It was not very soon after my first ever breakup, I had fallen for a beautiful man. We felt happy for a while. After three months, we went our own ways but we kept in touch on email. It had been a month since I received his last email. One day, I tried to call him but his number did not exist anymore. My heart sunk. I was worried about how he must've been. I had a soft corner for him since our first conversation at a nearby cafe.
I remember how i used to mock him about not having a job. I didn’t do that out of my personal frustration but because I was truly worried about him
"When would you get a job, George?"
"My parents are rich enough. I have enough property on my name" he'd explain
I could never understand how a twenty six year old man could be dependent on his parents? How could they allow him to not have a job and still fund all his expenses? His parents are really something, I thought. I missed him too much. I still remember each hug, each kiss and there never was a ‘Goodbye’ I tried reaching out to him through his friends, but no one would help me. I always kept wondering if it was something i had done that had upset this overly sensitive spoiled man.
I was always restless, wondering if George would ever come back. When we were together, I thought he loved me too. Since he had suddenly disappeared, I had started doubting that thought. My curiosity grew each day. My friend, Bree, thought I was turning into a psychopath. I had not felt like myself for at least about a year. I dated other men. I had a few serious relationships but feelings for George still existed. I had to do something about it.
I saw a few therapists. They would tell me that I am over thinking and I must keep myself busy all the time. It was only when my friend, Anaya who was a renowned psychologist, suggested I should write a diary. I was not really convinced it would’ve helped, but later it did. Every time, I’d miss him, I would write
Today I feel like….
And my feelings would flow in my diary. I kept writing for the next two years, hoping that one day I would see him somewhere and hug him and give him this diary, not knowing that he had left and he’s never going to show up.
Three years later I was married to Adam. He was exactly what I had always expected George to be. I always missed George. My soul craved for him even when my mind and heart was very satisfied with Adam being the father of my son, Zeus. I had always wanted to name my son Zeus.
When Zeus turned 14, we were moving from Westminster to Boulder. Zeus was an excellent boxer. Both, Adam and I had decided to move so that Zeus could train under the best trainers in Boulder. He would have training sessions twice a day unlike in Westminster where he would train thrice a week.
Adam had surprised me with a beautiful house in boulder close to Zeus’s training academy.
“Catherine, I think this belongs to you?” he said while he gave me the keys
“No its not mine” I had said, not knowing it was the key to our new house. We had just driven to boulder to talk with his new coach and complete his admission process in his new boxing school. I was over whelmed by Adam’s gesture.
Our house in Boulder had an extra room which we had decided to turn into a library. Next few weeks, the three of us were enthusiastically unpacking and setting up our new home. Both the boys, Adam and Zeus were setting up the shelves in the library room. We painted a wall together in the living room. I adjusted my paintings on the wall and our ground floor was done. My 14 year old said to me “Mom, thank you so much for moving here” I was felt nothing but blessed
The next morning, I saw Adam reading a book covered in newspaper. He was an editor in a publishing company. “ What book is this, Adam?” I asked. He would often tell me everything about the books he read which were to be forwarded for publishing.
“This is one book which I am soon going to publish”
“what is it about?” I asked
“George” he said. I was shocked. I had never really thrown away that diary in which I had written letters to George for almost two years.
“Oh My God, Where did you find it?” I asked him as I snatched the diary from his hand to see what pages he was reading.
“I was reading it all night. I didn’t know I was married to not just an excellent painter but also a writer” He said
“But this was when I was 19 years old” I said.
“Catherine, I know I should have told you about it. But, among all your past lovers, you had never mentioned this one. Are you in touch with him?” he was not sad but a little curious. I knew Adam very well. He was gentle and soft. He would never get angry if I had told him everything.
“I was in touch with him for just a year. He was just a ‘craze’. He never explained. He just left. One fine day, he was gone. I could never figure out what he felt for me. I was curious and it had driven me mad” I said
“It’s okay, sweetheart” he consoled me with a hug “it was way back in the past”
Adam was fanatically obsessed with my writing skills. He tried hard to convince me to publish the diary. I was sKeptical about it.
“I will edit it. And we can sit together and delete the things you think are too personal. I really want to publish it, whether it sells or not. I think this diary deserves a chance” Adam said.
“I don’t know about this, Adam. But I trust you. Do whatever you want with it. It hardly matters now.” I said
I was still skeptical. But, I trusted Adam more than I trusted myself. He was good at his work. He had contributed a lot to the progress of Imagine Publications. I never thought much about the diary. few weeks later, The book was accepted by Imagine Publications. Adam suggested I use a pseudo name. While we were sitting for dinner, we were trying hard to come up with a pseudo name
“How about, C. Turner. Catherine Turner” my 14 year old suggested
“That’s too obvious” Adam said. But I was glad to have my son’s contributions to our important conversations.
