delight, you wouldn’t know in a million years that she is mapping you for any sign of perversion in your conversation. There is a typical design to her movements; she keeps her hands to her profile, she doesn't let anyone touch her and when she smiles, it never touches her eyes.
Her character has some significant traits too; she is always ready to go out of her way to help you, makes it a personal agenda. She is a good listener and keeps everything bottled up. She never shows her true emotions, angry, sad, and scared; she just shuts down and stays quiet. She never believes she is good enough, she won’t let you praise her and when you do, she would come up with an awkward laugh or a retort to negate it. If you have met her for the first time, you would find her to be talkative but it would take a behavioral psychologist to tell that she is actually rambling..talking too fast, skimming through different topics out of anxiety and confusion. Her parents would tell you that a lot of time last year was spent in being sick, she was always reserved and down with fever and body pains but since a few weeks she got miraculously better and stronger. Her friends would tell you that if you want to tease her, just touch her with your index finger and she would be ready to bite it off or that when you meet her never attempt to hug her or hold her; she would push you away and not talk to you in the entire party .
She is a victim of guilt, an induced miscarriage, an abandoned tale of sorrow and she hasn't come out of closet. She couldn't do anything about it and the love of her life, her man, violated her again and again. She was too naive to tell that when he made those fake promises of love and a future, it wasn't because he loved her..or when he kissed her and told her she’s the one for him, it wasn’t just her; there were always other women on his mind, and when those voices, those memories ran through her head, echoed in her ears, she would retch at the thought.
When she did gain some emotional strength and came to understand enough, she accepted it without putting up a fight simply because she couldn't do anything to stop it..just the sight of him flirting around would make her numb and she would allow herself to be pulled into that dark mess of lies hoping that one day, sunlight would creep in through a crack. Or that when he talked about touching her , she closed her eyes and steeled herself to not think about the various other women he has touched, kissed, made love to and lied about....
She is 22 today but underneath that hard exterior,is the same innocent girl who was abandoned in a hard time and lied to about everything for what seemed an eternity..she balks when she is hugged because every intimate touch makes her skin crawl. She doesn't tell you when she is scared or sad because these two emotions have been with her for so long, they have become an appendage of her. She rambles when she talks because she wants to keep you occupied so that you don’t think of anything remotely deprave.
In real life, she is a living paradox. Her beauty is stained and her smiles are fake but above that she is a survivor and she hasn't broken down in weeks. But she is tired now..tired of running and hiding and deceiving and lying to everyone and to herself..she did it yesterday, she is doing it today and she will inevitably lie her way through her true emotions tomorrow..if you find her, hug her. Tell her it wasn't her fault and that she is still beautiful and that she would find a guy who would love her despite, not play with her feelings ever and keep her safe..that she should learn to sleep through the night without waking up every two hours, not because of nightmares but because she has never slept so deep since months, his deeds haunting her..making her question her own worth..that it was so long ago that she should stop contemplating suicide..
If you find her, tell her to let go of the guilt, to not wonder about the man she held on to for so long, giving him her world and wanting to be a part of his..that every time her breath caught in her chest and she gave him endless chances was not a waste of time, it was her mere faith in a truest form of love which he never respected enough. Tell her she wasn’t wrong, tell her that her baby’s soul rests in peace, tell her to let go of the man who violated her trust , over and over and over again.. tell her..
She may fight you off but then maybe, there is a chance she may cry her anguish out and be a regular 22 year old..not the girl with a tortured past..