Today my real mom would be turning 68.... she was my grandmother, but she was all that I had when I was still a child. I would live with my biological mother and father, my little brother (4 years younger than me) and my aunt, who is around 12 years younger than my mother. She was my mom's mother, but my "mom" wasnt much of a mom per say... Thats why I still had my granma to show me love and care when I thought I had noone else.
My mother would hit me becuase it would give her pleasure. Would hit and then ask why was she hitting me. She would make me bleed and then threaten me, she used to say, if you tell anything to your father, we will split up and it will be your fault. Me, being only a little kid, of course I didnt want my parents to split, so I kept it a secret for most of my childhood.
My granma died when she was only 53 years old... cancer took her away from me, and left me alone there in my own darkness.
I quite never understood that she was dying... She was always so bright and wonderful, she used to laugh with me and play old board games all afternoon. I was her spoiled little granchild and when my parents decided it was better for me to interact with other children, I wouldnt stay quiet at kindergarden, I would scream and cry till they took me back home, back to my granma's arms.
One day she was gone... I remember they said she was in the hospital, once again I saw no problem. She never showed weakness or sadness, nothing but joy and love, so I thought, ok, she will be back soon. Time passed and she wasn't coming back home. I asked to see her. To visit her, and my mother agreed. Or so she said... because it never happened. I didnt get to see her... my dad one day came to us, my little brother and I, I was 8... he said, my Nanni was gone. Gone forever.
My heart shattered into a million pieces, I couldn't believe it, no, it wasn't true, he was kidding, it wouldnt be true, I... I didn't get to see her, and I, I didn't even know my time with her had a countdown!! NO!! this wasn't happening.... I remermber crying myself to sleep that night. In her house, with her stuff.... in a room where I used to sneak out in the middle of the night to go sleep with her, when I wasnt feeling right, when I couldnt sleep, when I wanted to watch tv, whatever, it didn't matter, just becuase I wanted to have her by my side and she would like that too. But not this time, no, in this time of agony I had noone to go. My brother laying in bed sleeping and I couldnt help but think, how is he ok with this? I see it now, he was too young, he never developed that special love that I feel for fer, he actually spent more time with my other granmother, which I think is important to mention, never liked me, and he didn't see my granma as I did.
15 years now have passed, and I still cry when I remember these things, is good this isnt paper becuase it would be wet by now and I would have to start over.
Today I look back at you my granny and I smile, becuase I miss you, but I'm glad I ever had the chance to have you in my life. Because even tho I didnt get to say goodbye, you didn't have to either.
My mother asked me to go with them to church today to commemorate her, but I'm not a Christian or anything close, I said no, her and I have a special connection and I don't need to go there, she knows I have her in my heart, all the time.
This is to you my granma, because it doesn't matter what really lays beyond death, I know u believed in heaven, and I wanna believe you are happy with what you found. I love you, always will.


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