“I know exactly what I want it to be. I like CAT. I love cats and it stands for my initials. Catherine Adam Turner” I smiled. I thought it was perfect. And I was excited and pleased with such an unexpected event. I was not just a painter anymore; I was going to be an author of a book as well. The book was soon published as ‘The Letter Diary’. It was among the bestsellers of the nation. Imagine Publications received a lot of recognition for it. It was all so unexpected. Something that had made me sad for so long had turned me into a public figure.
Years later, One evening I got home and found Zeus with an older girl. I hadn’t walked in on them in real. I could see two heads very close to each other when I entered from the main door. When I walked ahead, I figured out that they were just watching some series on the laptop.
“Hey Mom, this is my friend Laura” My son who was 17 now was introducing me to his 19 year old female friend.
“Oh! Hi Laura” I greeted her with a soft smile. She could my awkward suspicion
That evening I went to my son’s room
“Zeus, are you dating this older girl?” I asked. Being direct.
“Mom, I really like her. We have known each other since a year now. I think we are kind of dating” he explained.
“Oh. Okay. But just keep in mind that older girls could play you” I was worried to see my little son growing up.
“Mom, I know Laura. She is sweet and she does Love me. I know it” he was genuinely into her.
Later that week, Zeus wanted to invite his parents over for dinner. Adam and I decided to fulfil his wish.
“Honey, why don’t we cook Chinese for Laura’s family?” Adam asked. I loved cooking with my sweetheart.
Friday evening, the food was ready. It smelled delicious. The doorbell rang while I was upstairs getting dressed.
“Mom, Laura is here” Zeus called out to me.
I climbed downstairs. I heard a man’s heavy voice saying “Cath, don’t touch that sweetheart” I felt like I had heard this voice before. I waited at the staircase and bent over to see whose voice that was. And for that one second, I felt like my heart had stopped beating. My mind had completely shut down and the deep sleeping desire woke up from the core of my soul. I recognized him. It was George. I knew it was him. His younger daughter was Cath. I knew it was short for Catherine. He had always called me Cath. I sat down on the stair case. There was a passageway ahead between the staircase and the dining area. I needed enough courage to face the rejection.
I leaned on my courage for what I had been wanting to face for years. I stood up and adjusted my dress. I was finally going to get my answers from my son’s girlfriend;s dad and my past lover. I walked into the kitchen and sipped a little vodka.
“How are you Mrs. Turner?” Laura’s mother greeted me.
“I am very well. You have a beautiful daughter” I replied. And then I greeted George. he could feel the nervousness dripping from my finger tips as I shook his hand. But to my surprise, he did not recognize me. I went back to the kitchen to serve dinner. I could see George and his wife, May, browsing the bookshelf in the library. Adam introduced them to a bookshelf which was dedicated to all the books by Imagine Publications.
I could hear them speak. After setting the table, I went ahead to the library.
“Oh. Mrs Turner, you see this one is one of my favourite books.” George Ray said as he was holding ‘The Letter Diary’-My very own book which was written for him. Of course the names of all the characters were changed.
Zeus informed “Mr Ray, That book is written by my mom. She has used a pseudo C.A.T. which stands for Catherine Adam Turner. Her initials.”
Everyone was silent for a minute or two. He looked me in the eye. He could see it. All of us walked out immediately. We sat around the dinner table.
“so you named your daughter Catherine. Coincidence, huh?” Adam asked George and May.
“George loved this name” May replied.
“Yeah. My wife loved the name Zeus” Adam replied
“I guess she might have decided his name since she was a teen” George laughed “women do that. They have everything decided, you know…”
It was an awkward moment. The fact that George had now recognized me, he concealed our past and I thought it was best for Adam to not know the man from ‘The Letter Diary’. I decided not to say a word.
“You know, My wife had this diary from when she was a teen and I edited it and converted it into an actual bestseller” Adam was showing off. He was proud of me. The dinner went well. It was such a miracle for me to see George. I could never have imagined that my son would lead me to him. Later that night, I told Adam everything. He explained to me how his suspect had turned into reality when George had passed some unexpected remarks.
“I know George was an important part of your life, Honey. And I think you should go ahead and find your answers. I love you and I know that George is just your past and nothing more” that was Adam’s reaction.
Adam’s words made me feel caged. I knew very well that I had loved Adam. Even if George had loved me, there would be no way for us to be together. Also, I still had no idea of how he had felt about me. I concluded that he just had a crush on me and nothing more. A few weeks passed by. I was slowly getting over that overwhelming event.
“Mom, what’s wrong with you? Are you upset about me seeing Laura?” Zeus had once asked “don’t worry. I won’t rush into getting married too soon” he assured with a smile.
“No I am not upset. You have grown up. We cannot control fifty per cent of the things in our life. But never let what you cannot control make you upset. Okay?” I expressed
“Mom, you are being dramatic now. Come on” He said.
Few months passed by. One day, I got out of the super market and found an envelope under the wiper of my car. The note inside read
'I felt exactly the way it is explained in ‘The Letter Diary’. The date when we had made love for the first time was 18th November not 20th November. 20th November was when we had made it official'
I saw my watch and the date was 18th November. I had received an answer.